Snarky Bitch takes on annoying tv commercials

   Have you watched these commercials? My son thinks they are hilarious, but only when the adults are shown doing the actions the kids suggest.
   Me? I think they are dumb as fuck and annoying. Every single time I see one of these commercials I get pissed off and start yelling "Oh HELL fucking no would that shit fly with me!". Why, you ask? It's simple, unless these children have bought this box of halos with their own money, it is not "okay" for them to tell their parent(s) they aren't allowed to eat one.
   When did it become accepted for kids to tell adults what to do?!? I sure as hell did not get to do this kind of shit when I was a child and I'll be damned if my son will EVER do this shit to me!
    And why are these parents ASKING their kid if it's "okay"?? If you want a goddamned orange, eat a fucking orange!

   The point? Those commercials suck!
And they aren't the only ones....

   I'm sure I haven't mentioned this, but UH is an only child....BY CHOICE! *gasp!* So that means, for all intent and purpose, I am a lifetime member of the "First Kid" Club. Every stage he's going through is a first for me, but that doesn't mean I'm the type of mom being portrayed in these commercials.
   First, I never drove around at night hoping for my child to fall asleep in the car. By the time he was 6 weeks old, he was already sleeping in his crib falling asleep on his own!
    Second, I never woke up in a panic checking for diaper leaks. Know why?! I was fucking asleep!! If he needed something, he'd cry and let me know.
   Finally, what is wrong with reading age-appropriate books to your child? The last thing I want to read to my son is the latest exploits or fashion mishaps of the Kar-trash-ian clan!

    These commercials just add fuel to the "mommy wars" fire. Trust me, as a mom with one (awesome) kid and zero plans of having any more kids, there's plenty of fuel already there. It's the dumbest thing, these commercials and the idea of one mom being better than another, to compete when raising kids. One kid or 19 kids, any person raising a child is a parent. And NO ONE is an expert when it comes to child-rearing. Everyone makes mistakes and just because you've had more children doesn't classify you as an expert.

   So LUVS....please keep your "mommy wars" narrow minded bullshit off the airwaves! I've got one child and I'm an expert on raising him as best as I can!

   Before I end this post. I want to put my favorite commercial here:

   This is HILARIOUS!! Maybe more so because I'm raising a boy, but this make me laugh (or sing-a-long) every time.

Snarky Bitch vs. late night phone call and unnamed caller's intimate voicemail

   Saturday night. Geek Sailor (GS) is working the overnight shift this weekend and UH (uterus hostage) had gone to bed a little later than usual, because it's the weekend. I got comfortable on the sofa and started watching the shows I had recorded during the week.
    I don't normally flip a switch and start getting paranoid, especially when it comes to my marriage. We're very honest and have an unbelievable level of trust, given we've been burned by past lovers. Well, I know I have been burned for sure.

    Which is why, when the phone rang a little after midnight, I assumed it was GS calling even though he's much more likely to text or Voxer me. I didn't reach the house phone in time. Because I had to run upstairs and the phone ringer was set low so I didn't hear it right away. When I did reach it, there was a new voicemail waiting.
    Before checking the voicemail, I looked at the caller ID. I didn't know the name or number that had called. I dialed the house number and checked the voicemail:
   "Hi. It's me. It's late, but I'm still up. I didn't know which number to call. Call my room number if you're awake. Love ya"

    Did I mention it was a woman's voice?!? No. Yeah, it was a woman's voice.

    I immediately started messaging GS to find out what the mother-fuck was going on! Who the hell was this chick calling my HOME number, not giving a name and saying "Love ya"?!?!
    I under 3 minutes I had myself convinced my entire marriage was going to blow up.

    Then GS called me, after he read the message I sent him with the voicemail and phone number. Any man who is having an affair wouldn't blindly let his known-to-be-crazy-and-vindictive wife call an unfamiliar phone number when the caller left a message ending with "love ya".
     But that's exactly what GS was okay with me doing. I called the number from the home phone again, got voicemail and hung up. Why should I leave a message?
    The woman called me back, less than 5 minutes later.
me: Yeah?
Random caller: Uh....
me: Hello?
RC: Hi. I'm sorry, I just saw you called me.
me: Uh, yeah....I don't know who you're trying to call.
RC: Oh! You're not Karen?
me: No.
RC: Is this Karen's number?
me: Uh...no.
RC: Oh! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I called so late. I've got the wrong number.
me: Ya think?!

   Now, GS was impressed because I didn't go off on this woman and tell her she nearly ruined our marriage with her inability to listen to a mailbox message before leaving a message like that. Our outgoing message HAD both our names plus last names in it. Well, had. Because as off last night, I changed it to be a very clear and contrite message with just our family's last name.

   I guess, if he gave me reason too, I could assume the worst. Instead, we're joking about how the phone call was for me since she was clearly a lesbian looking for a hookup! HA HA
   That's how our marriage works. In the span of  20 minutes, I went from pissed, convinced my marriage was over to joking about my lesbian lover calling the house phone and leaving me a love message.

When Snarky Bitch takes her crotch fruit to a children's party at a well-known mouse themed party joint

   When the battle-cry you let loose as you head towards the door is "Socially Awkward Mom, Away!", it's probably a sign that you avoid new and unfamiliar places with unfamiliar people as a survival mechanism. However, add a school-age child to this mix and you might have to rethink that position.

   Which is how I found myself spending Saturday afternoon at a local Chuck E Cheese with the fruit of my loins and about 150 other peoples crotch fruit, plus a man (or woman) in a furry mouse costume, robotic animals on the stage and the birthday child, who surprisingly enough has been the main tormentor of my son this school year. In an even more shocking turn of events, this wasn't a party that the entire class was invited to, it was a select few and I can't say I'm not perplexed by the selection process.
   The birthday child approached us when we arrived, and finally located the party table which was mixed in amid several other children also celebrating their birthday and parents who are less than helpful and kids who when running around in a place like that they all look the same, did not say hello to either of us instead he just demanded "Which one is your gift for me?" as he pointed to the overflowing gift table. His mother apologized, introduced herself and gave us the rundown.

    Here's the biggest issue with this vortex of hell  CEC, kids get bumped/pushed/shoved/knocked over and run down by other kids and (from what I saw) there isn't always an adult or parent nearby to help them out. I was able to help one little girl who got her token cup knocked out of her hand subsequently spilling her tokens. As she was trying to pick them up, another child quickly grabbed one or two of the fallen tokens and run off with it. The little girl ran after him, her other tokens forgotten. I collected them and held on to them for her, waiting for her (and hoping a parent would walk by looking for her) to give them back to her. She did return within a few seconds, tears running down her face and more welling up in her eyes when she saw all her tokens were missing from the floor. I knelt down and tapped her shoulder, opened my hand and told her I picked them up for her. She cried "But that kid stole my token!", so I gave her one from our cup (we didn't pay for them anyhow so I didn't see the harm replacing her stolen one). She didn't smile or say thank you, but she did stop crying.
   There were plenty of other adults in the immediate area, yet not one stopped to pick up the coins or ask if she was okay. They all just ignored everything around them, sometimes their own kids! What the ever loving fuck, yo?!? This girl was maybe 5 years old, but running around without an adult nearby to help her when she needed it most! Fucking parents, people.
    The second issue involved my own child and some would-be ticket thieves. These kids seemed pretty slick. They came up next to my kid who was involved in a game and had a line of tickets from his previous game. The two other kids acted like they were playing the game next to my son, and then ever so slick reached for MY kid's tickets when he wasn't looking. Just as this kid was going to pull (hand clinched around the tickets, downward motion started), he looks back and sees me arms crossed over my chest looking at him (okay giving that MOM-glare every mom has), and the kid drops the tickets and says "Oh these aren't for my game", and then he looked at me mouth a gap when I say "For the game you just didn't play?! No, they certainly are not".

    We had used all the tokens, exchanged the tickets earned for (hopefully non-toxic) made in China plastic crap and enjoyed the remaining party time with the birthday boy and other party guests. There was another child I knew from kiddo's class and with his mom not there, I helped him so the hostess could focus on her birthday boy. I'm less awkward around kids than adults.

    Now, here's a fun little incident that almost had me find out if CEC has their own mall-jail equivalent:
When you arrive, you get a UV hand-stamp. Evidently this is to identify groups and/or parents and children who arrive together. It's apparently supposed to be waterproof, but it's not hand sanitizer proof. We used a hand sanitizer at the table before we ate, not thinking anything of it.
    I was rethinking it when we approached the exit and had our hands checked with a small black-light. We didn't have the matching stamps and the oh-so loving crotch fruit of mine decided he was going to be a total ass! The braces-mouthed kid at the exit asked if we used something on our hands, I said yes and explained the hand sanitizer, and he then tries to ask crotch fruit if he knew who I was. This is where I started to realize I might see CEC-jail: my crotch fruit starts saying "I don't know!", every time a question was asked of him. I tried explaining it was very important that he tell the kid who I was, because I was about to meet the inside of the naughty car, and crotch fruit looks at me and says "I DON'T KNOW!". I turned to braces-mouth, calm as could be and say, "May I ask him a different way?", and thankfully he agreed. I asked kiddo "If you want to get my attention, what do you call me?", and he looks at me and says "MOOOOMMMMMMY!", I looked at the employee and he said "I'm good with that", the woman who was very patiently waiting behind us said "Yep, that's her kid.".
    I left and we talked about the situation on the drive home.

Holy shit, y'all, my kid very nearly got me sent to CEC-jail because his favorite response to any question (not related to food) is "I don't know!"

...and then I put my car in reverse, parked it and got out to find out what the fuck was going on with the giant garbage dumping that was happening in my neighborhood!

    I keep to myself, for the most part. I say hello to my neighbors or do a head nod and smile when passing a neighbor, but I don't actively seek confrontations or to forge friendships with the people who live around us.
    All that changed this morning as I was leaving our housing area and saw not 1 but 3 cars and a large trailer of trash being left on the grass just a few houses away from ours. Trash had been picked up this morning, and it was obvious these people were DUMPING this shit in my neighborhood on purpose. I though, for all of 5 seconds, to drive away and let it go.
    Then I thought fuck this shit, threw my car into reverse, parked right in front of one of the cars dumping shit and got out. I walked over to the guy who was obviously the ring leader (he was pointing and yelling at everyone around him) and asked if they were tenants of the community. He said "Don't worry your head, this is an eviction matter." Yeah, because that's going to appease me. I repeated my question and he said there's was an officer I could talk to and pointed to the Sheriff's car. I went over to the marked police car and found it empty.
   SO I went back to my car and called the local authorities. It was explained to me, that in the case of evictions, the tenants can leave belongings on the curb. But this didn't appear to just be one tenants belongings, there was a trailer that they were removing shit from! And there was 2 other cars in front of the house with the eviction notice. As I was explaining this to the dispatcher, the truck with trailer and 2 other vehicles left. I told the dispatcher not to send a car, after she asked if I'd like an officer to come over and speak to me, because the people were leaving.

    What the fuck, yo?!? You get evicted and you're allowed, legally allowed, to put piled and piles of trash on the curb? Even going so far as to bring more trash just to leave?!

    If you thought that was the end, you'd be wrong.
    I came home about 2 hours later and found they had returned and were now running a swap meet, of sorts, from the pile of shit! There were 6 cars pulled along side the piles and it was being treated like a garage sale! Evidently, my assumption is, they saw my on my phone and left only to return at some point while I was out.
    At this point, because apparently the shit dumping is legal, I'm in my house away from the eviction flea market jamboree that's going on.
    Keep it classy, folks.

My snarkasm* is an inherited trait! I'm so proud!!

   My little man is sick. Not hospital sick, but if he were a grown man this would be the end of the world. However, since he's not a grown man, it's just a cold and it's being treated as such. Lots of orange juice, fruit, rest and a little medicine to help his stuffy nose.
    But....this morning I remembered we're out of: orange juice and medicine for him. I made a quick trip to the closest shopping plaza little man in tow to grab those essentials as quickly as possible.

    First stop? The drug store.
   Thankfully, they had exactly what I was looking for. I grabbed the medicine and we got in line. With the 4 people ahead of us. One cashier....jawing to the customer she's checking out, who had seriously, I shit you not, only 4 items! as the line kept getting longer. Another cashier opens up, the line moves a bit. The first cashier is still talking to the same customer...about her fucking boyfriend, and why he wasn't there to help her carry the bags! Are you for fuckin' real right now?!? Is not what I said, but I was totally screaming it in my head!
   A third cashier comes to the registers and opens up. Cashier A is still shooting the shit not realizing her ass is getting smoked by people who just came off the floor to assist with the line!
    As little man and I are walking over to the 3rd cashier's register, the customer finally is leaving the first cashier's register. I say, as we're walking behind her "Excuse us", this "woman" turns and steps ON my child! Before I can say anything, little man says "Hey, you don't step on me! Say you're sorry!", she looks at him and says "You should look where you're going and mind your mouth.". My little man stands right next to me, holds my hand and says "My mom used her manners first. She said "'xcuse me" and we walked by. YOU stepped on me and didn't say you're sorry! That's rude! Right mommy?"
   The woman rolls her eyes and rushes out the door. The cashier, checking us out, says to little man, "Are you okay, honey?" and he says "Yes, but that lady is just mean." I also made sure he was okay. The first cashier, not checking anyone out at the moment because the other 2 had gotten the line under control, looks at me and says "He's got a mouth on him, mom, huh?". Now, I'm pissed!
   "Actually, no he doesn't. He simply has better manners than most adults he sees and he's learning to call people out for their bad manners. Now, should he speak to an adult like that *I'm looking down at him as I say this*, no he should not. However, if an adult steps on a child, the adult owes the child an apology. She didn't even ask if my child was hurt!"
   The cashier checking us out? She gave little man a sticker. Then she told the first cashier, in front of customers, "Next time you see a line, you call for backup, you don't hope it'll appear. Also, you can't spend that much time talking to one customer when the line is growing. It makes people irritable."

   Moral of the story? My little man will call you on your bullshit if you give him reason too! And I couldn't be prouder of him for that!!
 

  Our second stop was at the grocery store. It was a quick trip, that resulted in 3 shopping bags of food, one bag with 2 half gallon cartons of orange juice in it.
   When we were leaving the store, I told little man as we were about to cross the parking lot "Hold my finger" because it was all I had free, between the 3 bags, my clutch wallet and keys. There was an older guy behind us that let a very audible laugh out when I said that. He says "I needed that laugh, thank you!" as if I said it just for his pleasure. I really said it because I don't want little man in a parking lot not holding my hand in some way, but hey, if it made him laugh it was a dual purposed saying!

Evidently, my husband hates me....why else would he force me to pick one?!?!

My hubs and I were watching Dish Nation together. They were discussing the Roast of James Franco, and talking about his hygiene issues. Why women are dropping panties for him I don't get, and I say as much to Hubs, who comes up with this "fun" game:
Hubs: If you had to choose one: James Franco or Robert Pattinson, who would you do?
me: Can I join a convent?
Hubs: No, you have to choose one.
me: Can I kill myself instead?
Hubs: No. You know the rules, you gotta pick one. James Franco or Robert Pattinson?
me: I feel dirty just thinking about this, you know.
Hubs: That's still not choosing one.
me:.....*deep sigh* Robert Pattinson.

My logic is pretty flawless: RP has been in 4 movies with Taylor Lautner, therefore I can easily fantasize about TL while with RP and never once have to actually think about RP. With JF it will require way too much imagination to make him less dirty and I'm not working that hard just because I had to "choose one".

The moral of this post? There isn't one....other than my hubs likes to ruin my sex drive with gross "pick one" options sometimes. And then won't even let me kill myself as an option to get out of making a choice.

Down, but not giving up!

   Anyone who has dealt with depression themselves or watched a loved one battle this demon, knows it's a bitch. I've watched family members and friends face-off against this monster most of my life. Some win, with a lot of help, and for some its a losing battle, because they can't/won't ask for help. I, myself, take medications to keep my head straight. It's not depression but it's a mental issue none-the-less, which was affecting me as a mother/wife/friend and person. I needed help and finally realized it was time to get it when I saw fear in my child's eyes as he looked at me. Never again, was the thought I had when I admitted it was time to fix my shit.

   I'm not home. That's not true. I'm home with my husband and son. My family. I'm not home with the family I came from not created, if that makes sense. Without going into a lot of details, my dad is facing some health issues which seem to have sent him into another downward spiral of depression. A family member, who does live just miles from my parents, saw my dad recently and noticed he is not taking care of himself. Rather than stopping to talk to him and ask how he's doing, this family member went about their business, barely pausing to say hello.
   Am I angry? You fucking bet I am! This family member is well aware of the struggles my father has had with depression. But instead of growing up and putting the past behind them, they insist on blanketing themselves in the past, holding on to it like a shield that justifies any and all slights they now do to my parents, out of spite or out of plain indifference, it doesn't matter. At this time, in my family's life, we can't choose where we live, the Navy dictates that for us. I do the best I can, living about 500 miles away, but for fucks sake, I have family that live less than 5 miles away and do nothing!

   Speaking of family. Who the fuck says "I've been depressed before too, but I still washed my ass"?!? An insensitive, self-righteous snot, that's who! I've seen people, I've been people, so depressed that eating, showering, even getting out of bed is a struggle. It's so hard to do. It doesn't need to be belittled and looked down upon by someone else claiming they understand depression and that's not depression! Fuck you! You were lucky, and you didn't sink down as deep as this person is sinking. Try tossing a lifeline of hope instead of judgement and condemnation!

   I don't know if I can help my dad. I don't know if he wants help. But I do know, I'm not judging him. He's got a plateful of shit sitting in front of him to digest and it seems to only get fuller and fuller as days go by.
    I want him to know, he's not alone. I'm not there by his side, but I'm in his heart.

   Sometimes, being a grown up really fucking sucks. Being a grown up far from home, when issues with parents arise, sucks even more. Knowing you're really the only one who wants to fight to save a loved one, but you're not physically there to make a difference....hurts like hell. But I'm not giving up!

A car alarm only works if someone is there to catch the crime....otherwise it's a noise violation, you fucktard!

Dear neighbors on vacation,
    I realize you must be oh-so worried about your second vehicle while you're on vacation. That's the only explanation I can come up with for why your car alarm is so sensitive that a flea sneeze sets it off. What puzzles me though, is what exactly you expect this to accomplish when no one is home to hear the alarm.
   That is, no one is home at your house. Everyone in the neighborhood hears your alarm. I live directly across the parking lot, your car is parked less than 5 yards from my bedroom window. I hear your alarm. Every single fucking time the goddamned thing goes off I hear it. At 3am? I hear it. In fact, I can tell you the exact pattern it's set to go off at. That's how fucking often this goddamned thing has gone off in the 6 days you've been gone!
   For the record, your car alarm has gone off because the path behind our complex was being paved. It went off during a thunderstorm. It went off when the ice cream truck came by. I'm pretty sure it dislikes the color of flowers blooming nearby because it's gone off randomly without cause and when there's been no one around it.
   Also, why in the fuck would you even have a car alarm set to go off when you're not home? I mean, what's the goddamned point? It's not like you're going to stop a break-in, are you? I sure as fuck won't, given that I'm willing to let someone steal that piece of shit just so the cocksuck alarm is silenced for good! In all honesty, I'd like to set the car on fire just so there's a real reason for the fucking thing to screech, beep and flash every 4-15 seconds! Also, every time it goes off the neighbors dogs start barking. So thanks for that too!

   You are a true piece of spoiled cunt juice. It's a shame you are not here to deal with the insanity that is your dumbass car alarm.

Sincerely,
One pissed off, sleep-deprived neighbor. There will be payback for this......

For real phone call that I received

*house phone rings*
me: Yeah? (because I almost never answer with "hello" you called me. also, I open the door for the delivery guys before they knock...freaks them out every time! It's fun that way!)
guy on the line: It's Danny.
me: Huh?
guy on phone: Hey, its Danny.
me: Ummm...who?
guy on phone: Um...it's Danny. Is this operations?
me: Yeah..no. You've totally got the wrong number.
guy on phone: Are you kidding me? It's fucking Danny! I need to speak to operations.
me: Okay. Well, I don't know who you are but you clearly have the wrong number.
guy on phone: *whispers* Forget this call happened.
me: I know EVERYTHING!

The kicker? This is what came up on my caller ID:                                                                                                                          
ATT BCO TSA

Apparently, "Danny", if that is his real name, with TSA has that cheery TSA attitude 24/7, y'all! He comes across as a dick, so I can totally see why his co-workers, assuming that's who he thought he had called, would treat him like a fucking moron as I did. However, after the 2nd or maybe even 3rd "who?" you'd think he'd realize "shit I dialed the wrong number and I'm coming off as kind of an asshole, maybe I'll apologize and just hangup." Not ole Danny boy, he followed his dickish behavior through to the end, complete with a pseudo-ominous closing line.

The only way this would've been a better call is if it would've read NSA instead of TSA..because then you can rest assure my phone line is bugged and those fuckers are getting NOTHING useful from me!

This is why I'm not allowed in large crowds of stupid people unsupervised.....

    Today was Free Comic Book Day. For anyone not familiar with the concept, it's exactly what it sounds like: free comic books. Our favorite local comic book store was also celebrating their 5th anniversary of being in business and it was a big event! They started planning and advertising for it in February.

  Mac and I camped out last night, with about 75-100 other people. It was cold, windy and we slept in the car for about 4-5 hours.

   We got our comics signed first, then stood in the long line to get into the store. Now, here's the thing: it's a big store but still only has 2 registers. So there's going to be a wait. There's also signs up and employees wearing t-shirts that say "Free Comic Book Day 2013 May 4th". So after standing in lines for over 3 hours, sleeping in the car and being cold, I was reaching my max limit of stupid people tolerance.
  Enter douchecaneo walk-by: Hey, what's with the line?
  Mac: It's free comic book day, so the comic book store is giving away comic books and having big sales.
  Douchecanoe: Oh, so everyone's in line for the comic book store?
  Mac: Yep.
  Douchecaneo walks away and I say to Mac: Man, I should've said "It's free abortion day!".
Mac starts laughing at my inappropriateness and the guy with 3 young kids behind us is asking what I said, Mac just says "Nothing important, my wife has just started her massive inappropriately responses to stupid questions".
What can I say? It amuses me.

my free comic book day costume!

Shit..this is my damned life!

Damn...the pentacle outside my front door isn't working.
I don't mind religious folks. I do mind when you try to share a Bible verse with me, after I tell you I'm not interested, have read the Bible, grew up with 4 different versions of Christianity and went to a parochial school ("What is that?" not a good question)...when you tell me "It helps to read the Bible as an adult, you understand more"
So yes, I will tell you my personal reasons for not believing. Do you know why? There are no answers you can give me for what I went through...no verse in your little magic book that makes my bitterness magically go away, because I don't believe. It's my choice. I tried being nice. I started by stopping her and saying, "I'm sorry, my household is Pagan agnostic, we don't believe in God" very warmly not at all judgemental or hateful.

**knock, knock**
Nixon: Mommy there's someone at the door.
me: Thanks, kiddo. *grabs a hoodie, I ain't wearing a bra!*
Opens the door
(fuck me...I see Bibles!)
me: Yes?
woman A: Hello, we're out sharing the word with our neighbors, given what's going on in the world over the past couple hours. *starts opening her Bible*
me: Oh,I'm sorry, my household is Pagan agnostic, we don't believe in God
Woman A: Have you ever read the Bible?
me: *chuckles* Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, I grew up reading the Bible. I was brought up with 4 different variations of Christianity and went to a parochial school. I've read the Bible multiple times, it's of no comfort to me.
Woman A: Well, have you read it as an adult. I've found reading it when not forced brings new meanings.
me: Look, I don't believe in God. I had a bad childhood and I asked "God" for help. I was questioning the conflicting views on the religions I had and went to different pastors and was told I was being a troublemaker, instead of being taken seriously. Religion is not helpful to me.
Woman A: Well, I'm sure God wanted to help.
me: Really, well he sure works slow. Because when I was being abused and praying for it to stop, it never did. When I was asking for help from adults, I was being ignored, so excuse me if I don't believe that your magic book has the answers to make me feel better.
*stunned silence*
Woman A: I'm sorry you went through that. But you seemed to have come out okay.
(I closed the door in her face at that point. I was getting way too angry! That's not something you say to someone you don't know who has just said they were abused. She has no idea how I am!)
Woman B just stood meekly behind the first woman and tried twice to pull on woman A's sleeve and walk away. She's smart. I liked her, she also never said a word. Another reason I liked her.

I really do not begrudge Christians or their faith. But I wish this woman would have respected my faith and left. I wasn't crying in a ball asking "Why?!?" and looking for answers. If they had been a youth group trying to raise money to go to Boston to help, I would have donated a couple bucks to get them there.
I find it interesting that, during the whole interaction, Nixon never once came to the door. He stood behind it and watched my body language. Normally, he's very friendly with anyone who comes to the door, because I'm very friendly with people who come to the door. Not today.

That's it....common sense IS DEAD!!

   As I was driving on the highway today, with Nix in the car with me, I notice the car in front of me driving out of the lane and onto the shoulder of the road. My first thought was they had some kind of vehicle issues. But that was not the case, as the driver overcompensated from the shoulder and jumped back into the lane of traffic.
   By this point, I put a healthy distance between this car and my own. I usually try to keep 3 car lengths between my car and the car in front of me, for this crazyass I made it more like 6!
  Eventually, the car switched lanes and moved into the lane on my left allowing me to get ahead of *her* (as I later saw) a place I most definitely felt more comfortable being.

   As I was passing her, I glanced over and saw the most painful thing I've witnessed happening. Let me preface this by saying a couple things:
1) Old people should not be allowed to leave the house and drive alone. EVER!
2) I wear glasses for distances but do not need them for reading.
3) I am very, very vigilant about not using my cell phone when driving.

Now what I saw: An elderly woman, holding a touch screen type cellphone, lifting her glasses off her face to see the screen, and not looking at the road at all! Remember, she had moved from the right lane of 3 lanes of traffic to the center lane! I was approaching an off-ramp and thankfully the cars in front of me all got off, because I hit the gas and put 10 car lengths between me and ole-blind-as-a-bat-cellphone-reader-grandma back there!
  Who in their right mind, thinks that lifting their glasses off their face while driving approximately 60-65mph to look at a cell phone screen, is a good idea? Anyone?!? Holy fuck on a stick, I thought the older generations had more common sense than the younger ones, but this crazy old bat proved me wrong!

   I am amazed at the number of people I see on a daily basis driving and talking on their cellphones. It pisses me off to no end, because there are laws against it! How fucking hard is it to pull over, or wait to get out of the parking spot until you're off the phone, or learn how to use the bluetooth option that came in your car (for those cars that have it)? I am almost certain the people who ride my ass, or lock up their brakes coming to a red light do it because they are too busy talking on the fucking cell phone rather than paying attention to what they should be doing....driving!

   My point is: If you can't see things up close with your fucking glasses on, and you are behind the wheel of a moving goddamned car, keep the fucking glasses on, put the goddamned fucking cell phone down and just fucking drive! I, and the other people on the road with you, will thank you for it!
   Seriously, I'm pissed that kind of bullshit even needed to be said, but evidently, it did. Someone's grandma was too fucking dumb to realize this is common-fucking-sense, and she was out driving alone in her silver RAV4, on MD50 EB towards the Bay Bridge today.

My husband...the party pooper.

   Apparently my husband has no sense of humor when it comes to family bonding that may or may not involve a possible crime. It's not like a murder pact or anything like that, I was simple hypothetically, suggesting a drunk accident befalling someone.

   All of a sudden my husband is all "I can't have you planning a felony" and "you can't even joke about that" and "what about our son? what happens to him if you're in jail?" like he actually thinks I'd get caught! Where's the faith, the love and the commitment?!

  Geesh! That's the last time I tell him anything before I call him from jail!

 Almost 5 years of marriage and this is the thanks I get? I wasn't even asking him to participate in anything! Well...I guess I know who I'm NOT calling if I need to suddenly bury a body. Nice to know who you can really and truly count on in this world.

  Next time, I'm adding "and we'll always help each other get rid of the body of evidence" in my wedding vows. If he can't say that, then we're just not meant for each other afterall.

*the previous has been written under a medicated state and should not be taken seriously by anyone without a sense of humor. however, if you have a sense of humor and you read this, please laugh and tell my husband it's a joke! To my husband: I should not be awake still and this blog post proves why the voices in my head make for bad company when left unsupervised*

Pruning the family tree

   Well, it seems like the time has come to do some spring cleaning. But it's winter, you might be saying to yourself. And you would be correct, but I'm finding myself ass-deep in the winter blues so what better way to cheer myself up than some soul searching spring cleaning?

   This isn't just any ordinary spring cleaning, this is literally, cutting some dead weight off the ole family tree. See, I've got some real "winners" in my family and only recently have I been truly exposed to their true colors and I'm realizing I don't need that kind of ugliness in my life. What's better is, if I don't contact them I don't hear from them 95% of the time. It's like there's a force field around my hometown that prevents people who live inside of it from remembering about the people on the outside of it. And I've finally reached my breaking point. I can't and I won't be a "when it's convenient" only family member anymore. I know I'm not perfect about calling people, but dammit  if I was in the hospital or Nixon was in the hospital, I'd fucking call people! And I wouldn't try to keep a secret for 6 goddamned years and then get pissed and tell more lies when the truth came out! I don't tell lies that affect the whole family!

   Sure, everyone tells lies. I've had this same discussion with my 4-year old. Everyone lies: there are big lies, little lies and all kinds of lies in between. It takes a strong person, a person with integrity, to admit the truth when confronted and caught in a lie. Evidently integrity is not a strong suit in my gene pool. I'm changing that with Nixon.

  To me I'd rather spend my time with family who love and value me and my family. Not feel entitled to my time and visits from us. Entitlement is a serious epidemic in this country and I refuse to feed it! I have many friends and family who I keep in touch with through facebook, Skype and email because there are so many miles between us. Is it a perfect solution? NO, by no means no, but the efforts are being made and all parties appreciate the efforts being made. Telling me your life is "too busy to deal with this" when "this" is a family member who is not trouble is disgusting! To sweep something under the rug because it's not happy or nice, is how certain family members have become the way they are *cough, pothead,cough*. But what do I know? I'm just a troublemaker/problem who lives miles away.

   And the lies told haven't just hurt me, they've hurt other family members and friends as well. I'll openly admit, I am not perfect. I'm flawed, I've told my share of lies but I have never told a lie that led to a family member's depression. I've ruined my own mental health by my own actions and I've said harmful things to family members, but my child is not a pawn I use to hurt people!

   The saddest part of all of this is, when the whole situation first came to light and I confronted my family, I was told to give it time for "prayers". After these "prayers" the decision was to "leave things as they are and let it go". In other words, "god" doesn't care enough to let the truth come out. And certain family members wonder why I find no comfort in prayer or their faith....

Stop calling me!!

  Evidently the person who had our home number before us was named Veronica. She owes money to a couple utility companies, is either attending or interested in attending DeVry University and has not updated her contact information. How do I know this?
   Because every day, for the last 2 weeks, I've gotten 3-10 calls a day for this person. Some of the callers are nice and apologize. One person, because obviously if a female voice answers the phone I must be the person just lying about my identity, was exceptionally rude.
   The first couple days I was tolerant. The next few days, less so. When I was able to recognize voices as people I've spoken to before, thus having already told them Veronica is unreachable at this number since it had been reassigned as of June 2012, I started to get pissy.


One pissy conversation went like this:
me: Hello?
caller: Is Veronica X there?
me: No, I'm sorry this number was reassigned as of June 2012.
caller: Oh, well it's vitally important that I reach her, might you have forwarding information?
me: Are you serious right now? The number was reassigned, it's not like she was a friend of mine who moved away, I don't know the person who people have been calling for every day for the last two weeks.
caller: Oh, well who am I speaking with?
me: Oh annoyed person with no life, evidently.
caller: Well I have good news for you, this call is for you.
me: No, it's not. The call is for Veronica and she's no longer here. That does not mean you get to try to short straw me into what ever you were going to sell her.
caller: But ma'am this is a special offer for your household only.
me: I'm beginning to understand why Veronica didn't want this number anymore....*calls off into the distance* what's that? the house is on fire? well let it burn down, might be the only way I get this crazy bitch off the phone. *speaks back into the phone* Oh, are you still talking?
caller: If you're busy I'll call back at a better time.
me: Please, I'm asking politely, do not ever call this number again. It's already registered on the Do Not Call list, but you've gotten around that, so I'm telling you: Do Not Call. I'll have a whistle next time.
Caller: Oh but one more minute please...
me: no *hang up*

Mac says just hang up, and while that seems the most straightforward way to deal with this, I prefer to have a little fun with this assholes. I have caller id, I know how many times a week numbers are calling me. While one person may have only called me once, the number called me 7 times in 5 days. You have your forms of entertainment, I have mine.

Social media...making all the tough decisions for you, 1 million "likes" at a time

  Fuck me...facebook has once again become the very bane of my existence and making me question just how stupid humanity really is becoming. If you've managed to miss this latest (lamest) craze on the face, count your blessings, and if it wouldn't be too much of a bother, would you mind forwarding me the address of the rock you have been living under, I'm in the market for a new home.

This was the first one I saw. I'm kind of lame, apparently, because I did not "like" the photo or get all "awww....how cute, he's making them work for the puppy" because really....that's not work. The mom (or dad) took the photo, maybe one of the older kids uploaded the picture and then facebook did it's fucking magic and "whaa laa" 1 million likes. You know what really would have impressed me. These kids earning money and going to an animal shelter and finding a dog the needed a family to love it. Not panhandling for "likes" on facebook, thus relieving dad from making a parental decision.
Look, "DAD", if you don't want your kinds to have a puppy, say "no". If you think they need to earn it, come up with something a little more challenging than a sign with some cute kids begging for a cute puppy. That's just setting yourself up for failure in the no-puppy department.

I've seen this one, but not nearly as often as I've seen that "dumb dad, kids want puppy" one. THIS one, I did like. Why? Because it has a real message, with a real purpose. It's a short, sweet, meaningful message. If you see it...."like" it for its simplicity.

Okay, this picture makes me sick. It makes me want to slap the fucking smile off this fucking punkass kid's face and shake this pretty little girl until her brain finds the hole it belongs in and the lights go on in her head! WHERE ARE THEIR FUCKING PARENTS?!?!?! How in the hell could anyone, who is not a horned-up, fucking sicko, even think of  liking, this picture??
Child, little blond girl, sex is not something you give up because a boy makes a sign and puts it on facebook for people to vote on. This is your sex life, not a goddamned high school winter dance vote. You clearly are not into this, either that or you just were so high/drunk at the moment this photo was taken you didn't realize what was going on. You are totally unimpressed with what is being proposed here. Seriously, do not let total strangers on the Internet have a say in your life, especially not your sex life.
And to the boy....you ought to be ashamed of yourself! You shouldn't need a million likes to get a girl to have sex with you. That's a red flag that she is just not ready (or willing) to have sex with you. Focus on some other girl who wants to be with you, freely and willing will have sex with you. Not because 1 million people "like" something on social media. In my eyes, that's a fine line between no and rape.
As for your parents: monitor your children's facebook pages! These children are clearly not ready for real life. They need supervision...I mean, for fuck sake, look what they've come up with, left to their own devices! If I saw my son and his friend had posted something like this, he would have NO computer to find out if he reached 1 million "like" or not.

Really?? This is just dumb. A wife leaves it up to social media if her husband can take a trip to England (I think that's right) This is an issue a couple needs to sit down and discuss rationally, not take a photo and let click-happy morons decide.

Bloody hell....I bet they also post a photo about when they should have a child, if they should have a child, what to name their child. If you want to go, just fucking go! If your wife gets mad, she'll change the locks while you are gone, sleep with your best friend and burn your clothes. Either way, you still got to see whatever the fuck Bradford City is...1 million likes or not.

Clearly, this guy has a smart wife. (no, this is not MY husband!) He's got my "like" and I feel this is a direct response to the photo I posted directly above this one.

Look, social media is the devil. Ecards are hilarious, memes can make you piss your pants or want to slap someone, grumpy cat is my new obsession but I have never really understood this "1 million like" bullshit. Honestly, it's the laziest thing ever. I mean, even grumpy cat was born looking grumpy! These "1 million like" assholes are letting other people do the heavy lifting to get their way. I feel anyone will eventually get a million likes, even if they are all pity likes. And who wants to get a home run out of pity. Pity sex is the WORST sex, everyone knows that. Ever toss someone a bone because they just lost a close friend or relative? Neither of you really want the sex, but you do it because you're there chances are one or both of you are really drunk and it's never good sex. Guy with the sign for sex....this is the sex you will be getting: pity sex. She will lie there and you will just be in a hole. Go buy a pie and warm it up, seriously it'll be just about the same feeling and emotional response. 

For the love of Gracey May, why am I encouraging the sexual assault of bakery items?!?! Why, because it'll save that poor little girl's self-respect at the end of the day. Maybe. It might be too late for that. If not, I suggest a nice pumpkin pie, no cherry or apple. Think outside the box...no really, remember to take it out of the box first.

These are words to live by. My son is so lucky he's got me to help him through life, isn't he?!? No pity sex for him! Straight to the nearest bakery we go! 

Lawyers, money-hungry society and ungrateful parents

What is...a post about the Sandy Hook tragedy, Alex?

That is correct.

I've got an angry post about this *now dropped, temporarily* lawsuit against the state of Connecticut on behalf of one 6-year old survivor. According to the lawyer, who I refuse to name because I find him disgusting and the very epitome of ambulance-chasing-lawyer-scum, this tragedy "was a foreseeable event and officials failed to prevent it". 

Foreseeable?!?! Is this guy fucking kidding me? Who, in the name of science, god, allah or any other deity ever possibly imagined this would happen? 

Those fucking parents, who sought out this slime, have a child to hold and comfort. There are 20 families in that community who no longer do. I'm sure those parents would gratefully take mental anguish and nightmares over what they're living with. 

And, $100 million for one child?? That's what really set me off! Sue for her therapy costs and call it a day, if you are really concerned about her mental health. Don't insult the victims families by asking for an unreal amount of money because your child survived! Start a survivors group, do group sessions,  create a walk to raise money for victims groups....anything constructive and helpful. Suing the state because some pycho-asshole got a hair up his ass to lose his fucking mind and take multiple lives in the process thus granting his entry into the most horrific depths of hell or another likewise evil place, yeah now that makes sense....in a totally assbackwards, fucked-six-ways-to-Sunday kind of way. 

Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I cannot imagine what any of these families are going through. But the reality is: money won't fix this. Lawsuits won't change the past. And teaching children that getting money for "pain and suffering" doesn't teach them to be resilient and strong and stand tall. There's not one person, that I know, who thinks throwing money around fixes real issues. I had a super shitty childhood, and if I really thought of it, I may have had a case against adults who turned a blind eye to me when I asked for help. But what would have I gained? Some money, a little satisfaction from the people who were forced to pay up...and? Not much else. I'd still have to face my past and deal with it. 
Money is not a band aid. Frivolous (stupid) lawsuits are a problem in our society. So many scum-of-the-earth lawyers out there, think one big lawsuit makes them heroes. But it doesn't, it makes them shitty human beings capitalizing on the suffering of other people.  

The only person responsible and who should be held responsible for what happened to those children, survivors and deceased, is that monster who won't get named in this post. But since he took the pussy way out and killed himself, those families are left with no one to get answers from. But suing the state won't change that. Instead, it makes you (the parents of that little girl) look greed and, well, you look like an asshole. When you should be holding your child and thanking the stars above that she's in your arms, you seek out a lawyer to sue for a totally unrealistic amount of money! Fuck you people! No, really, FUCK YOU! 

That's all I have. I'm relieved the lawsuit was dropped and I hope that little girl, and all the children who survived this tragedy, get the help she needs. I hope her parents learn to support and guide her instead of look for people to point fingers at and lay blame. 

I should just stick to watching cartoons

   While Squishy was sleeping today I caught up on news.

The story was about pitbulls, the most hated breed in America...right now. Breeds come and go, the hated ones that is. The news story was about 2 boys that were attacked in 2007 (I think). Their families started a lawsuit that led to pitbull owners who rent being forced to chose between the roof over their head and their dogs. Landlords, as a result of this lawsuit, are being held accountable for their renters dogs resulting in those landlords saying they won't rent to people who own pits.
I don't like this.
I don't like that pitbulls are being targeted. I am fearful of huskies. I have a reason (short story: as a child I was attacked by a husky. Totally unprovoked, I knew the dog and was familiar with her. I was at the wrong place and wrong time) to be afraid of them. I accept that not every husky will attack me and I was almost over my fear last year. My best friends have a husky and he is a giant LOVE of a dog. I really do adore him, he's so gentle around me. I was even brushing him without issue...until I hit a burr or a snarl and he snapped at me. I freaked the FUCK out and I could not be near him without almost shaking.
What I didn't do was start shouting from the rooftops how horrible huskies are and that they should be banned. I realize my fear of them is my own issue. One dog does not represent the entire breed.
Pitbulls are only perceived as evil and harmful because people have ruined them. They are no different from dobermans, rottweilers and even german shephards.  Each of these breeds have been seen as violent and feared. Which is ironic because german shephards are now viewed as hero dogs.
Blaming an entire breed because assholes abuse dogs is a dumbass lame shitty thing to do. I don't blame every husky I meet for what happened to me. I do keep my distance, because my head is pretty resistant about getting "over" this, not because I believe every husky wants to try to chew my face off.