Saturday, July 21, 2012

and then we acted like children again

People wonder why my sister and I aren't close. It's not because we have a huge age gap to overcome, we're 15 month apart. It's because we are just too wounded to function normally and NOT lash out at each other, eventually drawing figurative blood, and hitting that point-of-no return.

We've done it forever. Started as children, got more violent as teens and continued to screaming turn hanging up phone calls as adults.

We both swear: I'm more right and she's more wrong. The truth is, we're both so damned screwed up we're both fucking wrong!

Tonight, my sister wanted to talk. We played our usual game of phone tag and then got to talking. As usual we started with a safe topic: our kids. From there...well, we dropped the mom dance and fell into the wounded sisters act. It got ugly fast.

She tried to guilt me about my visit to my grandmother. Since she wasn't there, I tried to tell her my side (my grandmother didn't want to make time to see Nixon and I, only when my grandfather made a suggestion did she finally break, we argued over the lack of recent photos on the family photo wall despite my gift of a family photo in frame to her) only to have my sister tell me I need to be more understanding to my grandmother. My grandmother, who belittled me when I was planning my wedding. My grandmother who was angry that I'd dare expect my parents to be at my wedding. My grandmother who was so upset at me when I told her grandmother of the bride wasn't important and mother of the bride was, that she decided she didn't want to come to my wedding. THAT grandmother. The same grandmother who threw in my face that she and my grandfather paid for my sister and I to go to a parochial school as a child, because you know, I must've asked to go at the age of 5, right?!?! By the way, in case anyone is wondering, no one bothered to call my grandmother and chastise her for the panic attacks I had while planning my wedding. The wedding that never ended up happening. (We did get our living room...on our terms...and it was perfectly us!) Apparently though, my sister's pissed because I didn't ask her to be in my wedding! I hadn't gotten that far in the planning!

And since we're opening up old wounds and playing the guilt card, I asked my sister how she'd feel when my dad was suddenly gone. Since she's not repairing that bridge. She goes off on her fucking tangent about how she doesn't need to be nice....blah, blah, blah

So then I go in for the kill and tell her the one thing I know will make her hang up on me. And she does, with a most predictable "fuck you!" first.

I figure we won't speak for a few months. It's our usual deal. It's how we do things. Instead of arguing and hanging up, calling back and doing it all over again we just won't talk.

My family's fucked up. I used to get asked why I'm only having one child. The answer is simple. While I can manage to figure out how to be a better parent than I had growing up, I didn't want to deal with sibling bullshit. I don't know how to bond children into siblings. Kids can grow up in the same household and yet remember completely different parents. You can't force them to love each other. You can try and you want them to, but sometimes they just don't get along.
My sister and I, we love each other, but damned if we just don't get along.
I come from a long line of fucked up sibling relationships. On my mom's side, my grandmother only speaks to some of her siblings but then tells us how important siblings are. *eye roll* My mom barely knows her brothers. I have an uncle on my dad's side no one really hears from and several cousins have issues with their siblings. Add my sister and I's issues to the mix and it's a wonder any of us talk at all.

Family's really fucking suck. Taking sides in family matters suck too. Trying to make me feel bad for something that happened when you've only gotten one side of the story, from someone who has spent the last few years making me feel like shit because I got married and my husband's career took us to Japan for 3 years, fuck off! When you're the perfect fucking mother, daughter, sister then you can call me and chastise me for my behavior.
Until then sis, it is what it is!

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