Friday, March 15, 2013

..and then my kid witnessed a birdie gang-bang

So the kid and I were walking into the store to grab cat food because we had gotten all the home from the grocery store before I realized I didn't buy any cat food and we were completely out of cat food and I like to not be killed and eaten by hungry bitch cats in my sleep so back out we went, when his eye and ear was caught by the ear-splitting squawking of birds. I look over, in the direction of the noise and where he was pointing, and see 3 sparrows having what can only be described as a birdie-orgy under the shopping carts. 
Nixon says "Mommy that baby bird is being hurt! We need to help it quick!"
me: No baby, she is not hurt. Those birdies are just trying to make baby birds, but they get a little loud (as I keep walking with him and resist the urge to tell him "she might actually be enjoying what she's getting right now, so girls are kinky like that")
Nixon: They have baby birds?!? I want to see the babies!
me: No honey, they are making babies, they don't have them yet.
Nixon: Will they have them when we leave?
me: No Nixon, it takes time for the birds to make the babies. Birds have eggs that they need to lay in nests.
Nixon: But those birds weren't in a nest.
me: (boy, I really stepped in with that one) No baby, they lay the eggs in the nest, they don't make the babies in the nest.
Nixon: Baby birds are made on the ground?
me: Yeah, we'll go with that!
**Thank gods he didn't ask where baby dogs/dinosaurs/people come from...** 
And thank you horny sparrows for having a public gang-bang in the middle of the fucking sidewalk where any curious child can see. I did notice I was the only parent not brushing off the "what's happening?" questions from their child. Honestly, no, it's not the funnest topic in the world to discuss with your child, but it's not exactly earth-shattering either. I managed it and I can't do anything right these days!
I kept it simple, no lies that I'd have to remember next time, and no graphic details. He was satisfied and I answered his questions. Seriously, how hard is it to be honest with our children about sex?? Isn't that how they got here? Are there seriously parents out there who believe if they don't ever talk to their kids about sex their kids just won't do it?? Because I'm living proof that does not work! I'm almost *cough* 30-something years old and my parents never had the talk with me. No wait, that's not true. My dad thought I was having sex with my boyfriend and he told me "If you are stop! It is not fun until you're married" *for the record I had just as much fun having sex before I was married as I do now that I am married. I just actually like to sleep snuggled in my husband's arms now, which I never wanted to do in most cases with the guys I slept with before* 
My point is, the earlier you discuss sex the easier and less awkward is it. Plus, you kid kind of trusts you to tell him/her the truth. Like I can tell Nix to wear a condom because it'll protect him from diseases plus protect the girl/guy he is with and I won't come off sounding all preachy, I hope. 
But if you never take these small and admittedly odd but nature-given opportunities to discuss things you're missing chances. I mean, outside of porn, when else are you going to get a chance to see a gang-bang with your child and not scar them for life?!?! A porn will probably scar Nix if I showed it to him at age 4...and even I know that's a bad parenting decision! 

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