Sunday, December 22, 2013

Stop riding my ass, I'm working on my fucktard!

   It's the holiday rush. Everyone has some place to be and it's more important than the where the person in front of them is trying to get too. It's so bad, my annoyance with other drivers that is, that Nix has started correcting me when I'm being mean.
   "Mom, "idiot" is not nice".
   "Mommy, you shouldn't call someone stupid."
   " But that was a man and they have peenies not vaginas"

   That last one needs some explaining.
   I was getting bad at calling people "cunts" when driving. Nix started repeated a lot of what I was saying, in perfect context of course, and with him in school "cunt" was something I needed to erase from my vocabulary when he was in the car.
   My choice? Vagina! It makes perfect sense. I started calling people "dirty vagina" when they were driving stupid. No turn signal? Almost hit me when you switch lanes? Talking on your cellphone and rolled through that stop sign? All reasons I would call you a "dirty vagina". I had it pointed out that I wasn't being fair by calling both men and women "vaginas". But that's not really the case. I call men who drive poorly, "dumb penis". Sometimes Nix points out the driver I was annoyed by was not a woman and I had to correct myself.

   The point of all this? If his teachers can't appreciate my effort to call people biologically correct terms for body parts we've all seen in some way/shape/form, then this is in vain for nothing.

    Parking lots are the bane of my existence these days. I've decided that parking lots are going to be my patience-building exercise. I'm super nice and calm in parking lots. I wave pedestrians across, even if they're not in or even near, the crosswalk. I stop and let a car back out, and if I see someone else coming to the newly empty spot with a turn signal on, I'll wave them into it, even if I was there first. Turn signal usage deserves a reward! I let cars out who have been stuck trying to make a left out of an aisle and no one lets them in. I wait extra long at the large crosswalk areas if there's a woman with kids in tow, making sure they all crossed safely before I move.
    It may sound like I'm the nicest asshole ever, right?
   A lot of those things, might have been done out of spite to some asshat-fucktard-cunt-grease whore who sits behind me and flashes their lights or beep their horn trying to get me to move faster than the cars in front of me are moving.  Sometimes, I do things out of genuine kindness, especially if Nix is in the car with me but more often than not, I'm being spiteful while being kind.
    Why can't people stop being total assfaced-jerk offs and let me be nice to be nice?!? I doubt I get any Karma points for an act of kindness done to be spiteful towards someone else, right?

    By the way, it's a pretty sad world when even my 5-year-old child is starting to tell people "No talking on the phone! You need to drive!"....I'm even willing to overlook the one time he yelled that followed by something about punching the person in the face. That was my bad. I had just said the same thing in the car towards an old woman who was driving with her head down, in the center of the aisle and not even noticing the number of people she nearly hit, because her head was down. She finally looked up, at me and my car, and she had a cigarette in her mouth. I'm assuming she was digging in her "pocketbook" for a lighter. That was when I said "Bitch if you hit my car, I will punch you in the face!"

   On a different note, Nix likes to tell me "Calm down, Mommy. You need a coffee." I love his logic, and he's not wrong.  

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