Sunday, June 16, 2013

Let's go old-school revenge for a (hypothetical) moment

   It's kind of funny how my mind works. Sometimes. Other times, it's fucken scary.

   For the most part, I've left the evil and ugly, vindictive side of me in the past. My husband, gods love him, still married me, in spite of having been there for one of my ugliest (and perhaps drunken) vindictive rants. In all fairness, he was not warned to keep my phone away from me. *story time: I as at a to-remained-unnamed military base with my bestie and we had been drinking, a lot. My husband was not my husband at the time, but he was my go-to "I'm drunk and need a place to crash can you come get me?" phone call. He came and got me, and my bestie handed him my phone, but failed to tell him why she had it. She had it because my recent ex-fiance had kept calling me and I was being less than nice to him. (I have 2 ex-fiances. M was my high school to college boyfriend. R was my fiance while I was in basic training to AIT for the Army, I broke up with him after finding out he was a lying cheat. Well, actually they were both lying cheats, he was just a really bad one and I figured it out a lot quicker than I did with M.) So, I got my phone back, R called and I let loose...for over 10 minutes I ranted and raved in a way only a totally drunk, heartless bitch can do: guilt-free! My now-husband? Well, he was driving and occasional said "I'm glad I'm not him."

   Only once have I ever really entertained a revenge plot against M and his current soon-to-be wife. Whom just happens to be my former best friend of 5 something years, before I left New York and almost all of the people I knew behind. They are together and are perfect for each other. But there's a deep, hidden part of me that only once has ever made itself known. This former friend has 2 sons, which I would babysit when we first met, who just turned 18. In the sickest and most twisted part of my fucked up mind, I'd have to be single and not have a child of my own if this were ever to happen, a perfect revenge against them both for the mindfuck they did to me when I first left NY and the months that followed: I'd date one of her now 18-year old sons!

   It's a beautiful kind of fucked in my head! It's the kind of evil that only a really ugly and awful person could see the amazing beauty in.

   Of course, I'm married and I have Squishy and zero desire to do anything to either of my exes. But for one, unguarded moment my thoughts got dark and my brain said "Hey, you know what'd be really, really evil..?" and I followed the train of thought for those 15-45 seconds and then come out from it and realized "Nah". At 34, I might have to put too much effort into it all. Way more than I have to now as a happily married woman!

   Everyone has those secret revenge fantasies. Sure, not everyone admits to them. Even fewer will blog about them. But I'm trying to be a better person than I used to be and in being that better person I have to be in touch with the very worst version of myself. The version that would think going after an innocent 18-year old kid just to hurt his mom and stepdad-to-be would be an acceptable and even good idea. I know I'm not that person anymore, but it's kind of a comfort to know she's still in there, buried deeply as she is, in case someone ever really needs a good mental fuckover!

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