Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Snarky Bitch vs that evil bastard: my scale

    I've put on a bit of weight. I'm struggling with the exact number, I hadn't stepped on a scale in over 4 months to avoid adding to my anxiety.

    I've struggled with weight for decades! Not years, decades, I've hated food. I mean, I love food but sadly I don't always love the best foods. Which leads to more body image issues. It's an evil cycle I can't seem to get control over.

    I'm beyond grateful that I'm not trying to raise a daughter. I do my best to hide my issues from Nixon, but I know girls catch on to things like body image/weight importance and shit like that at a young age and when you never think they're looking. I'd hate to damage my daughter with my own issues, even unintentionally.

    I can't even tell you where I went wrong this time. I was doing great, I'd lost a fair amount of weight in about 8 months. Slow and steady with a healthy diet. Then comes September and all my convictions were lost. Then winter came, and I just gave up altogether.

   I know my clothes don't fit the same as they did a few months ago.
   I know it's my fault.
   I know I can change this.
   I just need to get my head straight and force myself to do this shit and get it done right.

   Most of all, I need to stop letting numbers tell me if I'm happy and secure or not. I know I'm not happy now, but 6-9 months ago I was in a good place and still didn't feel good about myself.

    Ahhhhh...I'm so fucked up in the head when it comes to my weight. Thankfully, GS is awesome and knows exactly what to say and do to make me feel loved and beautiful. It's not that I expect him too, but it's nice that he cares enough to make me feel better and know that my weight issues do not effect him or his feelings for me.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Snarky Bitch vs a crankier, bitchier Snarky Bitch

 For the women that read this blog, I hope none of you have ever been where I am right now!

 My PMS started with boobs the size of melons, so sore to the touch that I cringe every time I put them in a bra. Add that to the fact that walking made them sore because they are much heavier than normal. That started 2 weeks ago. Then I started getting my migraines again, lovely right??, and my acid reflux began to rear its godawful head again. I spent 3 nights sleeping sitting up because I was choking on the acid in the back of my throat!

I was just being able to handle all that, when I woke up this morning in a foul and awful mood! I woke up wanting to hit or throw something.
The family and I had a couple errands to run and that was when I really got bad! Driving made me super annoyed/angry and I failed to keep my cursing to myself. I dropped a few "fuck"s and more than one "fucktard", and topped it all off by throwing up a middle finger because some goddamned douchecaneo was too self-important to choose the right lane of traffic to turn into then decided to force his way into the lane I was waiting in, the proper lane he wanted to be in but decided to try to skip the wait and be a giant dick! I mean, sure at least he used a turn signal, but he arrive to the stop light in the straight or right turn only lane, with his left turn signal on....he arrived with intentions to be an asshole....if that doesn't warrant a middle finger and a few "FUCK"s, I don't know what does.
Unfortunately, UH was in the car and I was driving less than flawlessly. GS decided to tell me after our next stop, I "could ride in the back with UH and watch some Bob's Burger with him". In other words, I was being sent to behave.

We came home and I was sent to my room, with computer at least, to be alone and relax. I'm so pissy and cranky I'm worried I might anger myself and have a brawl...with myself. I'm not sure who'd win that fight, we're both pretty vicious bitches right now.

Friday, February 28, 2014

Snarky Bitch takes on annoying tv commercials

   Have you watched these commercials? My son thinks they are hilarious, but only when the adults are shown doing the actions the kids suggest.
   Me? I think they are dumb as fuck and annoying. Every single time I see one of these commercials I get pissed off and start yelling "Oh HELL fucking no would that shit fly with me!". Why, you ask? It's simple, unless these children have bought this box of halos with their own money, it is not "okay" for them to tell their parent(s) they aren't allowed to eat one.
   When did it become accepted for kids to tell adults what to do?!? I sure as hell did not get to do this kind of shit when I was a child and I'll be damned if my son will EVER do this shit to me!
    And why are these parents ASKING their kid if it's "okay"?? If you want a goddamned orange, eat a fucking orange!

   The point? Those commercials suck!
And they aren't the only ones....

   I'm sure I haven't mentioned this, but UH is an only child....BY CHOICE! *gasp!* So that means, for all intent and purpose, I am a lifetime member of the "First Kid" Club. Every stage he's going through is a first for me, but that doesn't mean I'm the type of mom being portrayed in these commercials.
   First, I never drove around at night hoping for my child to fall asleep in the car. By the time he was 6 weeks old, he was already sleeping in his crib falling asleep on his own!
    Second, I never woke up in a panic checking for diaper leaks. Know why?! I was fucking asleep!! If he needed something, he'd cry and let me know.
   Finally, what is wrong with reading age-appropriate books to your child? The last thing I want to read to my son is the latest exploits or fashion mishaps of the Kar-trash-ian clan!

    These commercials just add fuel to the "mommy wars" fire. Trust me, as a mom with one (awesome) kid and zero plans of having any more kids, there's plenty of fuel already there. It's the dumbest thing, these commercials and the idea of one mom being better than another, to compete when raising kids. One kid or 19 kids, any person raising a child is a parent. And NO ONE is an expert when it comes to child-rearing. Everyone makes mistakes and just because you've had more children doesn't classify you as an expert.

   So LUVS....please keep your "mommy wars" narrow minded bullshit off the airwaves! I've got one child and I'm an expert on raising him as best as I can!

   Before I end this post. I want to put my favorite commercial here:
   This is HILARIOUS!! Maybe more so because I'm raising a boy, but this make me laugh (or sing-a-long) every time.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Snarky Bitch vs my logic and math-impaired son

"You never find me something to watch!" whines the former uterus hostage. Now please bear with me, we just spent 2 hours watching mind numbingly annoying kid-friendly shows, but I NEVER find anything for him to watch.
"Are you kidding me?!", was my awesome comeback for him.
Let the tears of righteous indignation begin to flow! "No! I am not kidding you. You never find me something to watch! NEVER!" as his bottom lip is trembling and tears are flowing down his face. Is that snot I see??
I sigh, lift up my left hand and begin the math portion of this conversation.
*lifting one finger* "Who just wanted to watch America's Funniest Videos?" I ask UH.
Still crying he says "Me".
*onto the next finger, 2 are held up now* "And who likes Dora?"
Again, still crying, wiping his nose on his sleeve, "Me".
*holding up 3 fingers now* "What about LaLaLoopsie? Who likes that?"
More tears, but a smile as well, "I do!"
*the 4th and final finger on my left hand is now up* "And what about TUFF Puppy? Who do we know that likes that show?"
The tears are slowing down, but the snot...it is a-flowing, "I do".
*Moving to my right hand now, I hold up one finger* "This is how many shows I like and got to watch. So again, I never find something for you to watch? Still believe that?"
This incredible kid of mine, starts crying full-on again and says to me "Because you never let me watch anything when I ask to!"
I'll admit it, I lost my mom cool for a moment and said "Are you kidding me?!? You watched 4 shows tonight, I watched 1! One show, UH! Look at my hands! There are 4 fingers of shows you wanted, and got to, watch but only 1 show for me!" *at this point I pause and ask him which hand had more fingers, he chose the left hand with the 4 fingers showing*
He says to me "Uh-huh, and you won't let me watch another show, so you NEVER find me something to watch", and cue the tears, snot and quivering bottom lip.
I sigh at him, go to the kitchen, grab a drink return to the living room, turn off the TV and let him know it's bath time before asking him to put away his toys for the night.

I mean, for fucking real! This kid knows math! He told me the right hand had fewer fingers up than the left, but in his mind, I never let him watch anything because the second he asked me to find him something to watch I didn't jump like lightening struck me and give in to his demands! What a total bitch his mom is!
I'm pretty sure he's going to have a full-on TV blackout for a couple days. This is beyond selfishness and I'm over it!

Snarky Bitch Mom, out!

Monday, February 3, 2014

Snarky Bitch vs. late night phone call and unnamed caller's intimate voicemail

   Saturday night. Geek Sailor (GS) is working the overnight shift this weekend and UH (uterus hostage) had gone to bed a little later than usual, because it's the weekend. I got comfortable on the sofa and started watching the shows I had recorded during the week.
    I don't normally flip a switch and start getting paranoid, especially when it comes to my marriage. We're very honest and have an unbelievable level of trust, given we've been burned by past lovers. Well, I know I have been burned for sure.

    Which is why, when the phone rang a little after midnight, I assumed it was GS calling even though he's much more likely to text or Voxer me. I didn't reach the house phone in time. Because I had to run upstairs and the phone ringer was set low so I didn't hear it right away. When I did reach it, there was a new voicemail waiting.
    Before checking the voicemail, I looked at the caller ID. I didn't know the name or number that had called. I dialed the house number and checked the voicemail:
   "Hi. It's me. It's late, but I'm still up. I didn't know which number to call. Call my room number if you're awake. Love ya"

    Did I mention it was a woman's voice?!? No. Yeah, it was a woman's voice.

    I immediately started messaging GS to find out what the mother-fuck was going on! Who the hell was this chick calling my HOME number, not giving a name and saying "Love ya"?!?!
    I under 3 minutes I had myself convinced my entire marriage was going to blow up.

    Then GS called me, after he read the message I sent him with the voicemail and phone number. Any man who is having an affair wouldn't blindly let his known-to-be-crazy-and-vindictive wife call an unfamiliar phone number when the caller left a message ending with "love ya".
     But that's exactly what GS was okay with me doing. I called the number from the home phone again, got voicemail and hung up. Why should I leave a message?
    The woman called me back, less than 5 minutes later.
me: Yeah?
Random caller: Uh....
me: Hello?
RC: Hi. I'm sorry, I just saw you called me.
me: Uh, yeah....I don't know who you're trying to call.
RC: Oh! You're not Karen?
me: No.
RC: Is this Karen's number?
me: Uh...no.
RC: Oh! I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I called so late. I've got the wrong number.
me: Ya think?!

   Now, GS was impressed because I didn't go off on this woman and tell her she nearly ruined our marriage with her inability to listen to a mailbox message before leaving a message like that. Our outgoing message HAD both our names plus last names in it. Well, had. Because as off last night, I changed it to be a very clear and contrite message with just our family's last name.

   I guess, if he gave me reason too, I could assume the worst. Instead, we're joking about how the phone call was for me since she was clearly a lesbian looking for a hookup! HA HA
   That's how our marriage works. In the span of  20 minutes, I went from pissed, convinced my marriage was over to joking about my lesbian lover calling the house phone and leaving me a love message.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Snarky Bitch vs my husband's refusal to accept my explanation for unicorns existance

* This all came about because UH was watching Octonauts this afternoon. Well, that and my mind is kind of awesome!*

me: Narwhals are real, right? So why can't unicorns be real too?
GS (my long-suffering husband, who is very use to my random rants): Because we've seen narwhals in real life but never unicorns. Unicorns aren't real, or we'd have found proof of them by now.
me: But there is proof. They're called horses. Narwhals and unicorns have the same horns, just unicorns are better at hiding.
GS: No. Unicorns are not real. Horses are horses, not unicorns.
me: Wrong! All horses are born unicorns but lose their horn as soon as a human sees it.
GS: *sighs* No, that doesn't even make sense.
me: Why not? It makes sense to me.
GS: Because that would require magic and there's no such thing as magic.
me: I can't believe you are destroying my belief in unicorns over MAGIC!
GS: Yeah, that you can't believe.

   I'm totally right. Unicorns are real, and they're really good at hiding. To be fair, I also believe in fairies, magic and love. I think love is a stronger magic than any other kind, but if you ask GS he'll snort and tskk at you over that claim.

Friday, January 17, 2014

Snarky Bitch and the suspicious phishing phone call from "Microsoft"

    A couple days ago our phone rang, yes Geek Sailor (GS) and I still have a "land line" mostly because we don't want to give out our cell numbers all the time and it's part of our cable/Internet package, caller id showed "TEXAS" and a number.
    I picked up and the rest went something like this:

me: Hello?
caller: Hello, this is Kevin from Microsoft, I'm calling because our records show your computer is being attacked. Let me walk you through the steps to prevent this attack from becoming more serious.
me: Huh? I'm sorry, you're with who? And what is this about my computer?
"Kevin" (who sounded like Raj's dad from The Big Bang Theory): Yes ma'am, I'm with Microsoft and your computer is being threatened. Now I need you to log on and I'll guide you to a screen so you can see I am not lying to you. But we must hurry before it is too late.
*Seriously, it was as if he felt the fast he talked the more I would believe him*
me: Okay, who are you trying to reach? Which computer of mine is being threatened?
"Kevin": I can only confirm the phone number I contacted. It's a privacy violation to give you a name. But, if you follow my instructions you'll see I am telling the truth when I can give you your computer's identifying code as you see it on your computer screen. Now, have you logged into your computer yet?
me: Uh....no. So wait, you can call me, and say my computer is being threatened but you can't tell me the customer's name you're trying to reach?
"Kevin": Ma'am, are you not concerned about your computer's privacy safety?
me: I'm just a little confused. I haven't had my coffee yet and none of this is making any sense.
GS *sitting right next to me on the sofa*: Just hang up!
me: *"Kevin" is still yammering in my ear* Can you make sense of what he's saying? (as I hand GS the phone)
GS:  Yeah, I can figure this out.....*presses the end call button* there. It's solved.
me: Oh goodie. I'm pretty sure it was a phishing call, but my lack of coffee makes everything seem confusing and suspicious.

Less than 45 seconds later the phone rings again, GS looks at the caller id, answers it, then hangs up again.
me: And.....?
GS: "Kevin" again.
me: Our computers will never be safe again *shaking my head*
GS: Yeah, I'm sure that call was totally legit *rolls his eyes*

I ran my antivirus/malware after the call. I did a full scan and a few other things. My computer's safe....unless you count the "Now That's What I Call Christmas Music" and some 90's music on my hard drive, but that's just awesomeness!