Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Snarky Bitch vs Menstruation!

   Yes, I said it! Menstruation! Aunt Flow! Surfing the Crimson Wave! And my own personal nickname for it: Uterine Suicide!

    Call it what you like, everyone woman has had it and I bet everyone woman you know hates it!

My "monthly fun" starts about 7-10 days before I get to the real "exciting" stuff. I'll wake up one morning and I'll suddenly feel like I have two giant nuts (testicles) attached to my chest. My tits swell up and become so sensitive I end up wearing a sports bra for a week. (I change it, so it's not the same bra for a week)
Then comes the bloating. My abdomen gets so bloated it looks like I'm 4 months pregnant. And I have gas like a mo-fo! I get so bloated it hurts if I don't take something for it daily.

Have I mentioned mood swings? No. Let's go there! It goes one of two ways: I'll be super nice and sweet able to carry on normal conversations with ease OR I'll be a raging bitch, cursing out every asshole driver, dickface park patron and capable of making inanimate objects fly!

Then it's SHOWTIME! I get cramps, contraction like cramps, in my back. I get blinding headache. I feel like my head and uterus are in competition over which pain will make me pass out first! There's been times when I'm in so much pain I can't sleep without crying out in pain. (I wish I were exaggerating)

And in the end, what's it all for? Just to let me know my uterus is still (thankfully!) occupant-free. Why hasn't science come up with a way to let me know without all the side effects? As if the actual side effect of a missed period (aka pregnancy) wasn't bad enough, I get all the bells and whistles every month because my husband's vasectomy is holding true and he's still "shooting blanks"!

Guys, if you're reading this, thank every woman in your life for not killing you. Believe me, I blame the men in my life for making me the girl! And yes, it is YOUR fault men, that every girl is a girl! We, as women, have zero control over what the fertilized egg becomes. That's all those spermies job!

So here's to my dad, for shooting some strong girl jiz that night, and making my life this awesome kind of hell, once a month. Except, I'm getting old'ish and it's not every 28 days any more. I used to be 28 days to the hour! Now I'm every...whenever the wind blows and my body feels like shedding a some lining via my lovely vag-hole! Thankfully, it never lasts more than 4 days. But damned those first 2 days are fucking evil!

Friday, September 12, 2014

Snarky Bitch continues taking on the State Park patrons

   There are 3 basic questions I asked every weekend this summer. They are, loosely in order:
1) How many people in the vehicle?
2) Is anyone in the car a (state I live in) resident?
3) Any children in carseat or booster seats? (When the language barrier broke down, I'd revert to "Any children in safety seats?" and after that I pantomimed buckling a child's carseat!)

    You'd think the first one is mostly a no-brainer. I mean, people is pretty inclusive right? So when I ask for "total number of people", it's logical to include all children in the car right? Wrong! I had to remind people that "Kids are people too!", so often that my co-workers and I joked it should be printed on a button we wear on our uniform! It's almost comical how often after asking for "total people", then adding "including all children", the number almost doubled!
    Please, say it with me: KIDS ARE PEOPLE TOO!

   The second question led to a lot of "lost my wallet" responses, when I asked for (state I live in) drivers license or other state-issued photo identification! Also, there are a lot of drivers driving without a license on them. Gods I wish just once there was a cop around when these total fuckfaces left the park!
   To be fair, there was more than one drunk driver snagged by park police! Always a good feeling. But it begs the question: How does one get drunk in a park that prohibits alcohol? (A sad point-of-fact: more than one person saw the "Alcohol Prohibited" sign and thought it was "Alcohol Permitted", and by thought I mean they had no idea that prohibited meant not allowed!)

   Finally, the third question. It's a simple question, are kids in a carseat or a booster seat?  It's a simple "yes" or "no" question. If "yes" I need a number. Not too difficult. And yet every weekend I have to count heads and remind parents that the question refers to safety seats, not carseats.
   I also reminded parents to buckle their children up. (Although the most awesome and sadly unrecorded GIF of the season went to a co-worker who did a "click, click" dance for one particularly ignorant father!)

   And before I leave, let me ask you this, which is a hotly debated question:
Is it a stereotype if it's been statistically proven to be true??

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Snarky Bitch vs a Summer at a State Park (as an employee) part one???

   Snarky Bitch here! Have you missed me? I've missed you. I've been wearing my big girl panties every day and going to a real job! At which I work with "kids" (college-aged kids) and spend every day as a total tool. Or at least that's how the people who come into the state park I work at view me.

    Let's start with the biggest issue I found during the course of my time at the park: Carseats!
You'd think this would be a non-issue in 2014. I mean the laws are pretty cut-and-dry, but that did not stop people from ignoring them and then bitching/screaming/cussing/threaten us every time they had to pay for children not in a carseat or booster seat under the age of 8.
Here's just a few of the excuses I heard...
* "They don't all fit"- this usually came from families packing 6-9 people in a Honda Accord, or a similarly sized car.
* "He/She's too big for one"- the child in question usually is still in diapers and seated on someones lap.
* "It's my right as a parent to decide if my child needs a carseat or not, and I say they don't. You can't tell me how to parent!"- this father argued the philosophical nature behind our rules and pricing. He ultimately paid....for all of his kids not in carseats!
* "No, that's a baby. He/She no need a carseat"- yes, infants on adults laps were viewed as safer than a carseat!
* "But the baby is in a carseat!"- this came from a woman who was holding an infant carseat in her lap in the front seat. NOT okay and NOT legal!
* "But she/he was crying in line, so we took him/her out because the crying is horrible!"- yes, a crying baby is an awful sound. But you know what's a worse sound? A dead baby!
* "I had to feed the baby"- this was somehow turned into me being against breastfeeding, as every time I heard this it was because a child was being breastfed.

I was asked on more than one occasion if I was, in fact, a parent and if I knew what it was like to try to keep a child in a carseat. This was usually from parents with more than one child STANDING in the vehicle while it was moving and then they ASK the child if they'd please sit back down! Hell yeah, I'm a mother and HELL NO does my kid walk around in a moving car! On top of that I don't ask my kid to sit his ass back down, because he knows better than to EVER get up in the first place!
Is what I wanted to say. What I did respond with was "Yes, I am a mother. And my child was never out of a carseat while the car was moving, so it's never been an issue in my family."


   The second largest pain in my ass groups might have been: Senior Citizens!
You'd think, when you're closer to dying every morning than not, you might be a kinder person. You'd be wrong. Seniors were brutal!
   *They feel entitled to freebies. And bitch when they don't get one just for being old.
   *They are scheming thieves! Our senior pass is only good for the senior on the pass. That being said we did have a courtesy pass for seniors, that entitled them to free entrance into the park when the Entrance Lane was busy or closed. It's still only for the cardholder, but they started bringing their whole family in, trying to justify it as "You gave us the card to get in, so we're going in". Not okay! Old people did not like me!


   There were more incidents. I have a summer worth of issues to address. One of the more recent issues involved a senior, who did not have his pass but showed me a pass from another park. When I explained he'd have to pay, he got annoyed. I finally directed him to headquarters, as they are able to look up all senior passes issued at our park. He did so, and I was instructed to let him in no charge.
   Upon his return he tells me "You know, it's not about the money I can afford to pay. It's about the principle" *cue my blank stare* He went on "It's about the principle". I replied, quietly, "Sir, I'm only doing my job.". His reply? "It was all about the principle" and drove away.
    I still don't know what this "principle" is that he was blathering on about!

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Snarky Bitch takes on.....stupid dog owner

    As I mentioned before, I'm working again. As a result I deal with stupid people a lot more often than I previously have. Today I dealt with a stupid pet owner. Dog, to be specific.

Potential Park Visitor (PPV): How much is it?
*I immediately notice the small dog jumping in the backseat*
me: I'm sorry ma'am, but we're pet free at this point in time. I can't allow into the park with your dog.
*Normal people would just accept that answer and ask if they can turn around*
PPV: Well, what if I don't let him leave the car?
me: I'm sorry, what?!? (because I've clearly misunderstood what she just said, right?!)
PPV: What if I keep him in the car? Can I come in then?
me: No ma'am. It's very hot outside, your dog would not survive being locked in the car while you go to the beach. If I let you in and you left your dog in the car I'd have to call DNR officers and you may be faced with animal cruelty charges.
PPV: Are you serious?!
me: Yes ma'am, your dog's safety is important and that's why we don't allow pets in the park during peak months.
PPV: *to her friend* You believe this?! It's a DOG!
me: Ma'am I need you to exit the park off to the left there, there's a line forming and I will not be letting into the park today with your dog in that vehicle.

And I'd like to state, for the record, I was very nice and used a soothing but firm tone while talking to this lady. Her dog was a small dog, a little bigger than my cats.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Snarky Bitch takes on.....working at a state park

    I got a job. Well, that is I got a job outside of  raising my former uterus hostage every day. UH wipes his own ass now, so I'm feeling confidant it's time to get a job of my own. Plus, the Geek Sailor is coming up on retirement from the Navy, so you know, we can use all the money we can get.

   Memorial Day weekend and every asshole and his even larger asshole brother ends up at the beach. I happen to now work at a park that has a beach in it. So that meant every asshole plus assholier brother came to "see" me this weekend.

   But before we get to that nonsense, let me start with my Monday morning drive to work.
The park already had a line when I got there at 5:40am. I shot down the "Employees Only" road to take the service road. I took the first dirt'ish area I saw.
 It was NOT the service road. I'm about halfway in, when I simultaneously feel a big bump/hear a loud BANG/see my tire pressure light come on.
It was a total not-good situation.
I arrive at the park entrance and one of the rangers was kind enough to tell me (a) that was not the service road and (b) I had 2 flats!
FUCK, FUCK, FUCKITY FUCKFUCK!

Since the park still hadn't opened, I slowly pulled into the park and got into a parking spot. I surveyed the damage and it was not good.
I went to work and slowly word spread though the employees of my "accident". One of my co-workers asked for my jack so the car wasn't sitting on the rims all day.
At the end of the day, all I could do was laugh about it. What else was I going to do? We had between 5 to 10,000 people come into the park in a 5 hour period of time. I couldn't very well cry or throw a fit about it. Shit wasn't getting fixed before Tuesday so I carried-the-fuck-on!

Now, about 3 hours into the non-stop crush of people, one car comes into my lane and tries to get back into the park without paying....by handing me a receipt from the day before! Our entrance clearly states "Must Pay to Re Enter!", but these fucktards of shartsville, decided it didn't apply to them because "we just going feeshing".
So when that wasn't working on me, this one guy decided I had to know his friend "likes you". Me being me and already in an annoyed-as-fuck mood says "Yeah? So does my husband!". The guy in the driver's seat tells me I'm (a) not really married and (b) not even wearing a real wedding ring, it's a fake!
I wear a black titanium with a rose gold inlay band to work. I'm not wearing my diamond rings when I'm having to hand people money all day long. Nope, not going to happen. I'm not going to work to impress people either.
This guy proceeded to ask for his fucking creepy ass friend, (who rolled his window down so he could stare me up and down to the point I felt like he knew what color underwear I put on that morning) my phone number. Again, I say something along the lines of "Well, I promised my husband I'd stop giving out my number to random guys". And again I'm told I'm not really married.
I finally get super bitchy and tell this guy he can pay me and enter the park or he can leave and not ever return because he's harassing me. Shockingly *that's in sarcasm* he paid and left.

And finally, in the category of "making friends while doing my job", I've managed to learn how to piss off the most dangerous group of people: military service members spouses! Our policy is the military discount is for ACTIVE DUTY and their spouses with VALID ID only.
So if someone comes in with an expired ID, a retired ID or a Vet ID card, the discount is not valid. I don't necessarily agree with it, but it is what it is. So I've taught the other people I work with how to read the ID cards, and a lot of people have been getting in with retired spouse cards or expired cards. Not anymore....sorry.

In the end, my car was fixed today. It was kind of expensive but shit happens in life.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Snarky Bitch on moving

...I hate it! I hate moving! It's time consuming, wasteful (how many trips do I need to take before I get every small piece of crap out of the old place and into the new one?!) and incredibly stressful. But there's something even more fun: doing all this while the Crimson Tide if flowing down south! Because that always makes me so sane and zen, right?!
   Nope, it makes me batshit, irrationally crazy!

   So, we're moving. Downsizing to a smaller place in an effort to save up for a house in the next 12-18 months. We're throwing out, donating, selling and putting things into storage. It's crazy how much crap we've got! When did we get all this?! Was I sleeping?

    And on top of all this, I've started my job (working outside of the home for the first time since a week before my little Uterus Hostage was freed!). I'm a control freak, so releasing control on what goes where and letting Geek Sailor take over has not been smooth. Then I get annoyed and pissed when he asks me a question and I want him to just make a decision. It's amazing our marriage has survived: this is the 3rd move we've done during the 7 years we've been living together/married. It never gets easier.....

    Bottom line: Moving can suck my big, fat left titty!

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Snarky Bitch vs that evil bastard: my scale

    I've put on a bit of weight. I'm struggling with the exact number, I hadn't stepped on a scale in over 4 months to avoid adding to my anxiety.

    I've struggled with weight for decades! Not years, decades, I've hated food. I mean, I love food but sadly I don't always love the best foods. Which leads to more body image issues. It's an evil cycle I can't seem to get control over.

    I'm beyond grateful that I'm not trying to raise a daughter. I do my best to hide my issues from Nixon, but I know girls catch on to things like body image/weight importance and shit like that at a young age and when you never think they're looking. I'd hate to damage my daughter with my own issues, even unintentionally.

    I can't even tell you where I went wrong this time. I was doing great, I'd lost a fair amount of weight in about 8 months. Slow and steady with a healthy diet. Then comes September and all my convictions were lost. Then winter came, and I just gave up altogether.

   I know my clothes don't fit the same as they did a few months ago.
   I know it's my fault.
   I know I can change this.
   I just need to get my head straight and force myself to do this shit and get it done right.

   Most of all, I need to stop letting numbers tell me if I'm happy and secure or not. I know I'm not happy now, but 6-9 months ago I was in a good place and still didn't feel good about myself.

    Ahhhhh...I'm so fucked up in the head when it comes to my weight. Thankfully, GS is awesome and knows exactly what to say and do to make me feel loved and beautiful. It's not that I expect him too, but it's nice that he cares enough to make me feel better and know that my weight issues do not effect him or his feelings for me.