Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Snarky Bitch vs Menstruation!

   Yes, I said it! Menstruation! Aunt Flow! Surfing the Crimson Wave! And my own personal nickname for it: Uterine Suicide!

    Call it what you like, everyone woman has had it and I bet everyone woman you know hates it!

My "monthly fun" starts about 7-10 days before I get to the real "exciting" stuff. I'll wake up one morning and I'll suddenly feel like I have two giant nuts (testicles) attached to my chest. My tits swell up and become so sensitive I end up wearing a sports bra for a week. (I change it, so it's not the same bra for a week)
Then comes the bloating. My abdomen gets so bloated it looks like I'm 4 months pregnant. And I have gas like a mo-fo! I get so bloated it hurts if I don't take something for it daily.

Have I mentioned mood swings? No. Let's go there! It goes one of two ways: I'll be super nice and sweet able to carry on normal conversations with ease OR I'll be a raging bitch, cursing out every asshole driver, dickface park patron and capable of making inanimate objects fly!

Then it's SHOWTIME! I get cramps, contraction like cramps, in my back. I get blinding headache. I feel like my head and uterus are in competition over which pain will make me pass out first! There's been times when I'm in so much pain I can't sleep without crying out in pain. (I wish I were exaggerating)

And in the end, what's it all for? Just to let me know my uterus is still (thankfully!) occupant-free. Why hasn't science come up with a way to let me know without all the side effects? As if the actual side effect of a missed period (aka pregnancy) wasn't bad enough, I get all the bells and whistles every month because my husband's vasectomy is holding true and he's still "shooting blanks"!

Guys, if you're reading this, thank every woman in your life for not killing you. Believe me, I blame the men in my life for making me the girl! And yes, it is YOUR fault men, that every girl is a girl! We, as women, have zero control over what the fertilized egg becomes. That's all those spermies job!

So here's to my dad, for shooting some strong girl jiz that night, and making my life this awesome kind of hell, once a month. Except, I'm getting old'ish and it's not every 28 days any more. I used to be 28 days to the hour! Now I'm every...whenever the wind blows and my body feels like shedding a some lining via my lovely vag-hole! Thankfully, it never lasts more than 4 days. But damned those first 2 days are fucking evil!

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