Showing posts with label hating on the simple life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hating on the simple life. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Self...shut-up and take the compliment!
I was sitting outside of Third Eye Comics Saturday morning, waiting for the store to open for a creator signing. I was surrounded by a bunch of other people, just chilling in a chair relaxing for the first time that morning. Squishy had been kind of a pill and I was relieved to be with the Hubs for some support.
A guy with a small dog walks between me and the rest of the group I was sitting with. He stops and looks at me, then takes a few steps and stops again. He says to me "Haven't I seen you on TV?"
Okay, I admit I'm very taken aback by that comment. I chuckle and say "No, I'm sure you haven't but thank you for the compliment". I should have stopped there. But I continue. "Unless it was in a porno, in which case thank you twice for the compliment".
By now, even the Hubs is looking at me with a curious look on his face and asks what in the crap I'm talking about. I explain it to him and he says "Wait, you've got a porn floating around out there?". You'd think he was upset. You'd be wrong. He was curious that I was making porn money and not spreading the wealth! haha
Also, this came one week after I made things awkward when I announced the line was for "free smach'mortions" (rhymes with abortions) Obviously, not everyone gets my sense of humor. Thankfully, my husband does and as long as he and I are still laughing together, I'm good-to-go!
Sunday, June 16, 2013
This is why I hate trying to make new friends...
 |
| I feel like this would have totally been way better than the email I got. |
A real email I received this evening:
"I'm XXX, and I'm the organizer of the OMG Girlfriends Meetup group. I was looking at the site's records and realized that you had not been to the site or attended a meetup within the last three months. I assume by this that you are no longer interested in being a member of the group. I am therefore removing you from the membership list. You are welcome to rejoin at any time."
Well, fuck! I receive all the email invites about possible meetups, but they're all book clubs (when the Hubs is working), or going out to eat (at seafood places, or doing brunch), or quite a few other non-child friendly planned events. Do I need to give one or two of them a try? Maybe. But let's be real here, I have anxiety about meeting new people and without Nixon to help buffer that anxiety, I'm a fucking mess!
I shouldn't be upset about this, but in order to even get the email invites, I had to pay a membership fee, which is non-refundable. So there's goes a venti non-fat iced vanilla latte with a chocolate milk for Nixon.
I shouldn't give a flying fuck, but it took a lot out of me to just join that group to begin with. I feel like the secret message unwritten message at the end of this email is "You are welcome to rejoin at any time.you feel like you can be a contributing member of the group and not some loser who joins and never meets us. Until that time please enjoy your lonely and friendless life, you loser" Of course I realize that wasn't what was written but it may as well have been. It's rejection because I can't conform to what this group's idea of membership is. And yeah, I'm sure there was a clause in the group's "Who we are" description about non-participation but still....for me, in my anxiety and friendless state, I'm feeling very loserish.
So thanks for the dumping meetup.com. I forgot what it felt like. I now need a drink and an angry hate fuck....oh, yeah it wasn't that kind of break up.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Old people of the world (or at least those closest to my vicinity), turnabout is fair play!
Ever notice how every older person wants to give unsolicited advice when they see a baby? I was bombarded by "well meaning" older folks when I was still baking Squishy in my bellah! Well, the time has come for a little payback. Squishy is talking now and asking all kinds of nosey questions these days and he's taken a particular liking to the elderly and all their nuances (i.e canes, hunches, shuffling walk, gray and balding heads of hair). I try my best to be mindful and respectful of the elderly, but sometimes I just come to realize Squishy might learn better if he hears answers from someone other than me.
And sometimes I feel like unleashing his relentless "why?"s on someone else. Call me a bitch but there's only some many times I can explain old age before I give up, shrug and say "I don't know honey, maybe if you ask the nice man politely he can answer that for you." like I did today. Nothing personal, old guy, but you just happened to catch my son's eye what with your shuffling walk, cane and wrinkled hand wrapped around said cane.
Giving Squishy his props, he walked over, stopped a unimposing distance from this elderly man (something I was not always afforded when being accosted by biddies wanting to see my infant son or trying to rub my expansive belly, evidently the older you get the more personal space of others you are allowed to freely encroach into uninvited) and said "Excuse me, but why do you have that?" and points to the cane. The elderly man replied "It's my cane, I need it to walk." Not satisfied with that answer, Squishy says "Why?" and he's given a slight gruff reply "Well, my legs don't work very well. I'm not as young as I used to be."
Sensing the guy might be getting a tad annoyed, I say to Squishy "He's celebrated a lot of birthdays and the downside to that is your body doesn't stay as fresh and new as yours is right now." I swear to gods, I tried in vain not to say "old" with him standing not 2 feet away from me! Just give me that, would you, old guy who was no doubt burning holes in the back of my head with his eyes for daring to tell my perfectly innocent son the reality of life that is: our bodies give out as we age! For fuck sake, old guy, you should've been around when I was trying to explain the birdie gang bang he innocently witnessed earlier this spring! I'm tap dancing like a mother-fucker to tell the truth and still not be so honest that I'm the mother who is blamed when the 2nd graders find out the Tooth Fairy isn't real, because my kid asks me the truth and I have the audacity to give it to him! I didn't say you were old, I said you've celebrated a lot of birthdays, which sure to you and I it's the same thing, but to my 4-year old it means you've gotten lots of cake and gifts, and that makes you awesome! So please, accept it and just remember what kids are like?!?!?
I, of course, say nothing of the internal conversation I'm having at the moment. I thank the gentleman for his time and hurriedly usher Squishy into a different aisle in the opposite direction the elderly gent went.
Like I said, it's all fair play. Just remember, for every unsolicited encroached moment of time taken from you by a person of an older generation while you were pregnant or with your infants/toddlers/pre-wonderment phased children, you will eventually have the opportunity to repay that moment. Sure, you may have an elderly person who doesn't like little Suzie asking why her hair is light purple (seriously, my grandmother once had light purple hair! I thought it was awesome! She thought it was a tragedy that should never be mentioned...of course that meant every child LOVED it!) and will ignore little Suzie...sorry Suzie it's part of life, not everyone wants to be your friend. Suck it up and move on. Look at the bright side, you've just given her a life lesson! And I'm sure some will be too happy to talk to your little darling, and you'll somehow end up with a new foster-grandparent before you leave the conversation, but think of how lonely that person must have been before you let your child talk to them. It's Karma points in the bank!
I don't dislike elderly people. I don't dislike kids. I do think when you let them get together and mingle there's some potentially awesome conversations going to happen, and that's okay. Our kids need to spread their wings, and who better to help them fly than the generations who do nothing but bitch and complain about everything already?!?
And sometimes I feel like unleashing his relentless "why?"s on someone else. Call me a bitch but there's only some many times I can explain old age before I give up, shrug and say "I don't know honey, maybe if you ask the nice man politely he can answer that for you." like I did today. Nothing personal, old guy, but you just happened to catch my son's eye what with your shuffling walk, cane and wrinkled hand wrapped around said cane.
Giving Squishy his props, he walked over, stopped a unimposing distance from this elderly man (something I was not always afforded when being accosted by biddies wanting to see my infant son or trying to rub my expansive belly, evidently the older you get the more personal space of others you are allowed to freely encroach into uninvited) and said "Excuse me, but why do you have that?" and points to the cane. The elderly man replied "It's my cane, I need it to walk." Not satisfied with that answer, Squishy says "Why?" and he's given a slight gruff reply "Well, my legs don't work very well. I'm not as young as I used to be."
Sensing the guy might be getting a tad annoyed, I say to Squishy "He's celebrated a lot of birthdays and the downside to that is your body doesn't stay as fresh and new as yours is right now." I swear to gods, I tried in vain not to say "old" with him standing not 2 feet away from me! Just give me that, would you, old guy who was no doubt burning holes in the back of my head with his eyes for daring to tell my perfectly innocent son the reality of life that is: our bodies give out as we age! For fuck sake, old guy, you should've been around when I was trying to explain the birdie gang bang he innocently witnessed earlier this spring! I'm tap dancing like a mother-fucker to tell the truth and still not be so honest that I'm the mother who is blamed when the 2nd graders find out the Tooth Fairy isn't real, because my kid asks me the truth and I have the audacity to give it to him! I didn't say you were old, I said you've celebrated a lot of birthdays, which sure to you and I it's the same thing, but to my 4-year old it means you've gotten lots of cake and gifts, and that makes you awesome! So please, accept it and just remember what kids are like?!?!?
I, of course, say nothing of the internal conversation I'm having at the moment. I thank the gentleman for his time and hurriedly usher Squishy into a different aisle in the opposite direction the elderly gent went.
Like I said, it's all fair play. Just remember, for every unsolicited encroached moment of time taken from you by a person of an older generation while you were pregnant or with your infants/toddlers/pre-wonderment phased children, you will eventually have the opportunity to repay that moment. Sure, you may have an elderly person who doesn't like little Suzie asking why her hair is light purple (seriously, my grandmother once had light purple hair! I thought it was awesome! She thought it was a tragedy that should never be mentioned...of course that meant every child LOVED it!) and will ignore little Suzie...sorry Suzie it's part of life, not everyone wants to be your friend. Suck it up and move on. Look at the bright side, you've just given her a life lesson! And I'm sure some will be too happy to talk to your little darling, and you'll somehow end up with a new foster-grandparent before you leave the conversation, but think of how lonely that person must have been before you let your child talk to them. It's Karma points in the bank!
I don't dislike elderly people. I don't dislike kids. I do think when you let them get together and mingle there's some potentially awesome conversations going to happen, and that's okay. Our kids need to spread their wings, and who better to help them fly than the generations who do nothing but bitch and complain about everything already?!?
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Oh, I see...we're on THAT again.
*I'm offering a disclaimer, I'm PMS'ing and it's kind of making me really evil. My meds are working wonderfully! How do I know? I'm sleeping through the nights but I need a gentle reminder to eat. So this violent I-want-to-kill-you attitude, is just courtesy Mother Nature.....that stupid Cunt!*
It began with a post in a group on facebook that I'm a member of. It's a group for parents of only children (meaning parents with only one child). You'd think the group would be pretty laidback, if you buy into the generalizations of life as a parent of an only child, but it can get stressful. Especially when you have to deal with articles that have a celebrity giving interviews and saying she is really a mom now!
Yes, Elizabeth Banks, I'm looking at you! Oh my gods! You went 10 days without hired help, with 2 kids! You did your own dishes and you washed bottles!! Holy fucking shit! You fucking martyr! You lost your fingernails?!? You might want to see a doctor about that, because I do way more than just 10 days worth of dishes and that shit never happened to me, but then again I do only have one kid, so I guess that's why that never happens to me.
But wait...there's one tiny bit of difference, and I'm only saying this because, well Elizabeth Banks, you kind of started this. Yes, I had only one child, but everything that you described, the late nights, the no helps, the dishwashing....I did all that (minus the second kid) after giving birth and while recovering from childbirth. You, and again I'm not being snarky just stating facts, used a surrogate. So, no body recovering from that whole evil mess.
By the way, it's pretty much common knowledge to almost everyone that one is easier 2 and zero is easier than 1. So why are so many parents amazed that 2 kids require more work than one?!?
Now, I've said this before, I really don't give two flying fucks how many kids you have, but I do get my sweet lacy black boy-cut briefs in bunch when I hear new a mom-of-2 say she is "real mom" now. It's insulting to every mom of one child, for whatever reason.
And as if that wasn't bad enough, there's asshole bloggers like this assbagdouchecanoe who seem to think all parents of only children by choice (like my family) do it because they "decide it's a lot of work and they like having their freedom, so they stop at one." Umm....yeah, that's not always the case. Sometimes, just sometimes asswipe, parents make informed and responsible choice to have only one child based on lots of factors. Sometimes, people don't have more kids, because they don't buy into the bullshit "siblings are lifelong best friends" myth.
But apparently, that's being selfish, according to this guy and a lot of other people Mac and I have come across. It's pretty fucked up that people actually WANT us to have a child we have zero desire or longing for, just so Nixon "isn't alone" or "will have a sibling".
I've stopped responding to most articles and blogs about the negative sides of only child parents. Well, I try not too. That's what the group on facebook I'm a member is for. But since this blogger figured he knew why all only child parents choose to be parents of only children, I felt the need to respond:
It began with a post in a group on facebook that I'm a member of. It's a group for parents of only children (meaning parents with only one child). You'd think the group would be pretty laidback, if you buy into the generalizations of life as a parent of an only child, but it can get stressful. Especially when you have to deal with articles that have a celebrity giving interviews and saying she is really a mom now!
Yes, Elizabeth Banks, I'm looking at you! Oh my gods! You went 10 days without hired help, with 2 kids! You did your own dishes and you washed bottles!! Holy fucking shit! You fucking martyr! You lost your fingernails?!? You might want to see a doctor about that, because I do way more than just 10 days worth of dishes and that shit never happened to me, but then again I do only have one kid, so I guess that's why that never happens to me.
But wait...there's one tiny bit of difference, and I'm only saying this because, well Elizabeth Banks, you kind of started this. Yes, I had only one child, but everything that you described, the late nights, the no helps, the dishwashing....I did all that (minus the second kid) after giving birth and while recovering from childbirth. You, and again I'm not being snarky just stating facts, used a surrogate. So, no body recovering from that whole evil mess.
By the way, it's pretty much common knowledge to almost everyone that one is easier 2 and zero is easier than 1. So why are so many parents amazed that 2 kids require more work than one?!?
Now, I've said this before, I really don't give two flying fucks how many kids you have, but I do get my sweet lacy black boy-cut briefs in bunch when I hear new a mom-of-2 say she is "real mom" now. It's insulting to every mom of one child, for whatever reason.
And as if that wasn't bad enough, there's asshole bloggers like this assbagdouchecanoe who seem to think all parents of only children by choice (like my family) do it because they "decide it's a lot of work and they like having their freedom, so they stop at one." Umm....yeah, that's not always the case. Sometimes, just sometimes asswipe, parents make informed and responsible choice to have only one child based on lots of factors. Sometimes, people don't have more kids, because they don't buy into the bullshit "siblings are lifelong best friends" myth.
But apparently, that's being selfish, according to this guy and a lot of other people Mac and I have come across. It's pretty fucked up that people actually WANT us to have a child we have zero desire or longing for, just so Nixon "isn't alone" or "will have a sibling".
I've stopped responding to most articles and blogs about the negative sides of only child parents. Well, I try not too. That's what the group on facebook I'm a member is for. But since this blogger figured he knew why all only child parents choose to be parents of only children, I felt the need to respond:
I have an only child. Not because I decided he was "too much work", but because my husband and I realized how costly children really are and we want to be able to comfortably raise him. I guess it is "shame on us" for choosing materialistic things like clothing that fits and heat in the house and healthy food not cheap & easy fast food, over a sibling, right? No! The shame should be on every other person who thinks they know what's right for another family. I don't normally post a comment and use my real name or facebook account, but I am a proud mom of an only child so for this one time, I will use my facebook account for this one comment!
I know I have an easy life with one child. You want to hate me a little more? He's been sleeping through the night since he was 7 weeks old! He lets me sleep in until 9am, even thought he gets up at 8am himself. Sure, he can be a total shit, but at least I'm only listening to one kid say "mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mom, mommy, mom, moooooommmmy, mom, mom, mommmy" a thousand times a day and the only sibling rivalry I deal with is Arwen chasing Amber on a nightly basis! I accept that my one child is easier than your 2,3 or 19 (Duggars....I'm looking at you) kids. But the thing is, I'm not less of a mom! This is still a full-time mother-fucking gig I'm doing here. I can't just say "You know what, fuck this shit! I'm not even a real mom. One kid? Pffft. That's not a real mom, everyone says so. So, I'm done. Listen, Nixon it's been awesome, but this is just not working out for me, so I wish you the very best on your future endeavors, but we're at the end of our time together. Please, no tears, we both knew this day was coming. I'm not a real mom."
Could you imagine the public uproar over that?!? I bet I'd be made out to be a worse mom than Casey Anthony if I did that shit. And you know what my defense would be: BUT ELIZABETH BANKS SAID I'M NOT A REAL MOM BECAUSE I ONLY HAVE ONE KID!!!!
Could you imagine the public uproar over that?!? I bet I'd be made out to be a worse mom than Casey Anthony if I did that shit. And you know what my defense would be: BUT ELIZABETH BANKS SAID I'M NOT A REAL MOM BECAUSE I ONLY HAVE ONE KID!!!!
That's right bitch, if I go down I'm taking you down with me. Jessica Simpson don't make me add you to the list. Jessica Alba's on the list...she said the same stupid shit!
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