Stop riding my ass, I'm working on my Karma...you fucktard!

   It's the holiday rush. Everyone has some place to be and it's more important than the where the person in front of them is trying to get too. It's so bad, my annoyance with other drivers that is, that Nix has started correcting me when I'm being mean.
   "Mom, "idiot" is not nice".
   "Mommy, you shouldn't call someone stupid."
   " But that was a man and they have peenies not vaginas"

   That last one needs some explaining.
   I was getting bad at calling people "cunts" when driving. Nix started repeated a lot of what I was saying, in perfect context of course, and with him in school "cunt" was something I needed to erase from my vocabulary when he was in the car.
   My choice? Vagina! It makes perfect sense. I started calling people "dirty vagina" when they were driving stupid. No turn signal? Almost hit me when you switch lanes? Talking on your cellphone and rolled through that stop sign? All reasons I would call you a "dirty vagina". I had it pointed out that I wasn't being fair by calling both men and women "vaginas". But that's not really the case. I call men who drive poorly, "dumb penis". Sometimes Nix points out the driver I was annoyed by was not a woman and I had to correct myself.

   The point of all this? If his teachers can't appreciate my effort to call people biologically correct terms for body parts we've all seen in some way/shape/form, then this is in vain for nothing.

    Parking lots are the bane of my existence these days. I've decided that parking lots are going to be my patience-building exercise. I'm super nice and calm in parking lots. I wave pedestrians across, even if they're not in or even near, the crosswalk. I stop and let a car back out, and if I see someone else coming to the newly empty spot with a turn signal on, I'll wave them into it, even if I was there first. Turn signal usage deserves a reward! I let cars out who have been stuck trying to make a left out of an aisle and no one lets them in. I wait extra long at the large crosswalk areas if there's a woman with kids in tow, making sure they all crossed safely before I move.
    It may sound like I'm the nicest asshole ever, right?
   A lot of those things, might have been done out of spite to some asshat-fucktard-cunt-grease whore who sits behind me and flashes their lights or beep their horn trying to get me to move faster than the cars in front of me are moving.  Sometimes, I do things out of genuine kindness, especially if Nix is in the car with me but more often than not, I'm being spiteful while being kind.
   
    Why can't people stop being total assfaced-jerk offs and let me be nice to be nice?!? I doubt I get any Karma points for an act of kindness done to be spiteful towards someone else, right?

    By the way, it's a pretty sad world when even my 5-year-old child is starting to tell people "No talking on the phone! You need to drive!"....I'm even willing to overlook the one time he yelled that followed by something about punching the person in the face. That was my bad. I had just said the same thing in the car towards an old woman who was driving with her head down, in the center of the aisle and not even noticing the number of people she nearly hit, because her head was down. She finally looked up, at me and my car, and she had a cigarette in her mouth. I'm assuming she was digging in her "pocketbook" for a lighter. That was when I said "Bitch if you hit my car, I will punch you in the face!"

   On a different note, Nix likes to tell me "Calm down, Mommy. You need a coffee." I love his logic, and he's not wrong.  

When the snarky bitch is now a mom, it becomes a balancing act to control the snarkasm*

   Today is Halloween.
   Wait, that's not right. It should be: Today is motherfucking Halloween, bitches!!

   This morning, Little Man got dressed up in his costume and I was able to go to school with him for his first ever school Halloween party! And holy shit, y'all, was it something to behold! There were Disney Princesses, Iron Men, Ninja Turtles, Spiderman, a Supergirl, an astronaut, a police officer and then there was Little Man totally proud, happy and content in his Pinkie Pie costume!

My Little Pinkie Pie...with his teacher. 

   The kids were all standing by the door as each child came in, waiting to see what everyone was wearing. The girls were totally in love with Little Man's costume! Even a couple boys gave him a high-five and said they liked it. Then....there was the "mean table" of 2 boys that started saying Little Man was dressed as a girl and he was a doll from Lalaloopsie. I guess they thought it was going to bother Little Man, as they said it quite loudly and to everyone who asked what Little Man's costume was. They were wrong. Little Man totally ignore them and said "I'm Pinkie Pie!" and went on to enjoy his other friends costumes.
   When that was getting a reaction, punkass-kid decided to start following Little Man around telling him he was a girl. Little Man, not realizing this was being done in a cruel manner, turned around and told the child "I'm a boy." in case the kid was confused.
    Now, I'm watching all this go down. Punkass-kid was only doing this shit when the teachers were distracted by other children or setting up an activity. Little shit's slick, I'll give him that.

    What bothered me most is there were other mothers who never stepped in to say something. Sure, it's the teachers classroom, but there were times I saw the kids doing things I knew the teachers don't allow, so I said something to stop it. (throwing the reading pillows at each other clearly stood out in my mind, as I know I've seen both teachers tell the kids the pillows are to stay on the floor and not be used to hit anyone) Yet, instead of trying to remind kids that Halloween costumes are about creativity and fun, these mothers were throwing Little Man questionable looks themselves when they saw his costume and heard what he was. Out of the almost 10 parents there this morning, one....motherfucking one!...mother said hello to me. Hell, she was the only one who even returned my smile. I wasn't giving off a bitch vibe! I'd had my coffee before going, I was there to "play nice". It's Halloween, it's supposed to be fun, right??
    Evi-fucking-dently not. It felt just as cliquey as any high school classroom I can remember. I wasn't dressed right, my kid wasn't playing the right way, his costume wasn't gender correct....for all those things it felt as if I was invisible.
    Except to the kids. There were a couple little girls who know me as "Little Man's Mom" and said hi, then quickly asked where he was and what he was wearing (they hadn't seen him yet). One little girl, especially, was super happy to see Little Man. She's the nicest to him and it warms my heart that he has a little friend like her. She's the first to say "hi" and she tries to say "bye" every day. It's adorable!

    Then the worst happened. Punkass-kid decided to take advantage of a group photo and sit next to Little Man. He kept picking on him, and was getting ignored....so he elbowed Little Man in the collarbone. Little Man told the teacher, she said it must've been an accident but I'm positive it wasn't. Today really made me realize my son is a strong individual. He's been telling us about these two "mean boys" for almost a month now. I've talked to the teachers and the school director and they've assured me they're watching the situation, but they only have so many eyes for so many kids, right?
   I brought Little Man home a little later. He had fun but was way overwhelmed and I couldn't hold my tongue much longer.

   What bothers me isn't that the kid was being a total shit! It's that he's smart enough to know how to get away with being a bully without being caught. For some reason these 2 boys have teamed up and think Little Man is a good target for them to pick on, but he doesn't care. He really doesn't care what people say about him because he doesn't yet grasp the concept of cruelty and words.
   The raging MommaBear-bitch in me wanted to explode on that little shit and ask how he even know what a Lalaloopsie doll was, if it's so girly. The assumption is he has a sister, but who the fuck cares?!? These kids are 4 and 5, they should be too young to be taunting each other with the intent to be mean, right? Kids are not born mean. Fuck, if it was a genetic thing, Little Man would be one mean little fuck, because my family alone has quite the evil-steak in us. But he's not. Instead he's a kind, funny, genuinely sweet kid and that's his nature from birth. I'm nurturing him to be himself, not some false bravado asshole shell of a person. I'm trying to let him be confidant in his own skin, which isn't always easy when ADULTS judge children for being a child.
   I adore my child. I adore who he is. I want him to be himself and not feel the need to fit in just to be liked. But fucken-a is it damned hard to do when I was the outsider growing up, the bullied kid and the one that wanted so badly to fit in. I need to break my bad habits and help him be stronger than I was.
   I have to say, from what I saw today, he's doing okay. He ignored the comments and didn't hit back. He did cry, but he's 4 I feel he's allowed to cry when upset at this age. He's a kid, goddammit!

Shit..this is my damned life!

Damn...the pentacle outside my front door isn't working.
I don't mind religious folks. I do mind when you try to share a Bible verse with me, after I tell you I'm not interested, have read the Bible, grew up with 4 different versions of Christianity and went to a parochial school ("What is that?" not a good question)...when you tell me "It helps to read the Bible as an adult, you understand more"
So yes, I will tell you my personal reasons for not believing. Do you know why? There are no answers you can give me for what I went through...no verse in your little magic book that makes my bitterness magically go away, because I don't believe. It's my choice. I tried being nice. I started by stopping her and saying, "I'm sorry, my household is Pagan agnostic, we don't believe in God" very warmly not at all judgemental or hateful.

**knock, knock**
Nixon: Mommy there's someone at the door.
me: Thanks, kiddo. *grabs a hoodie, I ain't wearing a bra!*
Opens the door
(fuck me...I see Bibles!)
me: Yes?
woman A: Hello, we're out sharing the word with our neighbors, given what's going on in the world over the past couple hours. *starts opening her Bible*
me: Oh,I'm sorry, my household is Pagan agnostic, we don't believe in God
Woman A: Have you ever read the Bible?
me: *chuckles* Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, I grew up reading the Bible. I was brought up with 4 different variations of Christianity and went to a parochial school. I've read the Bible multiple times, it's of no comfort to me.
Woman A: Well, have you read it as an adult. I've found reading it when not forced brings new meanings.
me: Look, I don't believe in God. I had a bad childhood and I asked "God" for help. I was questioning the conflicting views on the religions I had and went to different pastors and was told I was being a troublemaker, instead of being taken seriously. Religion is not helpful to me.
Woman A: Well, I'm sure God wanted to help.
me: Really, well he sure works slow. Because when I was being abused and praying for it to stop, it never did. When I was asking for help from adults, I was being ignored, so excuse me if I don't believe that your magic book has the answers to make me feel better.
*stunned silence*
Woman A: I'm sorry you went through that. But you seemed to have come out okay.
(I closed the door in her face at that point. I was getting way too angry! That's not something you say to someone you don't know who has just said they were abused. She has no idea how I am!)
Woman B just stood meekly behind the first woman and tried twice to pull on woman A's sleeve and walk away. She's smart. I liked her, she also never said a word. Another reason I liked her.

I really do not begrudge Christians or their faith. But I wish this woman would have respected my faith and left. I wasn't crying in a ball asking "Why?!?" and looking for answers. If they had been a youth group trying to raise money to go to Boston to help, I would have donated a couple bucks to get them there.
I find it interesting that, during the whole interaction, Nixon never once came to the door. He stood behind it and watched my body language. Normally, he's very friendly with anyone who comes to the door, because I'm very friendly with people who come to the door. Not today.

I still hate humanity, but its fun making people smile in the process

Not once, but twice today I found myself shaking my head at the stupidity of others. Thankfully, their stupidity was not directed towards me (I know, I was shocked too!), so it was quite easy for me to giggle quietly to myself and make a little joke, or two.

  The first was at a craft store, which may or may not be the same as a common male first name. The woman ahead of me in line wanted a refund on ribbon she "bought" a week ago. But she had no receipt, she took it out of her jacket pocket and she would not accept store credit. It was less than $5 and she was moving to Virginia, where she insisted there was not a chain of these stores. The "kid" cashier explained he couldn't do what she was asking, he could offer store credit only, there were (enter store name here) in Virginia and offered to call a manager if she'd like but she'd have to step aside so he could take care of the other customers while she waited for the manager to come up and resolve the issue. At this point, the lady re-pocketed the ribbon and stormed out of the store, leaving the cashier a little confused as to what the bloody hell just happened.
  Since he started the refund transaction, prior to realizing the woman was a batshit crazy nut, he had to call his manager to override it so he could continue with mine. Not a big deal, right? I mean, the kid was only doing his job and following store procedure.
    Not according to his "peach" (its slang for cunt bitch) of a manager. She comes barreling around the corner, raging that it better be important because her office isn't locked up, her purse is exposed because of the stupid auditor from last week and "what do you want now?". The cashier explains and she scribbles something then turns away. I tell her "He was seriously, just doing his job." She rolls her eyes at me and storms away. At this point I feel really bad for this kid, who is flaming bright red. So I tell him:
   "It's okay, later on slip her a Midol, tell her it's a tic-tac and you're life will be much easier". Not only does the kid laugh, the lady standing behind us cracks a giggle!
Honestly, if your going to be a bitch, be a bitch in your office!


   I picked up the most awesome (in photos at least) artificial tree ever today!
It's a 6.5ft, pre-lit, black tree! Yep, you read correctly, BLACK, tree!

While waiting in line to get the item I had this conversation:
me (to sales associate): I'm so glad your store had it. We had ordered it at another store but the order was canceled because there were none in stock and they are sold out online.
sales associate: oh-no, we have plenty in stock here!
me: I can't believe no one wants a black tree!
lady in line behind me: A black....christmas tree?? Is that right?
me: Yeah! A black tree. It's like a white one, but it's black!
a 2nd sales associate: "it's like a white one, but it's black" I have to tell my husband that one tonight! (I should mention the 1st associate is a whitey like me and ole nosy ass behind me and 2nd associate is of the non-whitey persuasion)
lady behind me: That just seems wrong. A black christmas tree.
me: More black tree for me! Thanks! *as I depart with my box o' black tree*

So happy holidays....you might be racist if you think a black artificial tree is "wrong"! I think it's awesome!!

It's that time of year again

  Thanksgiving is barely behind us and already we are being beaten over the head with Christmas. Although, let's be honest, Thanksgiving was a blurp between Halloween and Christmas this year, what with Black Friday sales starting at 8 or 9 pm on Thanksgiving evening and carols being played in stores the week before Thanksgiving. Christmas trees and all decorations were set up as Halloween costumes were going on clearance! The consumerism of it all is getting insane and the meaning of Thanksgiving lost in the shuffle. 

   Here is where my true snark begins. I could give two flying shits about how a store chooses to visually mind-fuck people into spending money. As long as I can walk into a store, randomly walk around, choose to leave empty handed and leave unmolested by store employees I'm a happy camper. Now, the reality of me ever leaving a store empty handed is a totally different story. And truthfully, Thanksgiving is a holiday that grocery stores make the money on anyways. Sure Target and WalMart are now stocking groceries but they aren't grocery stores first. Super WalMarts are the exceptions to that statement but moving on....

    After Thanksgiving, cashiers move on to ending transactions with a festive parting phrase. Some stores won't allow anything but "Happy Holidays" so as not to offend anyone and customers still get offended. Some stores let the cashiers choose the phrase of choice and customers get offended when the cashier says "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays". Honestly, the only time I really and truly get offended is when the cashier says something to my well meaning "Happy Holiday". Its happened more than once and I don't care who you are or what your beliefs are, there is no reason to act like I just pissed on your mamma's grave in front of you because I didn't return your "Merry Christmas" with the same 2 damned words!

   The worst case of this, was (big surprise) when I was living in Georgia. I ran in to grab a few things and got in a quick moving line. The man behind me was too close for my comfort, I'm very much a personal space person in that I like my personal space. I get to the cashier and she rings up my items and I pay. She says "Merry Christmas" to which I reply "OH! Happy Holidays to you too!" smile and grab my bag. She holds my bag and says "I said Merry Christmas" and looks at the guy behind me and says "That is what I said right?" and he of course nods and says "Yes ma'am that's what I heard". So I look at her and said, "Yeah, umm....you're going to need to call your manager because I'm sure we have an issue now."
  The manager comes over and I get my bag from the cashier and an explanation that "things are different here in the south. We take god seriously." No apology just a cheat sheet on southern greetings, as it were. As a "Yankee" I wouldn't understand that "happy holidays" is basically telling god-fearing people to fuck off with a smile, apparently.

   I prefer Happy Holidays because this time of year is rich with people celebrating different holidays. Granted, I don't know each of the holidays being celebrated, but I'm not going to claim one is more important than another because of my own ignorance. We have enough issues with religion in this country right now, why do we have to take the most joyous time of the year and make it a blood sport of who has the biggest claim on the month of December?