I've put on a bit of weight. I'm struggling with the exact number, I hadn't stepped on a scale in over 4 months to avoid adding to my anxiety.
I've struggled with weight for decades! Not years, decades, I've hated food. I mean, I love food but sadly I don't always love the best foods. Which leads to more body image issues. It's an evil cycle I can't seem to get control over.
I'm beyond grateful that I'm not trying to raise a daughter. I do my best to hide my issues from Nixon, but I know girls catch on to things like body image/weight importance and shit like that at a young age and when you never think they're looking. I'd hate to damage my daughter with my own issues, even unintentionally.
I can't even tell you where I went wrong this time. I was doing great, I'd lost a fair amount of weight in about 8 months. Slow and steady with a healthy diet. Then comes September and all my convictions were lost. Then winter came, and I just gave up altogether.
I know my clothes don't fit the same as they did a few months ago.
I know it's my fault.
I know I can change this.
I just need to get my head straight and force myself to do this shit and get it done right.
Most of all, I need to stop letting numbers tell me if I'm happy and secure or not. I know I'm not happy now, but 6-9 months ago I was in a good place and still didn't feel good about myself.
Ahhhhh...I'm so fucked up in the head when it comes to my weight. Thankfully, GS is awesome and knows exactly what to say and do to make me feel loved and beautiful. It's not that I expect him too, but it's nice that he cares enough to make me feel better and know that my weight issues do not effect him or his feelings for me.
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