This is why my husband and I don't role play...

Hubs: Babe, can you call my phone? I can't find it.
me: For real?
Hubs: Yes. Please. It's on vibrate.
me: *mostly to myself* of course it is.....
(calls his cell)
*faint buzz*
Hubs: Do you hear that? *he's bouncing around the kitchen and living room like a puppy on meth* (I'm guessing what a puppy on meth would look like because I'm not cruel enough to actually put a puppy on meth and compare it to what my husband looked like while chasing the faint buzzing sound of his misplaced cell phone.)
me: It went to voicemail, should I call it again?
Hubs: Yes, please!
me: Calling it
*part two of puppy on meth, but this time I lowered the volume on my phone and listened for the buzzing for real. I heard nothing. Guess it might help if I get off the sofa at this point, if I want a house that is in one piece*
me: I'm going to call it again, and help now.
*Now I'm in the kitchen and I hear the buzzing, but it's faint and only in the kitchen, but there's no phone*
Hubs: Anything?
me: No! Dammit! I almost had it! This is the worst game of hide-and-seek ever! Call it again?
Hubs: On it.
*buzzing again*
me: Worst.game.ever!
Hubs: Wait....did I bring the phone out of the boy's room?
me: I don't know?
*we both bolt upstairs to the boy's room*
Hubs: *phone in hand in our son's room* Nope, didn't grab it.
me: You suck! This whole time it was up here?!? No wonder I only heard it in the kitchen.
*walking down the stairs*
me: Worst game of hide-and-seek EVER!
Hubs: Yup. You have to blog about this though, you know that right?

I couldn't find a picture of a methed out puppy

This is why I'm not allowed in large crowds of stupid people unsupervised.....

    Today was Free Comic Book Day. For anyone not familiar with the concept, it's exactly what it sounds like: free comic books. Our favorite local comic book store was also celebrating their 5th anniversary of being in business and it was a big event! They started planning and advertising for it in February.

  Mac and I camped out last night, with about 75-100 other people. It was cold, windy and we slept in the car for about 4-5 hours.

   We got our comics signed first, then stood in the long line to get into the store. Now, here's the thing: it's a big store but still only has 2 registers. So there's going to be a wait. There's also signs up and employees wearing t-shirts that say "Free Comic Book Day 2013 May 4th". So after standing in lines for over 3 hours, sleeping in the car and being cold, I was reaching my max limit of stupid people tolerance.
  Enter douchecaneo walk-by: Hey, what's with the line?
  Mac: It's free comic book day, so the comic book store is giving away comic books and having big sales.
  Douchecanoe: Oh, so everyone's in line for the comic book store?
  Mac: Yep.
  Douchecaneo walks away and I say to Mac: Man, I should've said "It's free abortion day!".
Mac starts laughing at my inappropriateness and the guy with 3 young kids behind us is asking what I said, Mac just says "Nothing important, my wife has just started her massive inappropriately responses to stupid questions".
What can I say? It amuses me.

my free comic book day costume!

Shit..this is my damned life!

Damn...the pentacle outside my front door isn't working.
I don't mind religious folks. I do mind when you try to share a Bible verse with me, after I tell you I'm not interested, have read the Bible, grew up with 4 different versions of Christianity and went to a parochial school ("What is that?" not a good question)...when you tell me "It helps to read the Bible as an adult, you understand more"
So yes, I will tell you my personal reasons for not believing. Do you know why? There are no answers you can give me for what I went through...no verse in your little magic book that makes my bitterness magically go away, because I don't believe. It's my choice. I tried being nice. I started by stopping her and saying, "I'm sorry, my household is Pagan agnostic, we don't believe in God" very warmly not at all judgemental or hateful.

**knock, knock**
Nixon: Mommy there's someone at the door.
me: Thanks, kiddo. *grabs a hoodie, I ain't wearing a bra!*
Opens the door
(fuck me...I see Bibles!)
me: Yes?
woman A: Hello, we're out sharing the word with our neighbors, given what's going on in the world over the past couple hours. *starts opening her Bible*
me: Oh,I'm sorry, my household is Pagan agnostic, we don't believe in God
Woman A: Have you ever read the Bible?
me: *chuckles* Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, I grew up reading the Bible. I was brought up with 4 different variations of Christianity and went to a parochial school. I've read the Bible multiple times, it's of no comfort to me.
Woman A: Well, have you read it as an adult. I've found reading it when not forced brings new meanings.
me: Look, I don't believe in God. I had a bad childhood and I asked "God" for help. I was questioning the conflicting views on the religions I had and went to different pastors and was told I was being a troublemaker, instead of being taken seriously. Religion is not helpful to me.
Woman A: Well, I'm sure God wanted to help.
me: Really, well he sure works slow. Because when I was being abused and praying for it to stop, it never did. When I was asking for help from adults, I was being ignored, so excuse me if I don't believe that your magic book has the answers to make me feel better.
*stunned silence*
Woman A: I'm sorry you went through that. But you seemed to have come out okay.
(I closed the door in her face at that point. I was getting way too angry! That's not something you say to someone you don't know who has just said they were abused. She has no idea how I am!)
Woman B just stood meekly behind the first woman and tried twice to pull on woman A's sleeve and walk away. She's smart. I liked her, she also never said a word. Another reason I liked her.

I really do not begrudge Christians or their faith. But I wish this woman would have respected my faith and left. I wasn't crying in a ball asking "Why?!?" and looking for answers. If they had been a youth group trying to raise money to go to Boston to help, I would have donated a couple bucks to get them there.
I find it interesting that, during the whole interaction, Nixon never once came to the door. He stood behind it and watched my body language. Normally, he's very friendly with anyone who comes to the door, because I'm very friendly with people who come to the door. Not today.

That's it....common sense IS DEAD!!

   As I was driving on the highway today, with Nix in the car with me, I notice the car in front of me driving out of the lane and onto the shoulder of the road. My first thought was they had some kind of vehicle issues. But that was not the case, as the driver overcompensated from the shoulder and jumped back into the lane of traffic.
   By this point, I put a healthy distance between this car and my own. I usually try to keep 3 car lengths between my car and the car in front of me, for this crazyass I made it more like 6!
  Eventually, the car switched lanes and moved into the lane on my left allowing me to get ahead of *her* (as I later saw) a place I most definitely felt more comfortable being.

   As I was passing her, I glanced over and saw the most painful thing I've witnessed happening. Let me preface this by saying a couple things:
1) Old people should not be allowed to leave the house and drive alone. EVER!
2) I wear glasses for distances but do not need them for reading.
3) I am very, very vigilant about not using my cell phone when driving.

Now what I saw: An elderly woman, holding a touch screen type cellphone, lifting her glasses off her face to see the screen, and not looking at the road at all! Remember, she had moved from the right lane of 3 lanes of traffic to the center lane! I was approaching an off-ramp and thankfully the cars in front of me all got off, because I hit the gas and put 10 car lengths between me and ole-blind-as-a-bat-cellphone-reader-grandma back there!
  Who in their right mind, thinks that lifting their glasses off their face while driving approximately 60-65mph to look at a cell phone screen, is a good idea? Anyone?!? Holy fuck on a stick, I thought the older generations had more common sense than the younger ones, but this crazy old bat proved me wrong!

   I am amazed at the number of people I see on a daily basis driving and talking on their cellphones. It pisses me off to no end, because there are laws against it! How fucking hard is it to pull over, or wait to get out of the parking spot until you're off the phone, or learn how to use the bluetooth option that came in your car (for those cars that have it)? I am almost certain the people who ride my ass, or lock up their brakes coming to a red light do it because they are too busy talking on the fucking cell phone rather than paying attention to what they should be doing....driving!

   My point is: If you can't see things up close with your fucking glasses on, and you are behind the wheel of a moving goddamned car, keep the fucking glasses on, put the goddamned fucking cell phone down and just fucking drive! I, and the other people on the road with you, will thank you for it!
   Seriously, I'm pissed that kind of bullshit even needed to be said, but evidently, it did. Someone's grandma was too fucking dumb to realize this is common-fucking-sense, and she was out driving alone in her silver RAV4, on MD50 EB towards the Bay Bridge today.

..and then my kid witnessed a birdie gang-bang

So the kid and I were walking into the store to grab cat food because we had gotten all the home from the grocery store before I realized I didn't buy any cat food and we were completely out of cat food and I like to not be killed and eaten by hungry bitch cats in my sleep so back out we went, when his eye and ear was caught by the ear-splitting squawking of birds. I look over, in the direction of the noise and where he was pointing, and see 3 sparrows having what can only be described as a birdie-orgy under the shopping carts. 

Nixon says "Mommy that baby bird is being hurt! We need to help it quick!"
me: No baby, she is not hurt. Those birdies are just trying to make baby birds, but they get a little loud (as I keep walking with him and resist the urge to tell him "she might actually be enjoying what she's getting right now, so girls are kinky like that")
Nixon: They have baby birds?!? I want to see the babies!
me: No honey, they are making babies, they don't have them yet.
Nixon: Will they have them when we leave?
me: No Nixon, it takes time for the birds to make the babies. Birds have eggs that they need to lay in nests.
Nixon: But those birds weren't in a nest.
me: (boy, I really stepped in with that one) No baby, they lay the eggs in the nest, they don't make the babies in the nest.
Nixon: Baby birds are made on the ground?
me: Yeah, we'll go with that!
**Thank gods he didn't ask where baby dogs/dinosaurs/people come from...** 

And thank you horny sparrows for having a public gang-bang in the middle of the fucking sidewalk where any curious child can see. I did notice I was the only parent not brushing off the "what's happening?" questions from their child. Honestly, no, it's not the funnest topic in the world to discuss with your child, but it's not exactly earth-shattering either. I managed it and I can't do anything right these days!

I kept it simple, no lies that I'd have to remember next time, and no graphic details. He was satisfied and I answered his questions. Seriously, how hard is it to be honest with our children about sex?? Isn't that how they got here? Are there seriously parents out there who believe if they don't ever talk to their kids about sex their kids just won't do it?? Because I'm living proof that does not work! I'm almost *cough* 30-something years old and my parents never had the talk with me. No wait, that's not true. My dad thought I was having sex with my boyfriend and he told me "If you are stop! It is not fun until you're married" *for the record I had just as much fun having sex before I was married as I do now that I am married. I just actually like to sleep snuggled in my husband's arms now, which I never wanted to do in most cases with the guys I slept with before* 

My point is, the earlier you discuss sex the easier and less awkward is it. Plus, you kid kind of trusts you to tell him/her the truth. Like I can tell Nix to wear a condom because it'll protect him from diseases plus protect the girl/guy he is with and I won't come off sounding all preachy, I hope. 

But if you never take these small and admittedly odd but nature-given opportunities to discuss things you're missing chances. I mean, outside of porn, when else are you going to get a chance to see a gang-bang with your child and not scar them for life?!?! A porn will probably scar Nix if I showed it to him at age 4...and even I know that's a bad parenting decision! 

My husband...the party pooper.

   Apparently my husband has no sense of humor when it comes to family bonding that may or may not involve a possible crime. It's not like a murder pact or anything like that, I was simple hypothetically, suggesting a drunk accident befalling someone.

   All of a sudden my husband is all "I can't have you planning a felony" and "you can't even joke about that" and "what about our son? what happens to him if you're in jail?" like he actually thinks I'd get caught! Where's the faith, the love and the commitment?!

  Geesh! That's the last time I tell him anything before I call him from jail!

 Almost 5 years of marriage and this is the thanks I get? I wasn't even asking him to participate in anything! Well...I guess I know who I'm NOT calling if I need to suddenly bury a body. Nice to know who you can really and truly count on in this world.

  Next time, I'm adding "and we'll always help each other get rid of the body of evidence" in my wedding vows. If he can't say that, then we're just not meant for each other afterall.

*the previous has been written under a medicated state and should not be taken seriously by anyone without a sense of humor. however, if you have a sense of humor and you read this, please laugh and tell my husband it's a joke! To my husband: I should not be awake still and this blog post proves why the voices in my head make for bad company when left unsupervised*

Pruning the family tree

   Well, it seems like the time has come to do some spring cleaning. But it's winter, you might be saying to yourself. And you would be correct, but I'm finding myself ass-deep in the winter blues so what better way to cheer myself up than some soul searching spring cleaning?

   This isn't just any ordinary spring cleaning, this is literally, cutting some dead weight off the ole family tree. See, I've got some real "winners" in my family and only recently have I been truly exposed to their true colors and I'm realizing I don't need that kind of ugliness in my life. What's better is, if I don't contact them I don't hear from them 95% of the time. It's like there's a force field around my hometown that prevents people who live inside of it from remembering about the people on the outside of it. And I've finally reached my breaking point. I can't and I won't be a "when it's convenient" only family member anymore. I know I'm not perfect about calling people, but dammit  if I was in the hospital or Nixon was in the hospital, I'd fucking call people! And I wouldn't try to keep a secret for 6 goddamned years and then get pissed and tell more lies when the truth came out! I don't tell lies that affect the whole family!

   Sure, everyone tells lies. I've had this same discussion with my 4-year old. Everyone lies: there are big lies, little lies and all kinds of lies in between. It takes a strong person, a person with integrity, to admit the truth when confronted and caught in a lie. Evidently integrity is not a strong suit in my gene pool. I'm changing that with Nixon.

  To me I'd rather spend my time with family who love and value me and my family. Not feel entitled to my time and visits from us. Entitlement is a serious epidemic in this country and I refuse to feed it! I have many friends and family who I keep in touch with through facebook, Skype and email because there are so many miles between us. Is it a perfect solution? NO, by no means no, but the efforts are being made and all parties appreciate the efforts being made. Telling me your life is "too busy to deal with this" when "this" is a family member who is not trouble is disgusting! To sweep something under the rug because it's not happy or nice, is how certain family members have become the way they are *cough, pothead,cough*. But what do I know? I'm just a troublemaker/problem who lives miles away.

   And the lies told haven't just hurt me, they've hurt other family members and friends as well. I'll openly admit, I am not perfect. I'm flawed, I've told my share of lies but I have never told a lie that led to a family member's depression. I've ruined my own mental health by my own actions and I've said harmful things to family members, but my child is not a pawn I use to hurt people!

   The saddest part of all of this is, when the whole situation first came to light and I confronted my family, I was told to give it time for "prayers". After these "prayers" the decision was to "leave things as they are and let it go". In other words, "god" doesn't care enough to let the truth come out. And certain family members wonder why I find no comfort in prayer or their faith....