Saturday, May 31, 2014

Snarky Bitch takes on.....stupid dog owner

    As I mentioned before, I'm working again. As a result I deal with stupid people a lot more often than I previously have. Today I dealt with a stupid pet owner. Dog, to be specific.

Potential Park Visitor (PPV): How much is it?
*I immediately notice the small dog jumping in the backseat*
me: I'm sorry ma'am, but we're pet free at this point in time. I can't allow into the park with your dog.
*Normal people would just accept that answer and ask if they can turn around*
PPV: Well, what if I don't let him leave the car?
me: I'm sorry, what?!? (because I've clearly misunderstood what she just said, right?!)
PPV: What if I keep him in the car? Can I come in then?
me: No ma'am. It's very hot outside, your dog would not survive being locked in the car while you go to the beach. If I let you in and you left your dog in the car I'd have to call DNR officers and you may be faced with animal cruelty charges.
PPV: Are you serious?!
me: Yes ma'am, your dog's safety is important and that's why we don't allow pets in the park during peak months.
PPV: *to her friend* You believe this?! It's a DOG!
me: Ma'am I need you to exit the park off to the left there, there's a line forming and I will not be letting into the park today with your dog in that vehicle.

And I'd like to state, for the record, I was very nice and used a soothing but firm tone while talking to this lady. Her dog was a small dog, a little bigger than my cats.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Snarky Bitch takes on.....working at a state park

    I got a job. Well, that is I got a job outside of  raising my former uterus hostage every day. UH wipes his own ass now, so I'm feeling confidant it's time to get a job of my own. Plus, the Geek Sailor is coming up on retirement from the Navy, so you know, we can use all the money we can get.

   Memorial Day weekend and every asshole and his even larger asshole brother ends up at the beach. I happen to now work at a park that has a beach in it. So that meant every asshole plus assholier brother came to "see" me this weekend.

   But before we get to that nonsense, let me start with my Monday morning drive to work.
The park already had a line when I got there at 5:40am. I shot down the "Employees Only" road to take the service road. I took the first dirt'ish area I saw.
 It was NOT the service road. I'm about halfway in, when I simultaneously feel a big bump/hear a loud BANG/see my tire pressure light come on.
It was a total not-good situation.
I arrive at the park entrance and one of the rangers was kind enough to tell me (a) that was not the service road and (b) I had 2 flats!
FUCK, FUCK, FUCKITY FUCKFUCK!

Since the park still hadn't opened, I slowly pulled into the park and got into a parking spot. I surveyed the damage and it was not good.
I went to work and slowly word spread though the employees of my "accident". One of my co-workers asked for my jack so the car wasn't sitting on the rims all day.
At the end of the day, all I could do was laugh about it. What else was I going to do? We had between 5 to 10,000 people come into the park in a 5 hour period of time. I couldn't very well cry or throw a fit about it. Shit wasn't getting fixed before Tuesday so I carried-the-fuck-on!

Now, about 3 hours into the non-stop crush of people, one car comes into my lane and tries to get back into the park without paying....by handing me a receipt from the day before! Our entrance clearly states "Must Pay to Re Enter!", but these fucktards of shartsville, decided it didn't apply to them because "we just going feeshing".
So when that wasn't working on me, this one guy decided I had to know his friend "likes you". Me being me and already in an annoyed-as-fuck mood says "Yeah? So does my husband!". The guy in the driver's seat tells me I'm (a) not really married and (b) not even wearing a real wedding ring, it's a fake!
I wear a black titanium with a rose gold inlay band to work. I'm not wearing my diamond rings when I'm having to hand people money all day long. Nope, not going to happen. I'm not going to work to impress people either.
This guy proceeded to ask for his fucking creepy ass friend, (who rolled his window down so he could stare me up and down to the point I felt like he knew what color underwear I put on that morning) my phone number. Again, I say something along the lines of "Well, I promised my husband I'd stop giving out my number to random guys". And again I'm told I'm not really married.
I finally get super bitchy and tell this guy he can pay me and enter the park or he can leave and not ever return because he's harassing me. Shockingly *that's in sarcasm* he paid and left.

And finally, in the category of "making friends while doing my job", I've managed to learn how to piss off the most dangerous group of people: military service members spouses! Our policy is the military discount is for ACTIVE DUTY and their spouses with VALID ID only.
So if someone comes in with an expired ID, a retired ID or a Vet ID card, the discount is not valid. I don't necessarily agree with it, but it is what it is. So I've taught the other people I work with how to read the ID cards, and a lot of people have been getting in with retired spouse cards or expired cards. Not anymore....sorry.

In the end, my car was fixed today. It was kind of expensive but shit happens in life.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Snarky Bitch on moving

...I hate it! I hate moving! It's time consuming, wasteful (how many trips do I need to take before I get every small piece of crap out of the old place and into the new one?!) and incredibly stressful. But there's something even more fun: doing all this while the Crimson Tide if flowing down south! Because that always makes me so sane and zen, right?!
   Nope, it makes me batshit, irrationally crazy!

   So, we're moving. Downsizing to a smaller place in an effort to save up for a house in the next 12-18 months. We're throwing out, donating, selling and putting things into storage. It's crazy how much crap we've got! When did we get all this?! Was I sleeping?

    And on top of all this, I've started my job (working outside of the home for the first time since a week before my little Uterus Hostage was freed!). I'm a control freak, so releasing control on what goes where and letting Geek Sailor take over has not been smooth. Then I get annoyed and pissed when he asks me a question and I want him to just make a decision. It's amazing our marriage has survived: this is the 3rd move we've done during the 7 years we've been living together/married. It never gets easier.....

    Bottom line: Moving can suck my big, fat left titty!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Snarky Bitch vs that evil bastard: my scale

    I've put on a bit of weight. I'm struggling with the exact number, I hadn't stepped on a scale in over 4 months to avoid adding to my anxiety.

    I've struggled with weight for decades! Not years, decades, I've hated food. I mean, I love food but sadly I don't always love the best foods. Which leads to more body image issues. It's an evil cycle I can't seem to get control over.

    I'm beyond grateful that I'm not trying to raise a daughter. I do my best to hide my issues from Nixon, but I know girls catch on to things like body image/weight importance and shit like that at a young age and when you never think they're looking. I'd hate to damage my daughter with my own issues, even unintentionally.

    I can't even tell you where I went wrong this time. I was doing great, I'd lost a fair amount of weight in about 8 months. Slow and steady with a healthy diet. Then comes September and all my convictions were lost. Then winter came, and I just gave up altogether.

   I know my clothes don't fit the same as they did a few months ago.
   I know it's my fault.
   I know I can change this.
   I just need to get my head straight and force myself to do this shit and get it done right.

   Most of all, I need to stop letting numbers tell me if I'm happy and secure or not. I know I'm not happy now, but 6-9 months ago I was in a good place and still didn't feel good about myself.

    Ahhhhh...I'm so fucked up in the head when it comes to my weight. Thankfully, GS is awesome and knows exactly what to say and do to make me feel loved and beautiful. It's not that I expect him too, but it's nice that he cares enough to make me feel better and know that my weight issues do not effect him or his feelings for me.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Snarky Bitch vs a crankier, bitchier Snarky Bitch

 For the women that read this blog, I hope none of you have ever been where I am right now!

 My PMS started with boobs the size of melons, so sore to the touch that I cringe every time I put them in a bra. Add that to the fact that walking made them sore because they are much heavier than normal. That started 2 weeks ago. Then I started getting my migraines again, lovely right??, and my acid reflux began to rear its godawful head again. I spent 3 nights sleeping sitting up because I was choking on the acid in the back of my throat!

I was just being able to handle all that, when I woke up this morning in a foul and awful mood! I woke up wanting to hit or throw something.
The family and I had a couple errands to run and that was when I really got bad! Driving made me super annoyed/angry and I failed to keep my cursing to myself. I dropped a few "fuck"s and more than one "fucktard", and topped it all off by throwing up a middle finger because some goddamned douchecaneo was too self-important to choose the right lane of traffic to turn into then decided to force his way into the lane I was waiting in, the proper lane he wanted to be in but decided to try to skip the wait and be a giant dick! I mean, sure at least he used a turn signal, but he arrive to the stop light in the straight or right turn only lane, with his left turn signal on....he arrived with intentions to be an asshole....if that doesn't warrant a middle finger and a few "FUCK"s, I don't know what does.
Unfortunately, UH was in the car and I was driving less than flawlessly. GS decided to tell me after our next stop, I "could ride in the back with UH and watch some Bob's Burger with him". In other words, I was being sent to behave.

We came home and I was sent to my room, with computer at least, to be alone and relax. I'm so pissy and cranky I'm worried I might anger myself and have a brawl...with myself. I'm not sure who'd win that fight, we're both pretty vicious bitches right now.

Friday, February 28, 2014

Snarky Bitch takes on annoying tv commercials


   Have you watched these commercials? My son thinks they are hilarious, but only when the adults are shown doing the actions the kids suggest.
   Me? I think they are dumb as fuck and annoying. Every single time I see one of these commercials I get pissed off and start yelling "Oh HELL fucking no would that shit fly with me!". Why, you ask? It's simple, unless these children have bought this box of halos with their own money, it is not "okay" for them to tell their parent(s) they aren't allowed to eat one.
   When did it become accepted for kids to tell adults what to do?!? I sure as hell did not get to do this kind of shit when I was a child and I'll be damned if my son will EVER do this shit to me!
    And why are these parents ASKING their kid if it's "okay"?? If you want a goddamned orange, eat a fucking orange!

   The point? Those commercials suck!
And they aren't the only ones....


   I'm sure I haven't mentioned this, but UH is an only child....BY CHOICE! *gasp!* So that means, for all intent and purpose, I am a lifetime member of the "First Kid" Club. Every stage he's going through is a first for me, but that doesn't mean I'm the type of mom being portrayed in these commercials.
   First, I never drove around at night hoping for my child to fall asleep in the car. By the time he was 6 weeks old, he was already sleeping in his crib falling asleep on his own!
    Second, I never woke up in a panic checking for diaper leaks. Know why?! I was fucking asleep!! If he needed something, he'd cry and let me know.
   Finally, what is wrong with reading age-appropriate books to your child? The last thing I want to read to my son is the latest exploits or fashion mishaps of the Kar-trash-ian clan!

    These commercials just add fuel to the "mommy wars" fire. Trust me, as a mom with one (awesome) kid and zero plans of having any more kids, there's plenty of fuel already there. It's the dumbest thing, these commercials and the idea of one mom being better than another, to compete when raising kids. One kid or 19 kids, any person raising a child is a parent. And NO ONE is an expert when it comes to child-rearing. Everyone makes mistakes and just because you've had more children doesn't classify you as an expert.

   So LUVS....please keep your "mommy wars" narrow minded bullshit off the airwaves! I've got one child and I'm an expert on raising him as best as I can!

   Before I end this post. I want to put my favorite commercial here:
   This is HILARIOUS!! Maybe more so because I'm raising a boy, but this make me laugh (or sing-a-long) every time.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Snarky Bitch vs my logic and math-impaired son


"You never find me something to watch!" whines the former uterus hostage. Now please bear with me, we just spent 2 hours watching mind numbingly annoying kid-friendly shows, but I NEVER find anything for him to watch.
"Are you kidding me?!", was my awesome comeback for him.
Let the tears of righteous indignation begin to flow! "No! I am not kidding you. You never find me something to watch! NEVER!" as his bottom lip is trembling and tears are flowing down his face. Is that snot I see??
I sigh, lift up my left hand and begin the math portion of this conversation.
*lifting one finger* "Who just wanted to watch America's Funniest Videos?" I ask UH.
Still crying he says "Me".
*onto the next finger, 2 are held up now* "And who likes Dora?"
Again, still crying, wiping his nose on his sleeve, "Me".
*holding up 3 fingers now* "What about LaLaLoopsie? Who likes that?"
More tears, but a smile as well, "I do!"
*the 4th and final finger on my left hand is now up* "And what about TUFF Puppy? Who do we know that likes that show?"
The tears are slowing down, but the snot...it is a-flowing, "I do".
*Moving to my right hand now, I hold up one finger* "This is how many shows I like and got to watch. So again, I never find something for you to watch? Still believe that?"
This incredible kid of mine, starts crying full-on again and says to me "Because you never let me watch anything when I ask to!"
I'll admit it, I lost my mom cool for a moment and said "Are you kidding me?!? You watched 4 shows tonight, I watched 1! One show, UH! Look at my hands! There are 4 fingers of shows you wanted, and got to, watch but only 1 show for me!" *at this point I pause and ask him which hand had more fingers, he chose the left hand with the 4 fingers showing*
He says to me "Uh-huh, and you won't let me watch another show, so you NEVER find me something to watch", and cue the tears, snot and quivering bottom lip.
I sigh at him, go to the kitchen, grab a drink return to the living room, turn off the TV and let him know it's bath time before asking him to put away his toys for the night.

I mean, for fucking real! This kid knows math! He told me the right hand had fewer fingers up than the left, but in his mind, I never let him watch anything because the second he asked me to find him something to watch I didn't jump like lightening struck me and give in to his demands! What a total bitch his mom is!
I'm pretty sure he's going to have a full-on TV blackout for a couple days. This is beyond selfishness and I'm over it!

Snarky Bitch Mom, out!