...and then I put my car in reverse, parked it and got out to find out what the fuck was going on with the giant garbage dumping that was happening in my neighborhood!

    I keep to myself, for the most part. I say hello to my neighbors or do a head nod and smile when passing a neighbor, but I don't actively seek confrontations or to forge friendships with the people who live around us.
    All that changed this morning as I was leaving our housing area and saw not 1 but 3 cars and a large trailer of trash being left on the grass just a few houses away from ours. Trash had been picked up this morning, and it was obvious these people were DUMPING this shit in my neighborhood on purpose. I though, for all of 5 seconds, to drive away and let it go.
    Then I thought fuck this shit, threw my car into reverse, parked right in front of one of the cars dumping shit and got out. I walked over to the guy who was obviously the ring leader (he was pointing and yelling at everyone around him) and asked if they were tenants of the community. He said "Don't worry your head, this is an eviction matter." Yeah, because that's going to appease me. I repeated my question and he said there's was an officer I could talk to and pointed to the Sheriff's car. I went over to the marked police car and found it empty.
   SO I went back to my car and called the local authorities. It was explained to me, that in the case of evictions, the tenants can leave belongings on the curb. But this didn't appear to just be one tenants belongings, there was a trailer that they were removing shit from! And there was 2 other cars in front of the house with the eviction notice. As I was explaining this to the dispatcher, the truck with trailer and 2 other vehicles left. I told the dispatcher not to send a car, after she asked if I'd like an officer to come over and speak to me, because the people were leaving.

    What the fuck, yo?!? You get evicted and you're allowed, legally allowed, to put piled and piles of trash on the curb? Even going so far as to bring more trash just to leave?!

    If you thought that was the end, you'd be wrong.
    I came home about 2 hours later and found they had returned and were now running a swap meet, of sorts, from the pile of shit! There were 6 cars pulled along side the piles and it was being treated like a garage sale! Evidently, my assumption is, they saw my on my phone and left only to return at some point while I was out.
    At this point, because apparently the shit dumping is legal, I'm in my house away from the eviction flea market jamboree that's going on.
    Keep it classy, folks.

My snarkasm* is an inherited trait! I'm so proud!!

   My little man is sick. Not hospital sick, but if he were a grown man this would be the end of the world. However, since he's not a grown man, it's just a cold and it's being treated as such. Lots of orange juice, fruit, rest and a little medicine to help his stuffy nose.
    But....this morning I remembered we're out of: orange juice and medicine for him. I made a quick trip to the closest shopping plaza little man in tow to grab those essentials as quickly as possible.

    First stop? The drug store.
   Thankfully, they had exactly what I was looking for. I grabbed the medicine and we got in line. With the 4 people ahead of us. One cashier....jawing to the customer she's checking out, who had seriously, I shit you not, only 4 items! as the line kept getting longer. Another cashier opens up, the line moves a bit. The first cashier is still talking to the same customer...about her fucking boyfriend, and why he wasn't there to help her carry the bags! Are you for fuckin' real right now?!? Is not what I said, but I was totally screaming it in my head!
   A third cashier comes to the registers and opens up. Cashier A is still shooting the shit not realizing her ass is getting smoked by people who just came off the floor to assist with the line!
    As little man and I are walking over to the 3rd cashier's register, the customer finally is leaving the first cashier's register. I say, as we're walking behind her "Excuse us", this "woman" turns and steps ON my child! Before I can say anything, little man says "Hey, you don't step on me! Say you're sorry!", she looks at him and says "You should look where you're going and mind your mouth.". My little man stands right next to me, holds my hand and says "My mom used her manners first. She said "'xcuse me" and we walked by. YOU stepped on me and didn't say you're sorry! That's rude! Right mommy?"
   The woman rolls her eyes and rushes out the door. The cashier, checking us out, says to little man, "Are you okay, honey?" and he says "Yes, but that lady is just mean." I also made sure he was okay. The first cashier, not checking anyone out at the moment because the other 2 had gotten the line under control, looks at me and says "He's got a mouth on him, mom, huh?". Now, I'm pissed!
   "Actually, no he doesn't. He simply has better manners than most adults he sees and he's learning to call people out for their bad manners. Now, should he speak to an adult like that *I'm looking down at him as I say this*, no he should not. However, if an adult steps on a child, the adult owes the child an apology. She didn't even ask if my child was hurt!"
   The cashier checking us out? She gave little man a sticker. Then she told the first cashier, in front of customers, "Next time you see a line, you call for backup, you don't hope it'll appear. Also, you can't spend that much time talking to one customer when the line is growing. It makes people irritable."

   Moral of the story? My little man will call you on your bullshit if you give him reason too! And I couldn't be prouder of him for that!!
 

  Our second stop was at the grocery store. It was a quick trip, that resulted in 3 shopping bags of food, one bag with 2 half gallon cartons of orange juice in it.
   When we were leaving the store, I told little man as we were about to cross the parking lot "Hold my finger" because it was all I had free, between the 3 bags, my clutch wallet and keys. There was an older guy behind us that let a very audible laugh out when I said that. He says "I needed that laugh, thank you!" as if I said it just for his pleasure. I really said it because I don't want little man in a parking lot not holding my hand in some way, but hey, if it made him laugh it was a dual purposed saying!

Evidently, my husband hates me....why else would he force me to pick one?!?!

My hubs and I were watching Dish Nation together. They were discussing the Roast of James Franco, and talking about his hygiene issues. Why women are dropping panties for him I don't get, and I say as much to Hubs, who comes up with this "fun" game:
Hubs: If you had to choose one: James Franco or Robert Pattinson, who would you do?
me: Can I join a convent?
Hubs: No, you have to choose one.
me: Can I kill myself instead?
Hubs: No. You know the rules, you gotta pick one. James Franco or Robert Pattinson?
me: I feel dirty just thinking about this, you know.
Hubs: That's still not choosing one.
me:.....*deep sigh* Robert Pattinson.

My logic is pretty flawless: RP has been in 4 movies with Taylor Lautner, therefore I can easily fantasize about TL while with RP and never once have to actually think about RP. With JF it will require way too much imagination to make him less dirty and I'm not working that hard just because I had to "choose one".

The moral of this post? There isn't one....other than my hubs likes to ruin my sex drive with gross "pick one" options sometimes. And then won't even let me kill myself as an option to get out of making a choice.

Apparently, my cellphone suddenly developed a personality that is similar to that of a born-again-virgin....fucking slut!

  I, like almost every other American over the age of (oh, I don't know....12, 15, 18 for sure) have a strong and serious dependent relationship with my phone. It's nothing fancy, a smart phone, but like the dumbest version I could possibly get. It's like the "Smart Phone for Dummies" of smart phones. But, I love it because we get 3g, wireless, unlimited....blah, blah, blah and it's only $55 a month.

   So, because my phone's kind of a bitch, yep it's totally my phone, it has raging periods of refusing it's charger. It will give a message that says "Unable to charge battery with incompatible charger. Please check user manual."....as I'm using the exact same charger I've been using that came in the motherfucking box with the goddamned phone since day mother-fucking one! I will get this message, like no shit, for a week and then POOF, no more message and the phone is not acting schizo anymore (not to insult Amanda Bynes or anyone else battling with this evil mental illness).

   What's frustrating is: I have no other way to charge my phone when it does this shit! Tonight, the hub's is at work with his phone (same model and same problem but he's had at least 3-4 different chargers since we got the phone last summer) and his charger. So I'm raging pissed, because while my phone is a schizo pms-ing bitch, I'm just a straight up tired fucking bitch who is starting to rolling with the gentle tidal wave that will become PMS.

   Which all led to this:

   
   So I might have issues, but my phone was previously a slut who would get a charge from any compatible dick charger, but now is refusing ALL compatible chargers. I'm starting to get why high school boys were so hostile and angry when their girlfriends suddenly stopped putting out after a pregnancy scare...that her best friend had! It's fucking frustrating! I know you like a good charge, you know I like a good, full battery let's stop with the games and just charge your fucking battery and call it a fucking day!
   Goddamned fucking charge-tease!


**at least spell check has stopped trying to get my to correct my usage of "fuck" and it's variations! It's about damned time, yo!

Down, but not giving up!

   Anyone who has dealt with depression themselves or watched a loved one battle this demon, knows it's a bitch. I've watched family members and friends face-off against this monster most of my life. Some win, with a lot of help, and for some its a losing battle, because they can't/won't ask for help. I, myself, take medications to keep my head straight. It's not depression but it's a mental issue none-the-less, which was affecting me as a mother/wife/friend and person. I needed help and finally realized it was time to get it when I saw fear in my child's eyes as he looked at me. Never again, was the thought I had when I admitted it was time to fix my shit.

   I'm not home. That's not true. I'm home with my husband and son. My family. I'm not home with the family I came from not created, if that makes sense. Without going into a lot of details, my dad is facing some health issues which seem to have sent him into another downward spiral of depression. A family member, who does live just miles from my parents, saw my dad recently and noticed he is not taking care of himself. Rather than stopping to talk to him and ask how he's doing, this family member went about their business, barely pausing to say hello.
   Am I angry? You fucking bet I am! This family member is well aware of the struggles my father has had with depression. But instead of growing up and putting the past behind them, they insist on blanketing themselves in the past, holding on to it like a shield that justifies any and all slights they now do to my parents, out of spite or out of plain indifference, it doesn't matter. At this time, in my family's life, we can't choose where we live, the Navy dictates that for us. I do the best I can, living about 500 miles away, but for fucks sake, I have family that live less than 5 miles away and do nothing!

   Speaking of family. Who the fuck says "I've been depressed before too, but I still washed my ass"?!? An insensitive, self-righteous snot, that's who! I've seen people, I've been people, so depressed that eating, showering, even getting out of bed is a struggle. It's so hard to do. It doesn't need to be belittled and looked down upon by someone else claiming they understand depression and that's not depression! Fuck you! You were lucky, and you didn't sink down as deep as this person is sinking. Try tossing a lifeline of hope instead of judgement and condemnation!

   I don't know if I can help my dad. I don't know if he wants help. But I do know, I'm not judging him. He's got a plateful of shit sitting in front of him to digest and it seems to only get fuller and fuller as days go by.
    I want him to know, he's not alone. I'm not there by his side, but I'm in his heart.

   Sometimes, being a grown up really fucking sucks. Being a grown up far from home, when issues with parents arise, sucks even more. Knowing you're really the only one who wants to fight to save a loved one, but you're not physically there to make a difference....hurts like hell. But I'm not giving up!

Self...shut-up and take the compliment!

   I was sitting outside of Third Eye Comics Saturday morning, waiting for the store to open for a creator signing. I was surrounded by a bunch of other people, just chilling in a chair relaxing for the first time that morning. Squishy had been kind of a pill and I was relieved to be with the Hubs for some support.

A guy with a small dog walks between me and the rest of the group I was sitting with. He stops and looks at me, then takes a few steps and stops again. He says to me "Haven't I seen you on TV?"
Okay, I admit I'm very taken aback by that comment. I chuckle and say "No, I'm sure you haven't but thank you for the compliment". I should have stopped there. But I continue. "Unless it was in a porno, in which case thank you twice for the compliment".

By now, even the Hubs is looking at me with a curious look on his face and asks what in the crap I'm talking about. I explain it to him and he says "Wait, you've got a porn floating around out there?". You'd think he was upset. You'd be wrong. He was curious that I was making porn money and not spreading the wealth! haha

Also, this came one week after I made things awkward when I announced the line was for "free smach'mortions" (rhymes with abortions) Obviously, not everyone gets my sense of humor. Thankfully, my husband does and as long as he and I are still laughing together, I'm good-to-go!

I WILL NOT YIELD!! DC drivers, I'm talking to/about you.

Goddamned DC! There is nothing worse on this side of the fucking planet, than fucking DC streets, with their fucking shitty paving and tunnels to roundabouts and motherfucking drivers that do not know how to fucking merge to save their fucking dying grandmother's life!

First, a tip: To every single, ignorant cuntfuck driver who seems to think they are the ONE person able to actually drive and use their iPhone. You are not! Put the phone down or fucking park, but stop trying to do both. Everyone knows by now it's illegal, but for some reason you're the obvious exception to the rule.

Next: If its raining outside, please stop tailgating!

Followed closely by: If the street you're driving down is congested, stop trying to force your way in. Also, stop blocking side roads and stop trying to beat red lights. The only thing you're doing is adding to the congested traffic. YOU FUCKING MORONS HAVE SOME COMMON FUCKING SENSE!

Also, if you are on the highway, the YIELD sign is directed at the lane of traffic inbound to the highway NOT you. I say this because the car in front me of did not understand this, as was evident by the driver's braking and letting cars in that lane in. We were going 60mph when this donkeycunt punch decided to do this...on wet pavement.
I was tired, I needed some coffee and I was annoyed by the overabundance of asshole drivers surrounding me. So how did I react? I slapped my hands on my steering wheel and yelled "I WILL NOT YIELD!", thankfully my husband is used to my random outbursts and understood I was reaching the end of sanity rope and just let the outburst slide.

Finally, this one almost made me see red. And not just because the vehicle involved was a red truck. This assmunch was trying to switch lanes. Here's a thought, when you can see INTO the car, at the DRIVER of the vehicle in the lane you want to get into, it's not going to happen! The lane switch that is.
Today: I'm in the center lane, red truck in the right lane. Red truck is far enough that I can look over at my passenger window and see the driver, as he is moving INTO my lane! I watch this happen, glance to left lane and see line of traffic no room to move. I honk HARD at the guy moving AT my car, not into my lane, no he's moving AT my car, while we're doing an easy 70mph. This cocksucking assmunch of a fucktard looks over at me and fucking grins! I mean full on "look at me teeth, aren't they cumguzzling white" grin. Then he jerked back into the right lane.
I almost had a fucking heart attack! I don't have many fears when it comes to driving, but getting into a crash on the highway with a fucking psycho and having my son in the car with me? That's pretty high on my short list!

I'm totally convinced that drivers in DC are required to take a test, which tests for common sense. If the person passes that test, they do not get a DC drivers license. Feel free to disagree with me on this one, but until I see one smart and courteous driver in DC with DC plates on their car, I refuse to accept that the "common sense evaluator" is not part of the testing process.

For real phone call that I received

*house phone rings*
me: Yeah? (because I almost never answer with "hello" you called me. also, I open the door for the delivery guys before they knock...freaks them out every time! It's fun that way!)
guy on the line: It's Danny.
me: Huh?
guy on phone: Hey, its Danny.
me: Ummm...who?
guy on phone: Um...it's Danny. Is this operations?
me: Yeah..no. You've totally got the wrong number.
guy on phone: Are you kidding me? It's fucking Danny! I need to speak to operations.
me: Okay. Well, I don't know who you are but you clearly have the wrong number.
guy on phone: *whispers* Forget this call happened.
me: I know EVERYTHING!

The kicker? This is what came up on my caller ID:                                                                                                                          
ATT BCO TSA

Apparently, "Danny", if that is his real name, with TSA has that cheery TSA attitude 24/7, y'all! He comes across as a dick, so I can totally see why his co-workers, assuming that's who he thought he had called, would treat him like a fucking moron as I did. However, after the 2nd or maybe even 3rd "who?" you'd think he'd realize "shit I dialed the wrong number and I'm coming off as kind of an asshole, maybe I'll apologize and just hangup." Not ole Danny boy, he followed his dickish behavior through to the end, complete with a pseudo-ominous closing line.

The only way this would've been a better call is if it would've read NSA instead of TSA..because then you can rest assure my phone line is bugged and those fuckers are getting NOTHING useful from me!

This is why I hate trying to make new friends...

I feel like this would have totally been way better than the email I got.  

A real email I received this evening:
"I'm XXX, and I'm the organizer of the OMG Girlfriends Meetup group. I was looking at the site's records and realized that you had not been to the site or attended a meetup within the last three months. I assume by this that you are no longer interested in being a member of the group. I am therefore removing you from the membership list. You are welcome to rejoin at any time."

Well, fuck! I receive all the email invites about possible meetups, but they're all book clubs (when the Hubs is working), or going out to eat (at seafood places, or doing brunch), or quite a few other non-child friendly planned events. Do I need to give one or two of them a try? Maybe. But let's be real here, I have anxiety about meeting new people and without Nixon to help buffer that anxiety, I'm a fucking mess! 

I shouldn't be upset about this, but in order to even get the email invites, I had to pay a membership fee, which is non-refundable. So there's goes a venti non-fat iced vanilla latte with a chocolate milk for Nixon. 

I shouldn't give a flying fuck, but it took a lot out of me to just join that group to begin with. I feel like the secret message unwritten message at the end of this email is "You are welcome to rejoin at any time.you feel like you can be a contributing member of the group and not some loser who joins and never meets us. Until that time please enjoy your lonely and friendless life, you loser" Of course I realize that wasn't what was written but it may as well have been. It's rejection because I can't conform to what this group's idea of membership is. And yeah, I'm sure there was a clause in the group's "Who we are" description about non-participation but still....for me, in my anxiety and friendless state, I'm feeling very loserish. 

So thanks for the dumping meetup.com. I forgot what it felt like. I now need a drink and an angry hate fuck....oh, yeah it wasn't that kind of break up. 

Let's go old-school revenge for a (hypothetical) moment

   It's kind of funny how my mind works. Sometimes. Other times, it's fucken scary.

   For the most part, I've left the evil and ugly, vindictive side of me in the past. My husband, gods love him, still married me, in spite of having been there for one of my ugliest (and perhaps drunken) vindictive rants. In all fairness, he was not warned to keep my phone away from me. *story time: I as at a to-remained-unnamed military base with my bestie and we had been drinking, a lot. My husband was not my husband at the time, but he was my go-to "I'm drunk and need a place to crash can you come get me?" phone call. He came and got me, and my bestie handed him my phone, but failed to tell him why she had it. She had it because my recent ex-fiance had kept calling me and I was being less than nice to him. (I have 2 ex-fiances. M was my high school to college boyfriend. R was my fiance while I was in basic training to AIT for the Army, I broke up with him after finding out he was a lying cheat. Well, actually they were both lying cheats, he was just a really bad one and I figured it out a lot quicker than I did with M.) So, I got my phone back, R called and I let loose...for over 10 minutes I ranted and raved in a way only a totally drunk, heartless bitch can do: guilt-free! My now-husband? Well, he was driving and occasional said "I'm glad I'm not him."

   Only once have I ever really entertained a revenge plot against M and his current soon-to-be wife. Whom just happens to be my former best friend of 5 something years, before I left New York and almost all of the people I knew behind. They are together and are perfect for each other. But there's a deep, hidden part of me that only once has ever made itself known. This former friend has 2 sons, which I would babysit when we first met, who just turned 18. In the sickest and most twisted part of my fucked up mind, I'd have to be single and not have a child of my own if this were ever to happen, a perfect revenge against them both for the mindfuck they did to me when I first left NY and the months that followed: I'd date one of her now 18-year old sons!

   It's a beautiful kind of fucked in my head! It's the kind of evil that only a really ugly and awful person could see the amazing beauty in.

   Of course, I'm married and I have Squishy and zero desire to do anything to either of my exes. But for one, unguarded moment my thoughts got dark and my brain said "Hey, you know what'd be really, really evil..?" and I followed the train of thought for those 15-45 seconds and then come out from it and realized "Nah". At 34, I might have to put too much effort into it all. Way more than I have to now as a happily married woman!

   Everyone has those secret revenge fantasies. Sure, not everyone admits to them. Even fewer will blog about them. But I'm trying to be a better person than I used to be and in being that better person I have to be in touch with the very worst version of myself. The version that would think going after an innocent 18-year old kid just to hurt his mom and stepdad-to-be would be an acceptable and even good idea. I know I'm not that person anymore, but it's kind of a comfort to know she's still in there, buried deeply as she is, in case someone ever really needs a good mental fuckover!

Old people of the world (or at least those closest to my vicinity), turnabout is fair play!

   Ever notice how every older person wants to give unsolicited advice when they see a baby? I was bombarded by "well meaning"  older folks when I was still baking Squishy in my bellah! Well, the time has come for a little payback. Squishy is talking now and asking all kinds of nosey questions these days and he's taken a particular liking to the elderly and all their nuances (i.e canes, hunches, shuffling walk, gray and balding heads of hair).  I try my best to be mindful and respectful of the elderly, but sometimes I just come to realize Squishy might learn better if he hears answers from someone other than me.

   And sometimes I feel like unleashing his relentless "why?"s on someone else. Call me a bitch but there's only some many times I can explain old age before I give up, shrug and say "I don't know honey, maybe if you ask the nice man politely he can answer that for you." like I did today. Nothing personal, old guy, but you just happened to catch my son's eye what with your shuffling walk, cane and wrinkled hand wrapped around said cane.

   Giving Squishy his props, he walked over, stopped a unimposing distance from this elderly man (something I was not always afforded when being accosted by biddies wanting to see my infant son or trying to rub my expansive belly, evidently the older you get the more personal space of others you are allowed to freely encroach into uninvited) and said "Excuse me, but why do you have that?" and points to the cane. The elderly man replied "It's my cane, I need it to walk." Not satisfied with that answer, Squishy says "Why?" and he's given a slight gruff reply "Well, my legs don't work very well. I'm not as young as I used to be."
   Sensing the guy might be getting a tad annoyed, I say to Squishy "He's celebrated a lot of birthdays and the downside to that is your body doesn't stay as fresh and new as yours is right now." I swear to gods, I tried in vain not to say "old" with him standing not 2 feet away from me! Just give me that, would you, old guy who was no doubt burning holes in the back of my head with his eyes for daring to tell my perfectly innocent son the reality of life that is: our bodies give out as we age! For fuck sake, old guy, you should've been around when I was trying to explain the birdie gang bang he innocently witnessed earlier this spring! I'm tap dancing like a mother-fucker to tell the truth and still not be so honest that I'm the mother who is blamed when the 2nd graders find out the Tooth Fairy isn't real, because my kid asks me the truth and I have the audacity to give it to him! I didn't say you were old, I said you've celebrated a lot of birthdays, which sure to you and I it's the same thing, but to my 4-year old it means you've gotten lots of cake and gifts, and that makes you awesome! So please, accept it and just remember what kids are like?!?!?
    I, of course, say nothing of the internal conversation I'm having at the moment. I thank the gentleman for his time and hurriedly usher Squishy into a different aisle in the opposite direction the elderly gent went.

   Like I said, it's all fair play. Just remember, for every unsolicited encroached moment of time taken from you by a person of an older generation while you were pregnant or with your infants/toddlers/pre-wonderment phased children, you will eventually have the opportunity to repay that moment. Sure, you may have an elderly person who doesn't like little Suzie asking why her hair is light purple (seriously, my grandmother once had light purple hair! I thought it was awesome! She thought it was a tragedy that should never be mentioned...of course that meant every child LOVED it!) and will ignore little Suzie...sorry Suzie it's part of life, not everyone wants to be your friend. Suck it up and move on. Look at the bright side, you've just given her a life lesson! And I'm sure some will be too happy to talk to your little darling, and you'll somehow end up with a new foster-grandparent before you leave the conversation, but think of how lonely that person must have been before you let your child talk to them. It's Karma points in the bank!

    I don't dislike elderly people. I don't dislike kids. I do think when you let them get together and mingle there's some potentially awesome conversations going to happen, and that's okay. Our kids need to spread their wings, and who better to help them fly than the generations who do nothing but bitch and complain about everything already?!?

That's it....common sense IS DEAD!!

   As I was driving on the highway today, with Nix in the car with me, I notice the car in front of me driving out of the lane and onto the shoulder of the road. My first thought was they had some kind of vehicle issues. But that was not the case, as the driver overcompensated from the shoulder and jumped back into the lane of traffic.
   By this point, I put a healthy distance between this car and my own. I usually try to keep 3 car lengths between my car and the car in front of me, for this crazyass I made it more like 6!
  Eventually, the car switched lanes and moved into the lane on my left allowing me to get ahead of *her* (as I later saw) a place I most definitely felt more comfortable being.

   As I was passing her, I glanced over and saw the most painful thing I've witnessed happening. Let me preface this by saying a couple things:
1) Old people should not be allowed to leave the house and drive alone. EVER!
2) I wear glasses for distances but do not need them for reading.
3) I am very, very vigilant about not using my cell phone when driving.

Now what I saw: An elderly woman, holding a touch screen type cellphone, lifting her glasses off her face to see the screen, and not looking at the road at all! Remember, she had moved from the right lane of 3 lanes of traffic to the center lane! I was approaching an off-ramp and thankfully the cars in front of me all got off, because I hit the gas and put 10 car lengths between me and ole-blind-as-a-bat-cellphone-reader-grandma back there!
  Who in their right mind, thinks that lifting their glasses off their face while driving approximately 60-65mph to look at a cell phone screen, is a good idea? Anyone?!? Holy fuck on a stick, I thought the older generations had more common sense than the younger ones, but this crazy old bat proved me wrong!

   I am amazed at the number of people I see on a daily basis driving and talking on their cellphones. It pisses me off to no end, because there are laws against it! How fucking hard is it to pull over, or wait to get out of the parking spot until you're off the phone, or learn how to use the bluetooth option that came in your car (for those cars that have it)? I am almost certain the people who ride my ass, or lock up their brakes coming to a red light do it because they are too busy talking on the fucking cell phone rather than paying attention to what they should be doing....driving!

   My point is: If you can't see things up close with your fucking glasses on, and you are behind the wheel of a moving goddamned car, keep the fucking glasses on, put the goddamned fucking cell phone down and just fucking drive! I, and the other people on the road with you, will thank you for it!
   Seriously, I'm pissed that kind of bullshit even needed to be said, but evidently, it did. Someone's grandma was too fucking dumb to realize this is common-fucking-sense, and she was out driving alone in her silver RAV4, on MD50 EB towards the Bay Bridge today.

..and then my kid witnessed a birdie gang-bang

So the kid and I were walking into the store to grab cat food because we had gotten all the home from the grocery store before I realized I didn't buy any cat food and we were completely out of cat food and I like to not be killed and eaten by hungry bitch cats in my sleep so back out we went, when his eye and ear was caught by the ear-splitting squawking of birds. I look over, in the direction of the noise and where he was pointing, and see 3 sparrows having what can only be described as a birdie-orgy under the shopping carts. 

Nixon says "Mommy that baby bird is being hurt! We need to help it quick!"
me: No baby, she is not hurt. Those birdies are just trying to make baby birds, but they get a little loud (as I keep walking with him and resist the urge to tell him "she might actually be enjoying what she's getting right now, so girls are kinky like that")
Nixon: They have baby birds?!? I want to see the babies!
me: No honey, they are making babies, they don't have them yet.
Nixon: Will they have them when we leave?
me: No Nixon, it takes time for the birds to make the babies. Birds have eggs that they need to lay in nests.
Nixon: But those birds weren't in a nest.
me: (boy, I really stepped in with that one) No baby, they lay the eggs in the nest, they don't make the babies in the nest.
Nixon: Baby birds are made on the ground?
me: Yeah, we'll go with that!
**Thank gods he didn't ask where baby dogs/dinosaurs/people come from...** 

And thank you horny sparrows for having a public gang-bang in the middle of the fucking sidewalk where any curious child can see. I did notice I was the only parent not brushing off the "what's happening?" questions from their child. Honestly, no, it's not the funnest topic in the world to discuss with your child, but it's not exactly earth-shattering either. I managed it and I can't do anything right these days!

I kept it simple, no lies that I'd have to remember next time, and no graphic details. He was satisfied and I answered his questions. Seriously, how hard is it to be honest with our children about sex?? Isn't that how they got here? Are there seriously parents out there who believe if they don't ever talk to their kids about sex their kids just won't do it?? Because I'm living proof that does not work! I'm almost *cough* 30-something years old and my parents never had the talk with me. No wait, that's not true. My dad thought I was having sex with my boyfriend and he told me "If you are stop! It is not fun until you're married" *for the record I had just as much fun having sex before I was married as I do now that I am married. I just actually like to sleep snuggled in my husband's arms now, which I never wanted to do in most cases with the guys I slept with before* 

My point is, the earlier you discuss sex the easier and less awkward is it. Plus, you kid kind of trusts you to tell him/her the truth. Like I can tell Nix to wear a condom because it'll protect him from diseases plus protect the girl/guy he is with and I won't come off sounding all preachy, I hope. 

But if you never take these small and admittedly odd but nature-given opportunities to discuss things you're missing chances. I mean, outside of porn, when else are you going to get a chance to see a gang-bang with your child and not scar them for life?!?! A porn will probably scar Nix if I showed it to him at age 4...and even I know that's a bad parenting decision! 

My husband...the party pooper.

   Apparently my husband has no sense of humor when it comes to family bonding that may or may not involve a possible crime. It's not like a murder pact or anything like that, I was simple hypothetically, suggesting a drunk accident befalling someone.

   All of a sudden my husband is all "I can't have you planning a felony" and "you can't even joke about that" and "what about our son? what happens to him if you're in jail?" like he actually thinks I'd get caught! Where's the faith, the love and the commitment?!

  Geesh! That's the last time I tell him anything before I call him from jail!

 Almost 5 years of marriage and this is the thanks I get? I wasn't even asking him to participate in anything! Well...I guess I know who I'm NOT calling if I need to suddenly bury a body. Nice to know who you can really and truly count on in this world.

  Next time, I'm adding "and we'll always help each other get rid of the body of evidence" in my wedding vows. If he can't say that, then we're just not meant for each other afterall.

*the previous has been written under a medicated state and should not be taken seriously by anyone without a sense of humor. however, if you have a sense of humor and you read this, please laugh and tell my husband it's a joke! To my husband: I should not be awake still and this blog post proves why the voices in my head make for bad company when left unsupervised*

Pruning the family tree

   Well, it seems like the time has come to do some spring cleaning. But it's winter, you might be saying to yourself. And you would be correct, but I'm finding myself ass-deep in the winter blues so what better way to cheer myself up than some soul searching spring cleaning?

   This isn't just any ordinary spring cleaning, this is literally, cutting some dead weight off the ole family tree. See, I've got some real "winners" in my family and only recently have I been truly exposed to their true colors and I'm realizing I don't need that kind of ugliness in my life. What's better is, if I don't contact them I don't hear from them 95% of the time. It's like there's a force field around my hometown that prevents people who live inside of it from remembering about the people on the outside of it. And I've finally reached my breaking point. I can't and I won't be a "when it's convenient" only family member anymore. I know I'm not perfect about calling people, but dammit  if I was in the hospital or Nixon was in the hospital, I'd fucking call people! And I wouldn't try to keep a secret for 6 goddamned years and then get pissed and tell more lies when the truth came out! I don't tell lies that affect the whole family!

   Sure, everyone tells lies. I've had this same discussion with my 4-year old. Everyone lies: there are big lies, little lies and all kinds of lies in between. It takes a strong person, a person with integrity, to admit the truth when confronted and caught in a lie. Evidently integrity is not a strong suit in my gene pool. I'm changing that with Nixon.

  To me I'd rather spend my time with family who love and value me and my family. Not feel entitled to my time and visits from us. Entitlement is a serious epidemic in this country and I refuse to feed it! I have many friends and family who I keep in touch with through facebook, Skype and email because there are so many miles between us. Is it a perfect solution? NO, by no means no, but the efforts are being made and all parties appreciate the efforts being made. Telling me your life is "too busy to deal with this" when "this" is a family member who is not trouble is disgusting! To sweep something under the rug because it's not happy or nice, is how certain family members have become the way they are *cough, pothead,cough*. But what do I know? I'm just a troublemaker/problem who lives miles away.

   And the lies told haven't just hurt me, they've hurt other family members and friends as well. I'll openly admit, I am not perfect. I'm flawed, I've told my share of lies but I have never told a lie that led to a family member's depression. I've ruined my own mental health by my own actions and I've said harmful things to family members, but my child is not a pawn I use to hurt people!

   The saddest part of all of this is, when the whole situation first came to light and I confronted my family, I was told to give it time for "prayers". After these "prayers" the decision was to "leave things as they are and let it go". In other words, "god" doesn't care enough to let the truth come out. And certain family members wonder why I find no comfort in prayer or their faith....

Stop calling me!!

  Evidently the person who had our home number before us was named Veronica. She owes money to a couple utility companies, is either attending or interested in attending DeVry University and has not updated her contact information. How do I know this?
   Because every day, for the last 2 weeks, I've gotten 3-10 calls a day for this person. Some of the callers are nice and apologize. One person, because obviously if a female voice answers the phone I must be the person just lying about my identity, was exceptionally rude.
   The first couple days I was tolerant. The next few days, less so. When I was able to recognize voices as people I've spoken to before, thus having already told them Veronica is unreachable at this number since it had been reassigned as of June 2012, I started to get pissy.


One pissy conversation went like this:
me: Hello?
caller: Is Veronica X there?
me: No, I'm sorry this number was reassigned as of June 2012.
caller: Oh, well it's vitally important that I reach her, might you have forwarding information?
me: Are you serious right now? The number was reassigned, it's not like she was a friend of mine who moved away, I don't know the person who people have been calling for every day for the last two weeks.
caller: Oh, well who am I speaking with?
me: Oh annoyed person with no life, evidently.
caller: Well I have good news for you, this call is for you.
me: No, it's not. The call is for Veronica and she's no longer here. That does not mean you get to try to short straw me into what ever you were going to sell her.
caller: But ma'am this is a special offer for your household only.
me: I'm beginning to understand why Veronica didn't want this number anymore....*calls off into the distance* what's that? the house is on fire? well let it burn down, might be the only way I get this crazy bitch off the phone. *speaks back into the phone* Oh, are you still talking?
caller: If you're busy I'll call back at a better time.
me: Please, I'm asking politely, do not ever call this number again. It's already registered on the Do Not Call list, but you've gotten around that, so I'm telling you: Do Not Call. I'll have a whistle next time.
Caller: Oh but one more minute please...
me: no *hang up*

Mac says just hang up, and while that seems the most straightforward way to deal with this, I prefer to have a little fun with this assholes. I have caller id, I know how many times a week numbers are calling me. While one person may have only called me once, the number called me 7 times in 5 days. You have your forms of entertainment, I have mine.

Social media...making all the tough decisions for you, 1 million "likes" at a time

  Fuck me...facebook has once again become the very bane of my existence and making me question just how stupid humanity really is becoming. If you've managed to miss this latest (lamest) craze on the face, count your blessings, and if it wouldn't be too much of a bother, would you mind forwarding me the address of the rock you have been living under, I'm in the market for a new home.

This was the first one I saw. I'm kind of lame, apparently, because I did not "like" the photo or get all "awww....how cute, he's making them work for the puppy" because really....that's not work. The mom (or dad) took the photo, maybe one of the older kids uploaded the picture and then facebook did it's fucking magic and "whaa laa" 1 million likes. You know what really would have impressed me. These kids earning money and going to an animal shelter and finding a dog the needed a family to love it. Not panhandling for "likes" on facebook, thus relieving dad from making a parental decision.
Look, "DAD", if you don't want your kinds to have a puppy, say "no". If you think they need to earn it, come up with something a little more challenging than a sign with some cute kids begging for a cute puppy. That's just setting yourself up for failure in the no-puppy department.

I've seen this one, but not nearly as often as I've seen that "dumb dad, kids want puppy" one. THIS one, I did like. Why? Because it has a real message, with a real purpose. It's a short, sweet, meaningful message. If you see it...."like" it for its simplicity.

Okay, this picture makes me sick. It makes me want to slap the fucking smile off this fucking punkass kid's face and shake this pretty little girl until her brain finds the hole it belongs in and the lights go on in her head! WHERE ARE THEIR FUCKING PARENTS?!?!?! How in the hell could anyone, who is not a horned-up, fucking sicko, even think of  liking, this picture??
Child, little blond girl, sex is not something you give up because a boy makes a sign and puts it on facebook for people to vote on. This is your sex life, not a goddamned high school winter dance vote. You clearly are not into this, either that or you just were so high/drunk at the moment this photo was taken you didn't realize what was going on. You are totally unimpressed with what is being proposed here. Seriously, do not let total strangers on the Internet have a say in your life, especially not your sex life.
And to the boy....you ought to be ashamed of yourself! You shouldn't need a million likes to get a girl to have sex with you. That's a red flag that she is just not ready (or willing) to have sex with you. Focus on some other girl who wants to be with you, freely and willing will have sex with you. Not because 1 million people "like" something on social media. In my eyes, that's a fine line between no and rape.
As for your parents: monitor your children's facebook pages! These children are clearly not ready for real life. They need supervision...I mean, for fuck sake, look what they've come up with, left to their own devices! If I saw my son and his friend had posted something like this, he would have NO computer to find out if he reached 1 million "like" or not.

Really?? This is just dumb. A wife leaves it up to social media if her husband can take a trip to England (I think that's right) This is an issue a couple needs to sit down and discuss rationally, not take a photo and let click-happy morons decide.

Bloody hell....I bet they also post a photo about when they should have a child, if they should have a child, what to name their child. If you want to go, just fucking go! If your wife gets mad, she'll change the locks while you are gone, sleep with your best friend and burn your clothes. Either way, you still got to see whatever the fuck Bradford City is...1 million likes or not.

Clearly, this guy has a smart wife. (no, this is not MY husband!) He's got my "like" and I feel this is a direct response to the photo I posted directly above this one.

Look, social media is the devil. Ecards are hilarious, memes can make you piss your pants or want to slap someone, grumpy cat is my new obsession but I have never really understood this "1 million like" bullshit. Honestly, it's the laziest thing ever. I mean, even grumpy cat was born looking grumpy! These "1 million like" assholes are letting other people do the heavy lifting to get their way. I feel anyone will eventually get a million likes, even if they are all pity likes. And who wants to get a home run out of pity. Pity sex is the WORST sex, everyone knows that. Ever toss someone a bone because they just lost a close friend or relative? Neither of you really want the sex, but you do it because you're there chances are one or both of you are really drunk and it's never good sex. Guy with the sign for sex....this is the sex you will be getting: pity sex. She will lie there and you will just be in a hole. Go buy a pie and warm it up, seriously it'll be just about the same feeling and emotional response. 

For the love of Gracey May, why am I encouraging the sexual assault of bakery items?!?! Why, because it'll save that poor little girl's self-respect at the end of the day. Maybe. It might be too late for that. If not, I suggest a nice pumpkin pie, no cherry or apple. Think outside the box...no really, remember to take it out of the box first.

These are words to live by. My son is so lucky he's got me to help him through life, isn't he?!? No pity sex for him! Straight to the nearest bakery we go! 

I just want to lose weight!!

fuck you number on a scale! You don't KNOW me!!

 

   There's nothing more annoying in the world, than the world around you when you're struggling to drop some extra pounds. I was doing really great, down over 10 pounds, until the holidays hit. I don't know what it is, every single time, December hits and I'm like "fuck it, I'll try harder in January" not realizing I'm just making the whole thing harder with my don't-give-a-damn attitude. And I was doing really great for most of December. It's the week of Christmas and New Year's that fucked me over this year. New Years Eve saw me drinking a bottle of wine, alone. Yep, hello empty calories!

   Even more frustrating than my weight battles is the fact that the Hubs seems to lose weight twice as fast as I do. Thanks a lot asshole! I'm trying my hardest to be happy and supportive but damned if I don't get pissy now and then!

   I'm trying to eat much more fruits and veggies, but the problem with that is I fill up on them and then I'm way under my calorie intake goal. *sigh* That's when I usually have a small bowl of ice cream and call it a day! In my defense, it's fat free ice cream and I only have the recommended serving!

   It's super hard to lose weight in the winter. Well, not super hard, but it's not like I can go outside for a  run. The exercise part is what's hardest. I can do calisthenics in the house, after Nixon goes to bed, but it's a battle to force myself to do it. Of course it's only been a week, but crap-on-a-stick I hate this. I have a realistic goal. It's not like I want to lose 60 pounds in 3 months, but it's not a little goal either.

   Fuck, why can't I have the metabolism I had when I was in my 20's? Sure, I was sickeningly skinny back then and I still saw myself as fat, but now, a decade later I appreciate that over-achieving metabolism!

   Speaking of warped self-image....I realize I'm not fat, but my thighs and ass always get the best of me. I'm short and pear-shaped. The majority of my weight is in my ass and thighs, which takes a lot of work to lose inches from. All my fat is stored in those body parts and I know my weaknesses I just have to figure out my strengths and make it work for me!

   Shit! I hate my scale, my genetics and my stupid "I'll work on it in January" philosophy.

I wrote this about my scale today:  Once a week weigh-in makes the scale less of my enemy and more a bad boyfriend. You know you have to see him, but you can't spend too much time with him!

Lawyers, money-hungry society and ungrateful parents

What is...a post about the Sandy Hook tragedy, Alex?

That is correct.

I've got an angry post about this *now dropped, temporarily* lawsuit against the state of Connecticut on behalf of one 6-year old survivor. According to the lawyer, who I refuse to name because I find him disgusting and the very epitome of ambulance-chasing-lawyer-scum, this tragedy "was a foreseeable event and officials failed to prevent it". 

Foreseeable?!?! Is this guy fucking kidding me? Who, in the name of science, god, allah or any other deity ever possibly imagined this would happen? 

Those fucking parents, who sought out this slime, have a child to hold and comfort. There are 20 families in that community who no longer do. I'm sure those parents would gratefully take mental anguish and nightmares over what they're living with. 

And, $100 million for one child?? That's what really set me off! Sue for her therapy costs and call it a day, if you are really concerned about her mental health. Don't insult the victims families by asking for an unreal amount of money because your child survived! Start a survivors group, do group sessions,  create a walk to raise money for victims groups....anything constructive and helpful. Suing the state because some pycho-asshole got a hair up his ass to lose his fucking mind and take multiple lives in the process thus granting his entry into the most horrific depths of hell or another likewise evil place, yeah now that makes sense....in a totally assbackwards, fucked-six-ways-to-Sunday kind of way. 

Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again, I cannot imagine what any of these families are going through. But the reality is: money won't fix this. Lawsuits won't change the past. And teaching children that getting money for "pain and suffering" doesn't teach them to be resilient and strong and stand tall. There's not one person, that I know, who thinks throwing money around fixes real issues. I had a super shitty childhood, and if I really thought of it, I may have had a case against adults who turned a blind eye to me when I asked for help. But what would have I gained? Some money, a little satisfaction from the people who were forced to pay up...and? Not much else. I'd still have to face my past and deal with it. 
Money is not a band aid. Frivolous (stupid) lawsuits are a problem in our society. So many scum-of-the-earth lawyers out there, think one big lawsuit makes them heroes. But it doesn't, it makes them shitty human beings capitalizing on the suffering of other people.  

The only person responsible and who should be held responsible for what happened to those children, survivors and deceased, is that monster who won't get named in this post. But since he took the pussy way out and killed himself, those families are left with no one to get answers from. But suing the state won't change that. Instead, it makes you (the parents of that little girl) look greed and, well, you look like an asshole. When you should be holding your child and thanking the stars above that she's in your arms, you seek out a lawyer to sue for a totally unrealistic amount of money! Fuck you people! No, really, FUCK YOU! 

That's all I have. I'm relieved the lawsuit was dropped and I hope that little girl, and all the children who survived this tragedy, get the help she needs. I hope her parents learn to support and guide her instead of look for people to point fingers at and lay blame. 

I still hate humanity, but its fun making people smile in the process

Not once, but twice today I found myself shaking my head at the stupidity of others. Thankfully, their stupidity was not directed towards me (I know, I was shocked too!), so it was quite easy for me to giggle quietly to myself and make a little joke, or two.

  The first was at a craft store, which may or may not be the same as a common male first name. The woman ahead of me in line wanted a refund on ribbon she "bought" a week ago. But she had no receipt, she took it out of her jacket pocket and she would not accept store credit. It was less than $5 and she was moving to Virginia, where she insisted there was not a chain of these stores. The "kid" cashier explained he couldn't do what she was asking, he could offer store credit only, there were (enter store name here) in Virginia and offered to call a manager if she'd like but she'd have to step aside so he could take care of the other customers while she waited for the manager to come up and resolve the issue. At this point, the lady re-pocketed the ribbon and stormed out of the store, leaving the cashier a little confused as to what the bloody hell just happened.
  Since he started the refund transaction, prior to realizing the woman was a batshit crazy nut, he had to call his manager to override it so he could continue with mine. Not a big deal, right? I mean, the kid was only doing his job and following store procedure.
    Not according to his "peach" (its slang for cunt bitch) of a manager. She comes barreling around the corner, raging that it better be important because her office isn't locked up, her purse is exposed because of the stupid auditor from last week and "what do you want now?". The cashier explains and she scribbles something then turns away. I tell her "He was seriously, just doing his job." She rolls her eyes at me and storms away. At this point I feel really bad for this kid, who is flaming bright red. So I tell him:
   "It's okay, later on slip her a Midol, tell her it's a tic-tac and you're life will be much easier". Not only does the kid laugh, the lady standing behind us cracks a giggle!
Honestly, if your going to be a bitch, be a bitch in your office!


   I picked up the most awesome (in photos at least) artificial tree ever today!
It's a 6.5ft, pre-lit, black tree! Yep, you read correctly, BLACK, tree!

While waiting in line to get the item I had this conversation:
me (to sales associate): I'm so glad your store had it. We had ordered it at another store but the order was canceled because there were none in stock and they are sold out online.
sales associate: oh-no, we have plenty in stock here!
me: I can't believe no one wants a black tree!
lady in line behind me: A black....christmas tree?? Is that right?
me: Yeah! A black tree. It's like a white one, but it's black!
a 2nd sales associate: "it's like a white one, but it's black" I have to tell my husband that one tonight! (I should mention the 1st associate is a whitey like me and ole nosy ass behind me and 2nd associate is of the non-whitey persuasion)
lady behind me: That just seems wrong. A black christmas tree.
me: More black tree for me! Thanks! *as I depart with my box o' black tree*

So happy holidays....you might be racist if you think a black artificial tree is "wrong"! I think it's awesome!!