My snarkasm* is an inherited trait! I'm so proud!!

   My little man is sick. Not hospital sick, but if he were a grown man this would be the end of the world. However, since he's not a grown man, it's just a cold and it's being treated as such. Lots of orange juice, fruit, rest and a little medicine to help his stuffy nose.
    But....this morning I remembered we're out of: orange juice and medicine for him. I made a quick trip to the closest shopping plaza little man in tow to grab those essentials as quickly as possible.

    First stop? The drug store.
   Thankfully, they had exactly what I was looking for. I grabbed the medicine and we got in line. With the 4 people ahead of us. One cashier....jawing to the customer she's checking out, who had seriously, I shit you not, only 4 items! as the line kept getting longer. Another cashier opens up, the line moves a bit. The first cashier is still talking to the same customer...about her fucking boyfriend, and why he wasn't there to help her carry the bags! Are you for fuckin' real right now?!? Is not what I said, but I was totally screaming it in my head!
   A third cashier comes to the registers and opens up. Cashier A is still shooting the shit not realizing her ass is getting smoked by people who just came off the floor to assist with the line!
    As little man and I are walking over to the 3rd cashier's register, the customer finally is leaving the first cashier's register. I say, as we're walking behind her "Excuse us", this "woman" turns and steps ON my child! Before I can say anything, little man says "Hey, you don't step on me! Say you're sorry!", she looks at him and says "You should look where you're going and mind your mouth.". My little man stands right next to me, holds my hand and says "My mom used her manners first. She said "'xcuse me" and we walked by. YOU stepped on me and didn't say you're sorry! That's rude! Right mommy?"
   The woman rolls her eyes and rushes out the door. The cashier, checking us out, says to little man, "Are you okay, honey?" and he says "Yes, but that lady is just mean." I also made sure he was okay. The first cashier, not checking anyone out at the moment because the other 2 had gotten the line under control, looks at me and says "He's got a mouth on him, mom, huh?". Now, I'm pissed!
   "Actually, no he doesn't. He simply has better manners than most adults he sees and he's learning to call people out for their bad manners. Now, should he speak to an adult like that *I'm looking down at him as I say this*, no he should not. However, if an adult steps on a child, the adult owes the child an apology. She didn't even ask if my child was hurt!"
   The cashier checking us out? She gave little man a sticker. Then she told the first cashier, in front of customers, "Next time you see a line, you call for backup, you don't hope it'll appear. Also, you can't spend that much time talking to one customer when the line is growing. It makes people irritable."

   Moral of the story? My little man will call you on your bullshit if you give him reason too! And I couldn't be prouder of him for that!!
 

  Our second stop was at the grocery store. It was a quick trip, that resulted in 3 shopping bags of food, one bag with 2 half gallon cartons of orange juice in it.
   When we were leaving the store, I told little man as we were about to cross the parking lot "Hold my finger" because it was all I had free, between the 3 bags, my clutch wallet and keys. There was an older guy behind us that let a very audible laugh out when I said that. He says "I needed that laugh, thank you!" as if I said it just for his pleasure. I really said it because I don't want little man in a parking lot not holding my hand in some way, but hey, if it made him laugh it was a dual purposed saying!

..and then my kid witnessed a birdie gang-bang

So the kid and I were walking into the store to grab cat food because we had gotten all the home from the grocery store before I realized I didn't buy any cat food and we were completely out of cat food and I like to not be killed and eaten by hungry bitch cats in my sleep so back out we went, when his eye and ear was caught by the ear-splitting squawking of birds. I look over, in the direction of the noise and where he was pointing, and see 3 sparrows having what can only be described as a birdie-orgy under the shopping carts. 

Nixon says "Mommy that baby bird is being hurt! We need to help it quick!"
me: No baby, she is not hurt. Those birdies are just trying to make baby birds, but they get a little loud (as I keep walking with him and resist the urge to tell him "she might actually be enjoying what she's getting right now, so girls are kinky like that")
Nixon: They have baby birds?!? I want to see the babies!
me: No honey, they are making babies, they don't have them yet.
Nixon: Will they have them when we leave?
me: No Nixon, it takes time for the birds to make the babies. Birds have eggs that they need to lay in nests.
Nixon: But those birds weren't in a nest.
me: (boy, I really stepped in with that one) No baby, they lay the eggs in the nest, they don't make the babies in the nest.
Nixon: Baby birds are made on the ground?
me: Yeah, we'll go with that!
**Thank gods he didn't ask where baby dogs/dinosaurs/people come from...** 

And thank you horny sparrows for having a public gang-bang in the middle of the fucking sidewalk where any curious child can see. I did notice I was the only parent not brushing off the "what's happening?" questions from their child. Honestly, no, it's not the funnest topic in the world to discuss with your child, but it's not exactly earth-shattering either. I managed it and I can't do anything right these days!

I kept it simple, no lies that I'd have to remember next time, and no graphic details. He was satisfied and I answered his questions. Seriously, how hard is it to be honest with our children about sex?? Isn't that how they got here? Are there seriously parents out there who believe if they don't ever talk to their kids about sex their kids just won't do it?? Because I'm living proof that does not work! I'm almost *cough* 30-something years old and my parents never had the talk with me. No wait, that's not true. My dad thought I was having sex with my boyfriend and he told me "If you are stop! It is not fun until you're married" *for the record I had just as much fun having sex before I was married as I do now that I am married. I just actually like to sleep snuggled in my husband's arms now, which I never wanted to do in most cases with the guys I slept with before* 

My point is, the earlier you discuss sex the easier and less awkward is it. Plus, you kid kind of trusts you to tell him/her the truth. Like I can tell Nix to wear a condom because it'll protect him from diseases plus protect the girl/guy he is with and I won't come off sounding all preachy, I hope. 

But if you never take these small and admittedly odd but nature-given opportunities to discuss things you're missing chances. I mean, outside of porn, when else are you going to get a chance to see a gang-bang with your child and not scar them for life?!?! A porn will probably scar Nix if I showed it to him at age 4...and even I know that's a bad parenting decision!