I'm sure by now almost everyone has heard about the senseless violence that struck an elementary school in Connecticut today. I'm heartsick for each person affected by this devastation. I'm doing my best to keep it together while Nixon is awake. I'll have my breakdown but not in front of my son. Right now I have to mom-up, put on my big girl panties and take care of him. Later, on my own time, I'll cry and rage for those who are forever gone because of some man's evil and hateful plan.
This rant isn't about him. He's a piece of shit and won't get an ounce of sympathy from my soul. My sympathies are better spent on the families that are broken beyond repair now.
My rage isn't even about gun control. Acts like this always give that particular bag of crazy a little llama food.
My rage today is about religion and anyone who uses that bullshit line "It was god's plan." in situations like this. You know, it might help them sleep at night, but I think its a damned stupid fucking thing to say!
It's no secret I have no faith in this christian god many people believe in. I don't begrudge people who choose to live their lives believing in him. I grew up being told to believe in him and how he protects the innocent. Then he stopped protecting me and I raged at the injustice of it all.
Just like I'm raging at the injustice that this "god" or any higher powered being for that matter, could allow such an evil act to befall on innocent children! What kind of being allows families to be destroyed forever like this!?! Who can really stand back, cluck their tongues and say it was all his plan? I believe in a lot of odd things (I kiss my hand and touch it to my car roof every time I drive through a yellow light) but to say it was planned to steal children from families, so many children from so many families, in one swift violent act....I don't buy it.
I refuse to believe there was an intentional, predestined plan by a higher power that led to these kids death. No being is that cruel, right?
I will be angry and puzzled by such disgusting acts of cruelty and hate for a while. And then I'll pick up the pieces of my life and carry on. Eventually, next week or next month, all I'll have of today's anger and rage will be this blog.
And I'll be amongst the millions of Americans left unscathed by today's heartache.
But for some 20+ families, that will not be the case. Those families will have a heavy reminder of today for the rest of their lives. Those families lost a piece of their family today and no amount of raging will bring them back. Their lives will go on, but it will never be the same. One day every year will be sad. One birthday every year will go by and no one will age on that day. It's not right! Kids aren't supposed to be gunned down in their fucking schools! We send our kids to school to learn and grow and thrive! Not to fucking DIE! Never to die.
Things like this happen worldwide and we never hear of it or we never go searching for the stories like this. It's too painful to bear, knowing that somewhere else in the world every day a parent loses their child forever. I'll bury my head in the goddamned sand every fucking day I wake up if it makes this hole in my heart close up just a little. To think that 20 parents lost their child today is bad enough. To know that such a thing happens every day around the world. It's too much! It's too much pain to carry around.
SO, yes, I know this isn't just a problem in America. I know these families are not the only ones touch by such violence, never to be whole again. But excuse me if I continue to ignore it out of concern for my own mental state. I'm fragile sometimes and children being murdered by anyone for any reason could break me!
I love my child and it's because of him being in my life that I feel a pain deep in my soul for each and every person who lost a family member today. The deepest pain for those who lost a child, a child not much older than Nixon.