Stop riding my ass, I'm working on my Karma...you fucktard!

   It's the holiday rush. Everyone has some place to be and it's more important than the where the person in front of them is trying to get too. It's so bad, my annoyance with other drivers that is, that Nix has started correcting me when I'm being mean.
   "Mom, "idiot" is not nice".
   "Mommy, you shouldn't call someone stupid."
   " But that was a man and they have peenies not vaginas"

   That last one needs some explaining.
   I was getting bad at calling people "cunts" when driving. Nix started repeated a lot of what I was saying, in perfect context of course, and with him in school "cunt" was something I needed to erase from my vocabulary when he was in the car.
   My choice? Vagina! It makes perfect sense. I started calling people "dirty vagina" when they were driving stupid. No turn signal? Almost hit me when you switch lanes? Talking on your cellphone and rolled through that stop sign? All reasons I would call you a "dirty vagina". I had it pointed out that I wasn't being fair by calling both men and women "vaginas". But that's not really the case. I call men who drive poorly, "dumb penis". Sometimes Nix points out the driver I was annoyed by was not a woman and I had to correct myself.

   The point of all this? If his teachers can't appreciate my effort to call people biologically correct terms for body parts we've all seen in some way/shape/form, then this is in vain for nothing.

    Parking lots are the bane of my existence these days. I've decided that parking lots are going to be my patience-building exercise. I'm super nice and calm in parking lots. I wave pedestrians across, even if they're not in or even near, the crosswalk. I stop and let a car back out, and if I see someone else coming to the newly empty spot with a turn signal on, I'll wave them into it, even if I was there first. Turn signal usage deserves a reward! I let cars out who have been stuck trying to make a left out of an aisle and no one lets them in. I wait extra long at the large crosswalk areas if there's a woman with kids in tow, making sure they all crossed safely before I move.
    It may sound like I'm the nicest asshole ever, right?
   A lot of those things, might have been done out of spite to some asshat-fucktard-cunt-grease whore who sits behind me and flashes their lights or beep their horn trying to get me to move faster than the cars in front of me are moving.  Sometimes, I do things out of genuine kindness, especially if Nix is in the car with me but more often than not, I'm being spiteful while being kind.
   
    Why can't people stop being total assfaced-jerk offs and let me be nice to be nice?!? I doubt I get any Karma points for an act of kindness done to be spiteful towards someone else, right?

    By the way, it's a pretty sad world when even my 5-year-old child is starting to tell people "No talking on the phone! You need to drive!"....I'm even willing to overlook the one time he yelled that followed by something about punching the person in the face. That was my bad. I had just said the same thing in the car towards an old woman who was driving with her head down, in the center of the aisle and not even noticing the number of people she nearly hit, because her head was down. She finally looked up, at me and my car, and she had a cigarette in her mouth. I'm assuming she was digging in her "pocketbook" for a lighter. That was when I said "Bitch if you hit my car, I will punch you in the face!"

   On a different note, Nix likes to tell me "Calm down, Mommy. You need a coffee." I love his logic, and he's not wrong.  

Old people of the world (or at least those closest to my vicinity), turnabout is fair play!

   Ever notice how every older person wants to give unsolicited advice when they see a baby? I was bombarded by "well meaning"  older folks when I was still baking Squishy in my bellah! Well, the time has come for a little payback. Squishy is talking now and asking all kinds of nosey questions these days and he's taken a particular liking to the elderly and all their nuances (i.e canes, hunches, shuffling walk, gray and balding heads of hair).  I try my best to be mindful and respectful of the elderly, but sometimes I just come to realize Squishy might learn better if he hears answers from someone other than me.

   And sometimes I feel like unleashing his relentless "why?"s on someone else. Call me a bitch but there's only some many times I can explain old age before I give up, shrug and say "I don't know honey, maybe if you ask the nice man politely he can answer that for you." like I did today. Nothing personal, old guy, but you just happened to catch my son's eye what with your shuffling walk, cane and wrinkled hand wrapped around said cane.

   Giving Squishy his props, he walked over, stopped a unimposing distance from this elderly man (something I was not always afforded when being accosted by biddies wanting to see my infant son or trying to rub my expansive belly, evidently the older you get the more personal space of others you are allowed to freely encroach into uninvited) and said "Excuse me, but why do you have that?" and points to the cane. The elderly man replied "It's my cane, I need it to walk." Not satisfied with that answer, Squishy says "Why?" and he's given a slight gruff reply "Well, my legs don't work very well. I'm not as young as I used to be."
   Sensing the guy might be getting a tad annoyed, I say to Squishy "He's celebrated a lot of birthdays and the downside to that is your body doesn't stay as fresh and new as yours is right now." I swear to gods, I tried in vain not to say "old" with him standing not 2 feet away from me! Just give me that, would you, old guy who was no doubt burning holes in the back of my head with his eyes for daring to tell my perfectly innocent son the reality of life that is: our bodies give out as we age! For fuck sake, old guy, you should've been around when I was trying to explain the birdie gang bang he innocently witnessed earlier this spring! I'm tap dancing like a mother-fucker to tell the truth and still not be so honest that I'm the mother who is blamed when the 2nd graders find out the Tooth Fairy isn't real, because my kid asks me the truth and I have the audacity to give it to him! I didn't say you were old, I said you've celebrated a lot of birthdays, which sure to you and I it's the same thing, but to my 4-year old it means you've gotten lots of cake and gifts, and that makes you awesome! So please, accept it and just remember what kids are like?!?!?
    I, of course, say nothing of the internal conversation I'm having at the moment. I thank the gentleman for his time and hurriedly usher Squishy into a different aisle in the opposite direction the elderly gent went.

   Like I said, it's all fair play. Just remember, for every unsolicited encroached moment of time taken from you by a person of an older generation while you were pregnant or with your infants/toddlers/pre-wonderment phased children, you will eventually have the opportunity to repay that moment. Sure, you may have an elderly person who doesn't like little Suzie asking why her hair is light purple (seriously, my grandmother once had light purple hair! I thought it was awesome! She thought it was a tragedy that should never be mentioned...of course that meant every child LOVED it!) and will ignore little Suzie...sorry Suzie it's part of life, not everyone wants to be your friend. Suck it up and move on. Look at the bright side, you've just given her a life lesson! And I'm sure some will be too happy to talk to your little darling, and you'll somehow end up with a new foster-grandparent before you leave the conversation, but think of how lonely that person must have been before you let your child talk to them. It's Karma points in the bank!

    I don't dislike elderly people. I don't dislike kids. I do think when you let them get together and mingle there's some potentially awesome conversations going to happen, and that's okay. Our kids need to spread their wings, and who better to help them fly than the generations who do nothing but bitch and complain about everything already?!?

Allow me to explain the meaning of "over this"

   I haven't had much snarkasm in me lately. I went back to my doctor and got my med dosage adjusted and I'm feeling much better. Which also might explain why this post is a double dose.

   Let's start at the beginning. I decided last night, right before falling asleep, that I'd take Nixon to the zoo. The Maryland Zoo in Baltimore is running a winter admission prices special: 50% off regular prices for January and February. Since it was supposed to be near 60 degrees today and Mac would be sleeping, I thought (in my medication induced haze) "hey, this is an awesome idea, let's do this". It really was a good idea because I really do love spending time with Nixon, except it was crazy foggy and it was nowhere near 60 degrees. I dressed us both mostly appropriately, packed his raincoat- just in case, grabbed some healthy snacks and a water bottle, filled my coffee mug and off we went.

    Now, once we got to the Zoo and parked, I prepare Nixon for the wait to get in. I saw the line of people as we walked to the entrance and wanted Nixon to expect the wait. It's the off-season so I don't see it as a huge inconvenience. Evidently, I was alone in this thinking.
    I realize, that as a person ages waiting in line for a few minutes is a big deal. The 2 women, who need to be told that just because they dye their hair blond doesn't mean they're fooling anyone about their age, in front of Nixon and I spent just as much time filling their faces with food as they did bitching about there being only one line open for general admission and one line open for members, even though there weren't any members waiting in line. The line would've moved faster, if the two open-mouth chewers would've moved their strollers half as fast as they moved their jaws! Instead they bitched about how slow the line moved, as there was a 5 foot gap between them and the person in front of them. I waited and said nothing. The gentleman behind me kind of giggled....once. The second time it happened, he cleared his throat. The reason there was no line at the member entrance line is because, members pay for that perk. And, if the clerk at that line invited general admission guests into the members line, members would then be forced to wait in line thus losing one of the perks of being a member. Some people may not think it's a big deal, but if I paid $109 I'm going to want all the motherfucking perks I'm entitled! I you want to get into the zoo without waiting in line....buy a mofo membership.
   And while we're on the topic of price, these bitches were in line for at least 10 minutes like Nixon and I. Why did the fucking fake ass blond cow in front me ask, not once but twice, what the senior citizen age was? I saw it on the sign that was posted above the very same gate she was waiting to go through for 10 minutes. I saw her look at the sign and complain about the fact that she had to pay for her 2 year old niece! She didn't notice that she wasn't a senior?? And when she was told, twice, 65, why did she turn around to the older guy behind me and say "What? People that old don't even come out to the zoo, am I right?", to which he says "Well, I do but only when my grandkids are inside the zoo waiting for me". That's right bitch, you just got grandpa burned! Now pay for your admission and fucking move!

   Once we got inside the zoo, Nixon and I had a pretty awesome time. We saw a lot of animals, heard a lioness roar, got to see Nixon's favorite part of the zoo: the arctic bus. Nixon loves this damned thing and its right next to the polar bears. It's set up so people can go in, sit in it, there's a drivers seat and 2 screens with conservation videos played. Nixon likes the driver's seat...big surprise, since it also has buttons and knobs to play with.
   And that's the problem. He really likes the damned driver's seat, even if someone else is playing there. Of course, I don't just let him bully his way into the seat. That's not how I'm raising him.
   It was in this place that I was so completely disgusted beyond words and insulted at the same time, that I ignored the offending assholes and solely focused on Nixon and the polar bear outside the window of the bus.

    The door was closed, but clearly the exhibit was operational, so I opened the door and we entered. Nixon beelined for the front seat and I grabbed the open seat in the front, which happened to be a single seat. On the other side of the aisle was a couple, who was there with 2 or 3 kids of their own. Their 2 kids were also at the driver's seat. Now, normally, when your kids are less than 4 feet from you, most parents would not be groping each other, right? Not these winners. She had her leg over his, the other one on the ground and he had his hand between her legs....and I'm going to stop there because I wish I didn't see what I saw. Let's just saw there's very few times I actually wish a person has adult incontinence to cause a wet spot in her pants and this was one of those times, sadly I'm pretty sure that was not the cause of it.
    You'd think, if they were being freaky in public they chose the arctic bus because there was no one else on it, right? You would be wrong. Before Nixon and I entered there were about a dozen people, adult and children of assorted ages, in there.
    In addition to doing whatever nastiness they were doing, Little Miss Wet Spot had a very poor opinion of Nixon, who was admittedly a little bossy about wanting to get into the driver's seat. He approached the seat and said "You move!" to the older girl in the seat. I immediately called him over to me and told him to be nice. He went back over and said "May I sit there please?".
    Nixon and the 2 little girls went back and forth on the playing in the drivers seat, I mostly let things be unless Nixon was really rude. The other parents did nothing, but roll their eyes every time I corrected Nixon by calling his name sternly and having him come sit by me. At one point he pulled his "I said I'm going to be bossy and you need to listen to me" bullshit to the older girl and I called his ass over to me so fast he didn't even get to finish his bossy little ass sentence! The mom aka Little Miss Wet Spot stood up, walked by me and said "We're leaving I'm so over this" to her husband and kids.
    I made Nixon sit on the floor, and as the older girl walked by he had to apologize to her. He said "Excuse me. I'm sorry I was bossy to you." Her mom turned around and said "Whatever" and walked out.
   That fucking skeevy ass cunt is lucky I'm back on my meds, because that made my blood boil! Sure, my kid can be a dick sometimes. I know he not fucking perfect, which is why he apologized to her. By the way, he apologized to her on his own. All I had to say to him was "Nixon, is there something you want to say before she leaves?". I didn't say boo fucking shit about you and your fucking dirty disgusting kid-unfriendly lovefesting when I walked in! Although I almost thanked you for stopping before my son asked what you were playing.
   And, oh-by-the-way, your kids weren't so fucking blameless either because when Nixon walked over there, they're reaction was "Oh no he can't play because we're here! He has to go away!". Of course Nixon just meandered his way right over and didn't even acknowledge the girls comments.

   In the end, Nixon and I had a great time. Not one meltdown and that's impressive.