Snarky Bitch vs a crankier, bitchier Snarky Bitch

 For the women that read this blog, I hope none of you have ever been where I am right now!

 My PMS started with boobs the size of melons, so sore to the touch that I cringe every time I put them in a bra. Add that to the fact that walking made them sore because they are much heavier than normal. That started 2 weeks ago. Then I started getting my migraines again, lovely right??, and my acid reflux began to rear its godawful head again. I spent 3 nights sleeping sitting up because I was choking on the acid in the back of my throat!

I was just being able to handle all that, when I woke up this morning in a foul and awful mood! I woke up wanting to hit or throw something.
The family and I had a couple errands to run and that was when I really got bad! Driving made me super annoyed/angry and I failed to keep my cursing to myself. I dropped a few "fuck"s and more than one "fucktard", and topped it all off by throwing up a middle finger because some goddamned douchecaneo was too self-important to choose the right lane of traffic to turn into then decided to force his way into the lane I was waiting in, the proper lane he wanted to be in but decided to try to skip the wait and be a giant dick! I mean, sure at least he used a turn signal, but he arrive to the stop light in the straight or right turn only lane, with his left turn signal on....he arrived with intentions to be an asshole....if that doesn't warrant a middle finger and a few "FUCK"s, I don't know what does.
Unfortunately, UH was in the car and I was driving less than flawlessly. GS decided to tell me after our next stop, I "could ride in the back with UH and watch some Bob's Burger with him". In other words, I was being sent to behave.

We came home and I was sent to my room, with computer at least, to be alone and relax. I'm so pissy and cranky I'm worried I might anger myself and have a brawl...with myself. I'm not sure who'd win that fight, we're both pretty vicious bitches right now.

Stop riding my ass, I'm working on my Karma...you fucktard!

   It's the holiday rush. Everyone has some place to be and it's more important than the where the person in front of them is trying to get too. It's so bad, my annoyance with other drivers that is, that Nix has started correcting me when I'm being mean.
   "Mom, "idiot" is not nice".
   "Mommy, you shouldn't call someone stupid."
   " But that was a man and they have peenies not vaginas"

   That last one needs some explaining.
   I was getting bad at calling people "cunts" when driving. Nix started repeated a lot of what I was saying, in perfect context of course, and with him in school "cunt" was something I needed to erase from my vocabulary when he was in the car.
   My choice? Vagina! It makes perfect sense. I started calling people "dirty vagina" when they were driving stupid. No turn signal? Almost hit me when you switch lanes? Talking on your cellphone and rolled through that stop sign? All reasons I would call you a "dirty vagina". I had it pointed out that I wasn't being fair by calling both men and women "vaginas". But that's not really the case. I call men who drive poorly, "dumb penis". Sometimes Nix points out the driver I was annoyed by was not a woman and I had to correct myself.

   The point of all this? If his teachers can't appreciate my effort to call people biologically correct terms for body parts we've all seen in some way/shape/form, then this is in vain for nothing.

    Parking lots are the bane of my existence these days. I've decided that parking lots are going to be my patience-building exercise. I'm super nice and calm in parking lots. I wave pedestrians across, even if they're not in or even near, the crosswalk. I stop and let a car back out, and if I see someone else coming to the newly empty spot with a turn signal on, I'll wave them into it, even if I was there first. Turn signal usage deserves a reward! I let cars out who have been stuck trying to make a left out of an aisle and no one lets them in. I wait extra long at the large crosswalk areas if there's a woman with kids in tow, making sure they all crossed safely before I move.
    It may sound like I'm the nicest asshole ever, right?
   A lot of those things, might have been done out of spite to some asshat-fucktard-cunt-grease whore who sits behind me and flashes their lights or beep their horn trying to get me to move faster than the cars in front of me are moving.  Sometimes, I do things out of genuine kindness, especially if Nix is in the car with me but more often than not, I'm being spiteful while being kind.
   
    Why can't people stop being total assfaced-jerk offs and let me be nice to be nice?!? I doubt I get any Karma points for an act of kindness done to be spiteful towards someone else, right?

    By the way, it's a pretty sad world when even my 5-year-old child is starting to tell people "No talking on the phone! You need to drive!"....I'm even willing to overlook the one time he yelled that followed by something about punching the person in the face. That was my bad. I had just said the same thing in the car towards an old woman who was driving with her head down, in the center of the aisle and not even noticing the number of people she nearly hit, because her head was down. She finally looked up, at me and my car, and she had a cigarette in her mouth. I'm assuming she was digging in her "pocketbook" for a lighter. That was when I said "Bitch if you hit my car, I will punch you in the face!"

   On a different note, Nix likes to tell me "Calm down, Mommy. You need a coffee." I love his logic, and he's not wrong.  

I WILL NOT YIELD!! DC drivers, I'm talking to/about you.

Goddamned DC! There is nothing worse on this side of the fucking planet, than fucking DC streets, with their fucking shitty paving and tunnels to roundabouts and motherfucking drivers that do not know how to fucking merge to save their fucking dying grandmother's life!

First, a tip: To every single, ignorant cuntfuck driver who seems to think they are the ONE person able to actually drive and use their iPhone. You are not! Put the phone down or fucking park, but stop trying to do both. Everyone knows by now it's illegal, but for some reason you're the obvious exception to the rule.

Next: If its raining outside, please stop tailgating!

Followed closely by: If the street you're driving down is congested, stop trying to force your way in. Also, stop blocking side roads and stop trying to beat red lights. The only thing you're doing is adding to the congested traffic. YOU FUCKING MORONS HAVE SOME COMMON FUCKING SENSE!

Also, if you are on the highway, the YIELD sign is directed at the lane of traffic inbound to the highway NOT you. I say this because the car in front me of did not understand this, as was evident by the driver's braking and letting cars in that lane in. We were going 60mph when this donkeycunt punch decided to do this...on wet pavement.
I was tired, I needed some coffee and I was annoyed by the overabundance of asshole drivers surrounding me. So how did I react? I slapped my hands on my steering wheel and yelled "I WILL NOT YIELD!", thankfully my husband is used to my random outbursts and understood I was reaching the end of sanity rope and just let the outburst slide.

Finally, this one almost made me see red. And not just because the vehicle involved was a red truck. This assmunch was trying to switch lanes. Here's a thought, when you can see INTO the car, at the DRIVER of the vehicle in the lane you want to get into, it's not going to happen! The lane switch that is.
Today: I'm in the center lane, red truck in the right lane. Red truck is far enough that I can look over at my passenger window and see the driver, as he is moving INTO my lane! I watch this happen, glance to left lane and see line of traffic no room to move. I honk HARD at the guy moving AT my car, not into my lane, no he's moving AT my car, while we're doing an easy 70mph. This cocksucking assmunch of a fucktard looks over at me and fucking grins! I mean full on "look at me teeth, aren't they cumguzzling white" grin. Then he jerked back into the right lane.
I almost had a fucking heart attack! I don't have many fears when it comes to driving, but getting into a crash on the highway with a fucking psycho and having my son in the car with me? That's pretty high on my short list!

I'm totally convinced that drivers in DC are required to take a test, which tests for common sense. If the person passes that test, they do not get a DC drivers license. Feel free to disagree with me on this one, but until I see one smart and courteous driver in DC with DC plates on their car, I refuse to accept that the "common sense evaluator" is not part of the testing process.

That's it....common sense IS DEAD!!

   As I was driving on the highway today, with Nix in the car with me, I notice the car in front of me driving out of the lane and onto the shoulder of the road. My first thought was they had some kind of vehicle issues. But that was not the case, as the driver overcompensated from the shoulder and jumped back into the lane of traffic.
   By this point, I put a healthy distance between this car and my own. I usually try to keep 3 car lengths between my car and the car in front of me, for this crazyass I made it more like 6!
  Eventually, the car switched lanes and moved into the lane on my left allowing me to get ahead of *her* (as I later saw) a place I most definitely felt more comfortable being.

   As I was passing her, I glanced over and saw the most painful thing I've witnessed happening. Let me preface this by saying a couple things:
1) Old people should not be allowed to leave the house and drive alone. EVER!
2) I wear glasses for distances but do not need them for reading.
3) I am very, very vigilant about not using my cell phone when driving.

Now what I saw: An elderly woman, holding a touch screen type cellphone, lifting her glasses off her face to see the screen, and not looking at the road at all! Remember, she had moved from the right lane of 3 lanes of traffic to the center lane! I was approaching an off-ramp and thankfully the cars in front of me all got off, because I hit the gas and put 10 car lengths between me and ole-blind-as-a-bat-cellphone-reader-grandma back there!
  Who in their right mind, thinks that lifting their glasses off their face while driving approximately 60-65mph to look at a cell phone screen, is a good idea? Anyone?!? Holy fuck on a stick, I thought the older generations had more common sense than the younger ones, but this crazy old bat proved me wrong!

   I am amazed at the number of people I see on a daily basis driving and talking on their cellphones. It pisses me off to no end, because there are laws against it! How fucking hard is it to pull over, or wait to get out of the parking spot until you're off the phone, or learn how to use the bluetooth option that came in your car (for those cars that have it)? I am almost certain the people who ride my ass, or lock up their brakes coming to a red light do it because they are too busy talking on the fucking cell phone rather than paying attention to what they should be doing....driving!

   My point is: If you can't see things up close with your fucking glasses on, and you are behind the wheel of a moving goddamned car, keep the fucking glasses on, put the goddamned fucking cell phone down and just fucking drive! I, and the other people on the road with you, will thank you for it!
   Seriously, I'm pissed that kind of bullshit even needed to be said, but evidently, it did. Someone's grandma was too fucking dumb to realize this is common-fucking-sense, and she was out driving alone in her silver RAV4, on MD50 EB towards the Bay Bridge today.

Driving 101.....for the A-holes on the road today

Whooo-doggie! I'm sick as a dog for one day and the whole world forgets how to fucking drive! Okay, here's a little Driving 101...think of it as a course, in how NOT to get a middle finger flashed at you.

1. The 4-way stop Apparently, this is a forgotten art, if you will. First, 4-way means, every car must come to a complete stop, and yield to the cars who were at the stop before you. This does NOT mean, the bigger vehicle gets to go through said stop, while following a vehicle! *THIS WILL GET YOU FLIPPED OFF IN A HURRY, WHEN I CATCH UP TO YOUR DUMBASS!*
example: A mustang has right of way, then it's my turn. The mustang is turning left, while I'm making a simple right turn. Behind the Mustang is a Dodge Ram pickup. The Mustang makes his left turn, I proceed to start my right turn...only to see that the Dodge behind the Mustang ran his turn at the stop sign and nearly took off my front end! Just because you are in (a) a hurry or (b) a bigger vehicle, does not mean you "bully" your way through a stop sign. Regardless of whatever the fuck was going through your obviously truck compensating mind, you are not special and you can not just "follow-the-leader" when it comes to 4-way stops.

2. The California Roll It's my understanding a lot of people believe this to be legal. It's kind of a grey area because, it is legal at YIELD signs but NOT at a STOP sign. (For those unaware, the California roll, is when a car slows down almost to a stop, then rolls past the actual STOP sign. Seriously, I can not tell you how many crazy-bitchass people did this bullshit in Okinawa, going so far as to whine about it, when they got caught and ticketed by Security Forces for doing this act of dumbness)
I do not California Roll. Maybe it's because I'm from the East Coast, maybe it's because I can take 2-5 seconds of my day and make a full. complete stop when required, who knows. Even if there is no traffic coming, I come to a full stop 95% of the time. *I allow 5% for times I'm not paying attention, because I realize no one is perfect ALL the time.*

3. High Beams flashed in my mirror WILL NOT make me blow a STOP sign Neither will honking at me or swishing your hand at me from your car. You are behind me, so unfortunately that means you've just forfeited those aforementioned 2-5 seconds while I make my full and complete stop.

4. A Turn Signal is not a Magic Sign that Clears a Spot for you in Traffic Traffic sucks, we all know this. Sometimes you just gotta go with the flow and sit back while creeping forward at less than 5-10mph. And it never fails, just when you get into one lane, the lane next to you starts to move faster! IT NEVER FAILS! But, as soon as you get into that "faster" lane, it slows to a dead creep. Here's the problem, people keep hopping lanes CAUSING the backups. So sit the fuck back, turn on the radio and chill! Do not turn on your turn signal and just jet in front of the traffic that's moving! That's how motherfucking accidents happen! THEN you're in the hospital, more than likely the other vehicle's occupants are too AND you are the most hated person in the world at that moment because instead of traffic creeping forward, it's a dead fucking stop while your dumbassery is cleaned up! So congrats on that!
Please make sure you are clear, more than 3 feet clear, before switching lanes! I don't want to have to get out of my car, while calling 911 to report the accident, just to walk up to you in your wrecked state and say "I told you so, Asshole!" I really don't, but there's a high chance, I will.


*this message brought to by: Sunday drivers on the 50 in Annapolis....ps, the Bay Bridge will always be backed up on the weekend, plan ahead DOUCHE-ASSES!